Need opinions, advice, whatever ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Need opinions, advice, whatever ...
15
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 10:42am

Shoot - i feel like my life is in a freaking MESS all of a sudden.


Averey hasnt seen her Dad in 7 days due to my keeping her from him. He hasnt asked to see her until today. My response was "are you going to do what you are supposed to do, & see the psyc?" He said "yeah, we will talk about it".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 10:57am

Hello Rebecca,


This is a very awkward situation for you, and, like you say, you really have to keep your head on straight so that your need for a sitter does not cloud your good judgment.


You know your X inside out, and you know that he is always full of bull and empty promises. Until he has gone to his first session with the psy, you cannot believe he will actually do it.


I think your idea of sounding out what Averey wants to do is excellent. If she wants to see him, then I would do what you suggested, sort of. I think I would tell him that I was not stopping him seeing her indefinitely, and that she could see him again after his first visit with the psy. Not just when he has booked an appointment, but after he has actually been there and started his therapy. And then, like you said, fix a schedule, so you all know where you stand. If he cannot make a minimal effort towards getting his act together, then why should he reap any sort of benefit?


Hats off to you for ensuring that Averey has the therapy she needs. You are a fantastic mom; you know that, and you cannot allow him to send you on a guilt-trip because of his birthday, or because he goes all puppy-eyed and says he misses her. Not good enough. If he wants to see her that badly, then there are things that he needs to do first - and the first thing is going to see the psy.


If we want something very, very much, we do everything in our power to make that happen, right?


Hugs, and best thoughts to you.


Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 12:32pm

What does the court paper tell you to do? Is there a schedule involved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 12:37pm

I have to say that I agree fully with Clemmy. I'm sure it is difficult with the sitter situation, but he isn't going to do anything, it seems, unless he has to. I think you are doing a great job with a very difficult situation.

Good luck with whatever you do.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 12:43pm

Legally its not an option to keep her from him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 12:46pm

Thanks Priscilla & Clemmy. I still have to think about all this - but i think that i AM leaning towards telling him I want Averey to have her 1st appt with her counselor & HE also has to show some sort of effort as well.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 12:54pm
You know what? Maybe i need to call my atty. I HATE to, b/c nothing seems to ever get done legally. But maybe i need to ask him if my with holding her is that bad a thing to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 1:30pm

But does the court order spell out WHICH days?

If I was you I would allow visitation for now to avoid contempt - as you say you cannot keep her from him forever. I would encourage him to go to the counselor with her - whether or not he gets his assessment first - he can join you in the hope you can all communicate better even if you have to pay - it is worth your peace.

But in the mean time you will have to realize that what really dictates it is his drinking habits. He probably cannot commit to certain days because he doesn't know when he is going to go on a binge (unless you do have that figured out). And you certainly don't want him to be stuck to a schedule and then take her when he really shouldn't just because it is his day.

So...if you don't have a set schedule you can allow her to go as you see fit. But I would have the babysitter in place so you don't feel as though you have no choice - it is all by his behavior and her mood and you appear to allow him to visit as best you can.

Maybe you can start to think of a criteria. If he calls by a certain time to give you notice, if it works with her schedule, etc. I would NOT have it go around your work schedule because that seems a bit much given the other factors here. I know that would be easier for you - but it has to be when he is in a good mood and sober.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 1:44pm

Yes, It does. Every Wed overnite, & every other weekend, Fri - Mon.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 1:55pm

It seems to me that you would want to change the schedule ordered by the court since he is not following it. That will give you legal protection.

I would not ever try to match his schedule with your work. Fix the work schedule so it works for you and for DD and with the nanny, too. And then do the best you can with him. You should document that he is not coming on the days ordered by the court but you still do the best you can when you think he is well. You have to show reasonable effort on your part.

See what the attorney says. You might want to explore your options for change. But I don't think you should put all the stuff in there accusing him of being abusive because that is highly subjective and is your word against his and it appears that you are turning him against her. I would focus on the fact that he is not consistent and has not made any attempts at counseling to work on the family differences and his own parenting skills even though court ordered. I AGREE with you that his is an abusive terd, but you do not want to dilute your points or objectives by injecting personal remarks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 2:01pm
I will wait to hear back from the atty. & btw, there IS no nanny :(

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