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need objective opinions
| Tue, 11-27-2007 - 1:10am |
I am new to posting on here, although I have read your posts for some time.
| Tue, 11-27-2007 - 1:10am |
I am new to posting on here, although I have read your posts for some time.
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You're going to get much better advice than what I can give you so I'll refrain from going on forever, lol.
I did want to chime in and say that I think it's great that he is not in a big rush to meet your kids. I belive that says a lot about his level of maturity. I had dated a guy who wanted to be included in everything I did with my son and it was maddening. I said "no way" and got out of there ASAP. I think you are doing your kids a huge service by not introducing them to
It has been a little over 3 months. He is 26 and never married and no kids.
My take is that keep going until it stops working. Plus never have the kids involved for 3 months is too early. Rule-of-thumb is not to introduce the kids until you are ready to make a permanent/long term commitment and you don't really know until at LEAST a year.
On the surface, I think the experience gap is too wide - 5 yr difference and the parent thing. Think of how you were without children. But who knows? If you find everything "fits" so far then why not go with it? I see every relationship, whether it works out or not, is a learning experience.
Mark
--
May your soul be at rest.
May your heart remain open.
May you realize your own true nature.
May you be healed.
May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer
Hi Txmom - and welcome!!
I don't have a crystal ball - but I do see things that cause me concern - instant chemistry, him pulling back, you wanting more right now than what he wants to give, his hesitation to go to more, his young age and the age difference now. A guy in his 20s is going to be different than a woman in her 30s who already has kids. I think what you had was fun while you had it but if you want more then you should tell him that and be prepared to move on when he says he does not want more. If he doesn't then cut your losses and date again until you find the right one. He has had 5 months.
When I look back on all of my dating experiences the one thing I regret is that I wasted too much time with guys who had things on my can't stand list or who were just not that into me or who were at a place in their life where they could not commit. Here now ready now is my motto.
Does it stink that you have feelings? Yes. But what could stink more is that you waste more time with him while you are miserable because you want more than he does. And you can't change him or his feelings. It is a take it or leave it thing.
Good luck with whatever you decide - we are always here for more chat no matter what you want to do. I am sure the others will chime in as well.
Edited 11/27/2007 6:11 am ET by cl-west1745
I think it is normal for a guy to be cautious in this situation, especially if he is having feelings for you.
April
Hi Leslie,
I certainly can understand the feeling of wanting this to work out and holding on for him to "be ready" for a commitment. But maybe what is best is to decide for yourself what YOU are ready for. If you are wanting a committed relationship right now, then you have your answer, because he has told you he is not ready for that. It's OK to let go and find the one who IS ready. He's out there! I guess if I was in your shoes, I would not drop him but I would keep my eyes and heart open for others who might be more ready or on the same page as you committment wise. He can't blame you of you find someone who is wanting the same things as you and for moving on. He's made his needs and wants clear to you (not ready) and so you have every right to make your known as well, and that might mean moving on. Follow your heart!
Best wishes, and welcome!!
Pacific~
Thank you all for your posts.
Most people think there is a 'rule of thumb' that a year is a good timeframe.
When to see introduce your kids?
I'm not sure if anyone can say there is a good or bad time to allow the kids and your date an introduction. Having them MEET is one thing. Having them spend lots of time together and getting attached is a whole 'nother thing.
I don't think it matters too much when they meet. I let my kids meet my current date (Hiker) pretty much early on. Surely not a year after dating!!! They met, they were introduced as "mommy's friend" and that we were going to dinner, and that was that. They were more excited that they were getting to spend time with a babysitter (when they can do all the crazy things Mommy doesn't let them do- lol)! So meeting/seeing the kids once in a while, IMO- is not a problem.
I also know that about a month and a half after we started dating, he and his son went with me and my sons on a 2-day trip to the mountains. It was fun, and it was simply a road trip for 2 families. Nothing more, nothing less. And we haven't made it a habit (that has been the only trip we've taken together like that) and we don't spend much time doing "family things". So again... I don't see that being a problem.
None of the kids are having to spend alot of time with each other (no forced family blending), and none of the kids are having to spend alot of time with the BF/GF. But the kids are all completely aware of who everyone is, and that we are dating. But there is NO pressure that ANYONE has to like anyone else.
I think the problem comes up when couples who are dating try to spend too much "family time" together, where the BF comes over for dinner several times a week and the kids are all there... and they get used to having him around. Or they get attached because he is always doing things with everyone. THAT kind of thing is what I think most of the board will guard against- and have that "rule" of not involving the kids until there is a more permanent relationship in place first. THAT kind of thing is where the board will tend to agree that the kids and dates need to be kept separate.
Separate is not keeping them secret. I think the kids and date SHOULD meet
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
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