In need of single mom advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In need of single mom advice!
9
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 7:19pm
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Edited 1/24/2006 5:23 pm ET by j_mor_ris
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 8:45pm

Guys say a lot of things in the beginning, whether you are a single mom or not. A guy might say he wants to go on a trip with you and then the trip never happens. Or, he might say that he wants to introduce you to his best friends from college, but that never happens.

Sometimes, this happens with single moms too. The guy will be all about the kid in the beginning and then cool off the kid talk. Really, if the guy is distancing himself from your friend on account of the daughter, then he is just not that into your friend.

If I had any advice to give to your friend, it would be this. Keep the daughter out of relationships until she has dated the guy for several months. Long enough for all of the new excitement to wear off. Only after several months do you start to see a person for who he really is. Then, you can decide if this is someone who is worthy of introducing to your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 9:28pm

I think the first question is how is the relationship going after 5 months? Is he "that into your friend"? Is he a serious prospect - meaning he has his life together and their situations are compatible and he is mature?

If he is really that into her, and she is very sure the relationship has a chance then she can wait until the time is right to introduce them and see what happens. If she thinks he is not really that into her and just stringing her along then she should wait and take a serious look at what she wants versus what she is getting.

It could be that your friend's boyfriend has no experience with kids and doesn't know what to ask or say or do so he does nothing. It could also mean he has no interest in kids and doesn't want to accept one. She has to go with her gut instinct.

If he is very young and still into partying with his friends and their biggest activity together is sex then that is probably a bad sign.

Maybe you will have to tell us more so we can help her more.

My biggest concern and rule with regards to kids - is that they don't date - only the adults date. I think you should wait as long as possible to introduce the kids - don't make them part of the casual dating process.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 9:30pm

It's hard to imagine what conversation he'd be initiating since he really doesn't know her dd and might know that much about kids at all.

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Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:54am
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Edited 1/24/2006 5:23 pm ET by j_mor_ris
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:57am
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Edited 1/24/2006 5:24 pm ET by j_mor_ris
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:17pm
I am a single mom and have been through what your friend is going through. Yes, I agree with the others...FIRST she needs to get to know him before she involves her son but if he isn't asking how her daughter is, and bring her daughter up in the conversation, then most likely it her daughter will always be left out. Trust me from experience. I dated a guy for several months and then we got together with my son. He didn't want anything to do with him and just flat out ignored him and didn't want him around. I immediately dumped him. My kids happiness is much more important to me at this moment in my life then mine. I need to know that they are going to be raised happy and that everyone in their life is going to love them and make them feel important. Warning signs would be going off in my head with this guy and he'd be history.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:28pm

Warning signs would be going off in my head with this guy and he'd be history.


I don't know.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 8:54pm

If this is the case, then she will have to introduce them when the time is right - when she feels comfortable. I would not explain dating or a significant other or that concept to a young child - just that it is a friend of mommy's.

See how they interact after a bit. See his reaction to the gravity of having a child in the picture. Does he express concern or ask questions after they meet?

I would not go gung ho right off the bat - you have a delicate line to walk where you want to see how the child changes the dynamics and if that is okay for everyone, but you also do not want the child to get attached and then have the relationship not work.

I think her best bet is to keep a bit of a distance until she sees how it all works over time. And to talk about it with him - how does he feel about a child in the picture. Communication is very important.

Good luck - and feel free to post here as much as you want. We are always glad to help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 9:04am
My first thought was count her blessing. Some men deliberately pick women with children and then worm their way into their lives and groom the child so they can molest them. It's only been 5 months, she should just take it slow and see what happens. I'd be more worried if he showed interest in the child.