Need some advice please
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| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:34pm |
I'm not sure if you all read my first post so I'll give a quick update first
My ex husband and I have been discussing getting back togther for about 3 months now. He has been in Italy and now is in San diego for about 6 months we have been friends since the divorce about 4 years ago and I have had no luck in the dating department..he has dated a few women on and off over the years. Trying to date again was infact his idea and he has been very excited and when he gets home in june we will make plans to move away from my very disapproving family (helped along the divorce) I mean serious talks about us and out future...all of which were started by him, infact they made me quite nervous. He came home breifly when he got back to the states, but we decided it would be best if our son didn't see him until he could be home full time ...dad being away has been hard on DS so we didn't want him to show up and leave again right away to ough for him to understand...So basically we got to spend the evening together we were both very nervous and it made the situation awkward, I saw him again the next day and then he had to leave.
Since then our phone calls have been shorter and well just differnet. I asked him what the problem was and he totally started going off on how he wasn't sure he could fall "in love" with me again and much as he loved me...???? and our time together really scared him because he thought we would fall into our old routine...we actually spent about 5 hrs total together...I was shocked he was leaving to visit friends the next day and after a long heated talk on the phone he said he was willing to try because he wanted it to work, but I'm not sure how to handle the whole thing ...he's been gone for two days and he just called me asked me how I was ....honestly I've been a mess having placed WAY TOO MUCH hope into the situation...what he got miss happy everything is fine hope you're having a good time...so he's calling tomorrow...I have no idea if I should talk to him more about whats going on or just back off play happy until I actually have him infront of me to say hey are we still doing this or what?
honestly I have no one to ask about this...I need some help please...I know I am very new to the board but please if you could ofer some opinions advice anything it would be greatly appreciated
Stef

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LOL Well I am glad to hear I am not the only one with a "meddling" mom ;) I spoke with XH about the attraction thing...he laughed at me..litterally. He said that definately wasn't the problem, he said he had a moment where he was afraid of us falling back into our old ways. So he had been overthinking the whole 4 hours and said he realized if he was going to give it a try he really had to try and not base all of his worries on a 4 hour encounter it wasn't fair. He said he's thinking we are friends and we are going to try dating and see how it goes, he said if we both try and are honest with each other about our feelings even the "yucky" ones then we should be good. He also said he wasn't thinking about us "dating" anymore until he gets back and until then he was just going to enjoy our conversations and making plans. We are taking DS to disneyland for the first time in August he's going to be 5 :)
So we pretty much are back to being friends "with potential" ...LOL So I figure if he's not going to worry over it then I'm not going to worry over it either if it works out great if not well I guess I'll tackle that later...LOL
On a different note since XH is stalling...I was invited to dinner I guess a date should I go? Or would that be unfair to both?
Stef
I have read all of the replies here and believe those who say you should throw in the towel have merit.
I also don't like how he is not in a hurry to want to work stuff out - like he is taking advantage of his time to sow his oats and you are doing all of the work with your child.
But you do have a child with him and it sounds like you want to try so for that matter it is worth a try. However, I don't think you should give him carte blanche and do everything his way. You were two equal partners in the divorce so you should be two equal partners to put it back. You should make a list of what you want and set boundaries.
For example, I think you should both agree to go on dates with each other and take it slow without having sex. And you should both seek counseling. And agree not to be playing the field with other people. Normally I would not say all of this for just starting to date, but you are in much more - trying to put a failed marriage back and with a child at stake.
I also think that he should set up immediate and adequate visitation with your child so he is playing his part as dad. This should be no matter what happens between you. For now I don't think the child needs to know about what you are doing.
Sure, your family did cause trouble. And you have done a lot to state that and say that you will do it different. But it takes two to tango - I am sure he is just as much at fault.
I hope this helps. I want to make sure you are treated fairly and that you will not settle just to be with someone.
I am not sure about the date. I could see reasons to go or not go. Maybe it would be good for you so that you are not putting all of your eggs in one basket?
I personally think you should go on the *date*, just to get out and have some fun! You aren't giving this guy a life committment, just dinner. Tell him that you're looking to have a fun evening, but aren't looking for too much right now. You don't have to say that you may be getting back with your ex, but be honest that you're not looking for anyone right now.
On the other hand, the date might give you some insight on what you've been missing...
So go, have fun. Laugh it up, have a great time and hopefully the guy isn't a dud. And should you tell your ex? NO. Just think of the dinner more as going and hanging with a new friend rather than a date.
Let us know how it goes!
Alison
I think I will go on the evening out, just to get out I've already told him I'm no interested in a realtionship and he's alright with that. Since it isn't really a date I don't have to mention is but if he asks what I did I won't lie. I do need a night out though!...LOL woohoo!
WEST
As far as XH I think you got the wrong impression. He was sent to italy for the military and had no choice, he moved from hawaii when I moved to be with us in California, which he hates, to be near DS. He spends 98% of his free time with DS and myself. He is a very devoted father, and has told all of the women he has dated that he wasn't giving up time with his son for anyone...he could see them after 8pm when DS went to bed. When I went out on dates he baby sat and I too never left before DS was asleep. Our visitation is open, and we had no intentions of telling our son of our romantic intentions...unless they involved getting remarried. Things will not change for DS, being that dad has always been around and is only gone when he gets called up for duty. the only reason he is visitng people now is because we decided it would be best for DS if he waited to see him until he was going to be home permenantly. He is having a final surgery on the 6th then will be home a couple weeks later if all goes well.
Stef
That sounds much better, Stef, thanks for the clarification. BUT I hope you are picky!!
When is he coming here? Keep us posted as to how stuff develops. I am glad you came to post with us!!
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