Need to ramble about SO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Need to ramble about SO
23
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 12:05pm
OK - so it has been over a year we have been together and although things in our relationship are for the most part really great I still can not get past the fact that he has these issues with his parents and also that he is unwilling to make a SOLID commitment. Although I know he isn't dating anyone else even a little and I know he isn't looking either and we spend a considerable amount of time together and I can count on him for support and even some monetary help too now....I feel like this gap we have between being committed to now and being committed to forever is tearing me up. I push it aside and I may be able to continue that longer but I have my moments and I notice they are getting more frequent. I find myself making snide remarks about it as sarcastic "half-jokes". If he mentions doing somthing for his mother I say things like "And we can't let HER down" things like that.

That is not a good turn in the relationship and I know that. I am not doing it blindly. I am frustrated to the point of no return. Yes - I think ther may be no return. I am trying to hold out. Because I love him. But will he get past this? Is this a situation or a personality flaw? And if it is a personality flaw is it one that I can live with in most situations except for this one. And then, in spite of the fact that I truly believe he does love us - does he?

I have a family reunion on the 31st that he is going to with me. He has a recital again this month that he wants me to attend (because of course his family won't be there) and next month is another race and I have made it ver clear that I want to go. But I am beginning to think that even if I did and he introduced me to his dad it wouldn't be enough. I know it will be "here is my girlfirend" real casual. I don't think this is going to work. I need something bigger from him. I wish he could give it but I don't know how to even tell him that and not have him feel like I am pushing. I am a pushy person I know.

I am sure that a good part of this is my lack of anything secure and stable in my life. I really need that and I know that if he decides to give it it will be somethign I can count on. But he is still deciding. How long is too long. I think this is a tad ridiculous. I am not in a hurry to give up something that I DO trust. But I feel I can't trust it forever. Because he hasn't given me forever yet.

This is too hard :(

Thanks for listening to yet another vent. I have to get to a point where it is too much or he changes and I am not there yet - please bear with me.

Laura

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:44pm
I think that the funny part here is we have a case of role reversal. I don't want him to change who he is at all - I just want him to make up his mind. I can live with his nature on most topics and everyone has things that don't like. But I understand this is part of who he is and even if I have my moments I know that is OK with me.

I think he thinks that I will change and it BOTHERS him. He has seen all his friends save one have their SO gone DW change over to the shrew. Will I be like this? Will being a father and DH take up so much of him that he won't have anything left of what he dreamed or has achieved.

Stupid fears. I know that this happens. I have done it - I really have. But I learned and maybe he will too. Patience I suppose. LEARNING - yes - want him to learn and figure things our for himself. THat is truly the only way that it will be real anyways. CHANGE him??? heck no - why? I love him now LOL

Laura

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:54pm
Maybe with both our men - regardless of age - we are just waiting for them to grow up huh? Not ot be negative - but it seems their is a certain sense of certainty about themselves/immaturity that keeps them from knowing what they truly want. So sad isn't it? Who knows I suppose what will happen. I still have no clue what to do. *sigh*

Well, I have bigger things to worry about I suppose. I think I will just try to focus more on my own thing and maybe brush him off a little. Not sit down and say " I am doing -this- because you won't do -that- and if you change your mind about doing -that- let me know". I think that I will just tell him I am busy working on things and don't have the time to be together as I did before. I think he will get the message pretty clearly. Hopefully subliminally hehehehe (did I say that I hate manipulation =- JK)

Yah - sometimes we need to remember what we really do think - by ourselves - in the sane world ;)

GL - hope things are still going well.

Laura

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Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 1:32pm

It's crazy and it doesn't make any sense to me, but I believe there are men who feel love for a woman, perhaps even a lot of love and even an emotional dependence on having her in his life....but

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 2:21pm

He is spineless and afraid and it is wearing thin.


I guess you are going to have to decide if this is the kind of man you want Laura. That is the bottom line.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 2:26pm
Maggie,

It's funny that you mention that scenario, because it happened in my family. My uncle was with a woman for over 10 years. I still refer to her as my aunt, she is a great lady. They had bought a house together, had 2 cats, decided together that they didn't want kids and did not want to get married. They were *happy* with the situation as it was. Well, I know that it was my uncle that was happy with that, and my aunt was just waiting hoping he would eventually change his mind.

After 10+ years together, he met an older woman at work and left my aunt, moved across the country and married her within 2 months. Then they bought a house and tried to have kids! Sadly they had problems conceiving and it changed her. They got divorced within 2 years. So then enter a woman 15 years his junior. They fall in love, get married and have a daughter who is turning 4 this year. (Who is a year YOUNGER than my son LOL)

This is devastating to my aunt who feels like she wasted 10 years waiting. She is now in her 40's and has no dh or children. She regrets now waiting, since she feels that she may have been able to have had children. There's of course no guarantees, but she feels that if she had not waited so long, she could have met someone while still young to be married to and have kids.

I just hope that you don't wait too long for him to make up his mind. My view is what does he have to make up his mind about? He either wants to be committed or he doesn't. It may be that he loves you, but knows that long term you're not what he's looking for.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:28pm
If growing up means treating people right, or considering the views of others, I spose some people don't grow up, ever. I know someone who is 60-something and hasn't gotten past her childhood issues. She threw a crazy fit at work last week (literally, stomping and banging) and no matter HOW much of an inconvenience it is for EVERYONE else in the unit, she wanted her way.

And my ex has been through 2 more marriages and not gotten the idea yet that it's not "all about him".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:26pm
You said "Well, I have bigger things to worry about I suppose. I think I will just try to focus more on my own thing and maybe brush him off a little. Not sit down and say " I am doing -this- because you won't do -that- and if you change your mind about doing -that- let me know". I think that I will just tell him I am busy working on things and don't have the time to be together as I did before. I think he will get the message pretty clearly. Hopefully subliminally hehehehe (did I say that I hate manipulation =- JK)"

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but...haven't you already done this? Haven't you indeed BROKEN UP with him once already over these very same issues? How many 2nd chances are you going to give this guy? No matter how you present the message - loud and clear in the form of a break up, or incognito - in the form of spending less time on him...it's never going to stick if you don't stick to it.

It's been quite some time, my advice to you is to stop waiting for him to make up his mind, and make up yours instead. Either you take what he can give you now and learn to accept it without asking for or wanting more, or you let him go and find someone who can give it all to you.




Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 2:37pm

My mother in law is an EXCELLENT example of this. She's STILL blaming HER MOTHER for her insecurities and bad life. The woman is 55+ years old... (no job. no money. upset because we want to move Mima to a retirement home, but that means that MIL won't be able to get her grubby paws on her mother's retirement dollars anymore. Disgusting woman)


NO ONE should ever hold their breath waiting for someone else to "grow up" and be relationship material.


If they aren't relationship material/adults when you meet them, give it up and move on.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:28pm
Becky...this is going to seem like a very oddball question placed here, but out of curiousity, do you watch the show Nip/Tuck? And if so, did you watch it last night?
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:44pm

Didn't watch last night...never have.


And that is an oddball question, but you've got me interested

Becky