Need some advice please
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:34pm |
I'm not sure if you all read my first post so I'll give a quick update first
My ex husband and I have been discussing getting back togther for about 3 months now. He has been in Italy and now is in San diego for about 6 months we have been friends since the divorce about 4 years ago and I have had no luck in the dating department..he has dated a few women on and off over the years. Trying to date again was infact his idea and he has been very excited and when he gets home in june we will make plans to move away from my very disapproving family (helped along the divorce) I mean serious talks about us and out future...all of which were started by him, infact they made me quite nervous. He came home breifly when he got back to the states, but we decided it would be best if our son didn't see him until he could be home full time ...dad being away has been hard on DS so we didn't want him to show up and leave again right away to ough for him to understand...So basically we got to spend the evening together we were both very nervous and it made the situation awkward, I saw him again the next day and then he had to leave.
Since then our phone calls have been shorter and well just differnet. I asked him what the problem was and he totally started going off on how he wasn't sure he could fall "in love" with me again and much as he loved me...???? and our time together really scared him because he thought we would fall into our old routine...we actually spent about 5 hrs total together...I was shocked he was leaving to visit friends the next day and after a long heated talk on the phone he said he was willing to try because he wanted it to work, but I'm not sure how to handle the whole thing ...he's been gone for two days and he just called me asked me how I was ....honestly I've been a mess having placed WAY TOO MUCH hope into the situation...what he got miss happy everything is fine hope you're having a good time...so he's calling tomorrow...I have no idea if I should talk to him more about whats going on or just back off play happy until I actually have him infront of me to say hey are we still doing this or what?
honestly I have no one to ask about this...I need some help please...I know I am very new to the board but please if you could ofer some opinions advice anything it would be greatly appreciated
Stef

Pages
Hey Stef,
You have been through so much. And to be alone as a mom is so hard.
Honesty, I don't think there is anything YOU can do right now. I think you just have to wait and see how it goes when he does come back.
In my humble opinion, I don't think that guys deal with big surges of emotions and changes as well as we do, at least not right off the bat. I think maybe he was overwhelmed with being here - with the thought of being a full time dad, with your expectations (or his imagination of your expectations), and with the pain of what your relationship went through with your family.
I think he needs time to think about all of this and get back to you. If you lay off the pressure you will give him time to think about what he really wants. You two have to go slow - maybe even counseling would be in order to help heal you and get you off to a good start.
I hope you don't let your lack of luck in the dating department sway your opinion about him. You need to do what is right for you and your son.
At any rate, I think you asked about what to do with the phone calls - do nothing for now - just let it take its own course.
Keep us posted.
Counseling is good for both of you. Maybe you would go individually together or both. See if he brings it up again or starts talking more about the two of you.
I have one question for you - why do you say your time together was akward - was this because you tried to sleep together - or because you just had trouble talking and leaving where you left off?
Stef,
I would walk away from this one. He's giving you mixed signals already. This is not good. Don't let your scarcity of your dating prospects force you into a romance with a man who is obviously no good for you. You divorced him once already. Listen to your family on this one. They would not support this decision because it is NOT good for you or your DS. Seriously. It's not good at all.
I didn't date for 4 years following my divorce. I didn't date becaue I was in a funk. Once I decided that I did want to date, I haven't had problems finding men to date me. Granted, one boyfriend was a huge jerk. Major big time jerk. But, my current boyfriend is great and I couldn't imagine being with another person.
Don't look to the past. Look ahead. Find someone else :)
Tricia
I appreciate your advice, truly. It isn't for a lack of dating I have had many first dates over the last two years, but I just am not interested in anyone, well at least not enough to continue dating them.
As far as my family goes they didn't like him before we got married the first time let me put it into perspective... my mother aske dme to send a picture of my new poy friend so I obliged...she didn't like him why you ask because she could tell by his forearm he was strange....ah ha well if his forearm is strange(normal arms no tattoos or anything just a basic guys arm) but that was her reasoning...she doesn't like anyone and I need to move away from them soon. We do not have a normal family, because my mother well is indescribable...I love her but she has her issues she is very controlling and it is very unhealthy for me to base my judgements of people on what she thinks I was very happy until she started putting her two sense in. It's always somethign with someone and if she cant find a reason she makes on up...hence forearms!...lol
I'm trying to put my life back together it may not work I know but hey if I don't try I can't blame her I can only blame myself. My sister 29 has been secretly dating her boyfriend for 4 yrs...she knows when my mom finds out she'll be disowned...so sad that it's just something we've come to expect.
So yes if I had a "normal" family I would take them into consideration, but I don't and I can't wait for the "perfect rich guy" that my mom has in her head
Stef
I hope you don't feel let down or insulted by my post to you, please know I only mean the best, but I'm going to be a bit frank...this is what I'm feeling from what you describe in your post...
When he says: "He loves you" he means he cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you. When he says: he doesn't think he can be "in love" with you, he means he's not attracted to you anymore or he doesn't love you as much as he thought he would before he saw you again, atleast not enough to give up his freedom and committ to you and go through all the crap he had to go through before with your family.
It's not your fault he isn't ready or doesn't want to. It's him. You do sound like you are a good mom and have your child's best interests at heart, but you also sound like you were lacking in maturity back then and you are now coming in to your own. If your mom really is that difficult, do yourself a favor and start making your own decisions in life. Your ex is wavering, he is making excuses for why he wants to change his mind, but the simple truth is he has changed his mind and you need to come to grips with this and move on.
The man that is right for you and wants and deserves to be with you, is going to stick by you and do whatever it takes to be with you, regardless of your crazy family. Put your ex on the backburner, and go find Mr. Right.
You have a good head on your shoulders, you just need to point it in the right direction and that direction is the future, not the past.
best wishes.
I'll have to think about that.
I'm not offended in the slightest, I'm looking for different perspectives. :)
I have spoken to XH since and it does seem as if it was a panic vent, but the attraction thing, may be whats going on, I'll ask him about that. I think he is more afraid of getting hurt, but hey you could be right and then you're definately right that I would be better off moving on. I'd just hate to let go before I give it a chance, we are very good friends so at least we'll have that.
Thanks so much, and about my mom she has her good and bad days...I love her but keeping her out of my personal life helps us have a much better relationship.
LOL! Honey I TOTALLY can relate with the mother meddling in the relationship area. My mother is soooo like that! She didn't like my son's dad from the get-go, even before the problems. Then after we split, I dated a few guys, nothing serious, and she had comments about each one (too young, just got out of a relationship, I get a *vibe*, too old, etc...) Even the guy I'm with now (who is an absolute sweetheart) she's had *issues* with some things about him (he's not a big go overboard on the holidays kind of guy- he thinks of the holidays as a time you should spend with family, not worry about decorating the house and spending all your money on presents.).
But I do agree with the poster who said that your ex seems to have changed his mind. Sometimes we build up something sooo much in our heads of what something will be like, but when it comes to pass, we're disappointed. Who knows what he was expecting, but when you did meet, you were both really nervous around each other.
I think it's admirable to want to try it again and see what happens, but sometimes we just have to accept that things are better off left untouched and move on. You said that you two have a good friendship now, maybe that's all it should be right now. I know it's hard to move on when you are still feeling so strongly about someone, but it could be for the best, for all of you. You could approach him just to remain friends for now and see how he reacts, he may be relieved if you bring up the idea first. It will be hard to just seemingly *give up*, but you will be better off just staying friends than giving it a half-hearted attempt and fail.
Good luck
Alison
Pages