Need opinions please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Need opinions please...
23
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 8:05pm
Scenario: Woman is dating a wonderful man. It’s gotten to where both have serious feelings for each other and they have moved in together. He is very good to her, generous, faithful, spends most of his time with her, and when he’s not with her, she knows where he is and how to get a hold of him if necessary.

BUT:

He is VERY close friends with an ex-girlfriend from college. The story goes, he had a huge crush on her in high school, they were seriously involved all through college and almost got married but it didn’t work out. They realized they were better off as friends. They became really good friends and have stayed close ever since. They’ve known each other for almost half their lives. They know eachother's parents and families well too and inquire about them frequently. Their relationship has evolved into something platonic, yet strong…similar to a sister and brother. There are no romantic feelings whatsoever. They live three states apart now and keep in touch via phone and email on a monthly basis. Sometimes they send pictures of each other’s kids, pets, etc…

He disclosed his friendship to the woman when they first started to date exclusively and woman was ok with it. Now that they have moved in together, woman can’t handle it. She is insecure about it. She hasn’t demanded that he end the friendship, but has done everything short of that. Including complaining to him that he spends too much time on the phone with her (once a month to catch up), shouldn’t be sending pictures or mailing letters to her because it is “inappropriate” and just overall gets moody when she finds out he’s been emailing or chatting with her.

Again, I re-emphasize, the exchange between them is of the level of a brother and sister, and no more frequent than once or twice a month.

To what extent does the man have to sacrifice his long time friendship for the new woman in his life? What do you think is fair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 1:59pm
Becky,

I think you may be right. I think she thought she was ok with us being friends in the beginning, but she figured once they became more serious, he would choose her over our friendship and I would go away. But that's not happening and so she is reacting.

I also agree that your SO or Spouse should have top priority in your life. But I also believe that if you can’t trust your SO or Spouse, especially when they have been honest and upfront with you all along, then there are deeper issues there that need to be resolved. A control issue...possibly.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:00pm

I have to agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:14pm
Personally, I think she thought she was ok with it at first, but now that they live together, it is more visible to her. She actually sees the emails or overhears the phone calls.

Although NOTHING in the context of our emails or conversations would imply that we are anything more than friends or family, I think just the mere presence of them is getting to her, due to her own insecurities or issues. And the fact that they are not stopping is eating at her because she may have had expectations that I would disappear once she moved in with him.

The phone calls I can understand, which is why we've decide not to talk on the phone. And we will probably cut back our emails to once a month or two. But we will not throw away our friendship for anyone, which is why we are always open and honest about it to anyone who we might have a relationship with...

I hope she can deal with her emotions and get over it too in her own time. If not, I have a sneaking suspicion it won't be the only problem they have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:16pm
Thanks, I think he knows he needs to talk to her about this and will approach her once some of the initial heat wears off.

Meantime, I am gonna lay low for awhile...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:37pm
Maggie,

You bring up some very good and valid points. If this is the way she is viewing it, I can completely understand why she would be concerned.

Yes, I was engaged to him, yes we lived together for nearly 6 years, and we also had a pretty ugly break up. BUT a year after we broke up we forgave eachother, put our history behind us and rebuilt a true friendship. You are right that it is not your general run-of-the-mill male and female friendhsip. It is more than that. It's knowing that they'll be there when you need advice, opinions, a shoulder to cry or vent on...it's like family.

However, we don't have the kind of correspondence with eachother that you described. We we don't reminisce about the past. We've done that already. We're beyond that. We talk about today, last week, the future. Infact, it's usually other people who keep hashing up our past as if it is somehow still a part of today and must have some kind of impact on our feelings for eachother. I guess we have the kind of friendship that people generally don't understand, especially if they have not been through it themselves. And you're right, it is his job to communicate with her and help her to understand it.

I did it with my SO, and he has no issues with it and has actually come to know Corey really well. If she has her own personal issues to deal with, she may never be able to understand...but I guess we'll come to that later.

For now, I am able to step back and will be laying low for awhile to give them time to resolve the issue.

Thanks for your input. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 5:04pm

You're welcome, Gabriella.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 5:34pm

Well said Maggie. I agree 100%


It's funny. Most of the answers on this topic IMMEDIATE response is the "Your SO should be secure. He/She should know your love. Trust the same from him/her. You don't have to give up anything" It's a pretty defensive attitude to me. (ok, you ALL know I love you. This isn't anything personal to anyone. It's just an overall feeling I got) I felt kind of silly for saying that I personally would have a problem with it in her shoes. But I am sorry, I just would. J can spend all the time he needs/wants talking to his best friends and brothers and sister in laws...but if it were his ex-wife that he was still buddies with, I wouldn't be around today. If I had gotten the impression from him that he was going to be friends with her forever because they were that close, I would have been CONSTANTLY reminded that they were apparently close enough at one point to be married, regardless of emotional/communication problems that caused their divorce. I would have been reminded that most people have chemistry that draws them to be together in the first place and it doesn't just disappear completely with divorce/breakup. That wouldn't have been ok with me (I still think it's sad that this gal pretended to be ok the whole time before moving in together)


Really, the line between trust and betrayal is SOOOO fine. And as much as you WISH you could tell your SO "TRUST ME!" and let it go at that, when you are involved with someone you are equally responsible to care for their concerns and cultivate trust. (ok, that doesn't cover the lunatic crazy jealous SO's. This is the average person we are talking about here) I think most people would have difficulties with this issue. Share personal emotional details with your brother and I will NOT feel betrayed. Share with your ex WIFE (lover, girlfriend...)??? Um....definitely have a problem here.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 6:32pm
That's a very good point, Maggie.

It would break my heart to know that TT were sharing our marital intimacies, struggles, and even successes (beyond "we are wonderful and happy!") for that matter, with Lauren or any other ex that is now a friend. I would feel VERY betrayed. He can vent to Jorge that our sex life was hades during my bout with cervical cancer - he can vent to his dad about my unwillingness to go fishing with him - but I don't want him venting to any of his exes! Likewise - although I'm really good friends with my ex, I don't involve him in my marital affairs, at all. Whenever he asks "how are you and Tim?" I respond with "GREAT!" even if I'm ready to kill him.

And if he ever came to me and said "Lauren and I were discussing your issue with XYZ, and we both agree you need to get over it!" - I'd have a hard time not belting him.

It's one thing to have a friendship with someone - it's another thing to have what I would almost consider an emotional affair - where you are leaning on the friend more than your SO/spouse for comfort, support, fun, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 6:38pm
I agree, Bec.

I have no issue with Lauren. I DO have an issue with one of his exes, the one that thought he left her for me. Which isn't true anyhow. And I had huge issues with his friendship with her - because their "friendship" was her begging for another explanation, a second chance, etc., etc., and him stroking her feathers and soothing her - in a "friend only" way. And he had to choose. Continue this "friendship" with her because you don't want to hurt her - or distance yourself from her totally because you are hurting ME. He chose me. But either way - don't talk to your former lovers about our relationship, my issues, etc., because I feel that's a betrayal of me and our relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 6:59pm
Ok, I TOTALLY understand what each of you is saying and if the circumstances were as you describe them I would probably totally agree...

Maggie, he did confide in me, to the extent that it affects me. He explained to me that she was taking issue with us talking on the phone because we had to do something about it. When you are best friends with someone, you can't just tell them that you're not going to speak to them anymore without some kind of explanation. I don't hear about his sexual behaviors with her or about any intimate details of their relationship or any other insecurities she may have. I only got an explanation of the part that deals with me. I am part of the problem so, unless I am expected to just disappear all together, I have to help be part of the solution. Honestly, I feel like the villain here. When all I’m trying to do is not lose my best friend.

And Becky- what you said about "being reminded that most people have chemistry that draws them to be together in the first place and it doesn't just disappear completely with divorce/breakup." In my case that is completely untrue. I see him as a brother now. I would puke at the thought of ever being sexually intimate with him again. And the same goes with my ex-husband. I would rather burn alive at the stake than be intimately involved with him ever again in this lifetime! ;)

If she had never known that we were a couple over 10 years ago, would she feel differently? But then that would be dishonest wouldn't it, to leave out that detail?