Need some help, esp. from single moms

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Need some help, esp. from single moms
3
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 2:36pm
Went out for the first time with a single mother I work with who is 7 years older and has a 10 yr old daughter. She just got out of a 6 yr relationship with someone we work with. Her life has been him, her daughter, and work for nearly 6 years. She ended it with him because of his BS (comments and lack of wanting to bond with her daughter) and she says there is not more emotion with the physical part of the relationship. She really just doesn't want it.
We went out to a sporting event. On the way home asked her if she wanted to get some food or something to drink (she had a lloonnggg day), she hesitated...thought about it...and said sure. We got a beer at a local bar by her house. We talked for an hour and everything went well. She ended with a hug, I thanked her and she said she had fun. I paid for everything.
I really really really like this woman which doesn't happen often. The problem is I keep conversations going most of the time. Eventually we ended up on her ex more frequently on the date than one might think normal. She is shy and conservative and does ask questions of me but not enough to keep conversation going thats usually on me. She smiles alot and she laughed a few times.
The next day at the company picnic I ran into her saying hello (I had been there for 2 hrs and not seen her) and I told her that I was going to leave soon because I was exhausted. She said don't leave yet and we ended up eating, drinking beer, and talking for an hour.
I am lost and can't figure out if she is interested. She had told me that she would be "ieked" if she saw her ex with someone else and he would be the same towards her. She also has said that she isn't really looking to jump into anything as she needs time...that I can understand. I am amazed by her being a sinlge mom, holding the job she does, and still finding the time to go out. She is remarkable and beautiful. Am I seen as a friend or is she somewhat interested? I asked her if she got the card I gave her with the flowers on our night out and she said yes, thank you with a big smile. It read: Hope u enjoy these as much as I enjoy the chance to spend time with you, maybe when the time is right we can move forward".
She had said that we could go out again and that "she had fun". I assume I am a friend to lean on right now? I don't really know, there are moments I think she is intersted and moments (the silent ones of course) where she could ask questions and chooses not to where I think she might not be interested.
My questions are: 1)Is she interested and 2) Lets say I am a friend (for now) how do I play my cards to end up with a GF out of this? Do i take her out and include her daughter in some fun outings? or just take her out a few times alone?
Thanks for your advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 4:01pm

Hi Aces :)

Okay, here's my two cents--just take it as it is. The last guy I fell in love with was because I WAS able to talk about my ex with him. I was able to confide in him. He was my best friend and he taught me more about relationships than anyone I've ever known. Because I saw him only as a friend in the beginning, and he looked at me that way, too, we didn't have the pressure of trying to make a "relationship" work. Eventually I became to trust him with anything. He was the person I felt I could be myself the most with, and he began to confide things in me as well. That's what she probably needs right now more than anything...a friend she can trust. Someone who won't pressure her into something she's not sure of...someone who she feels comfortable with.

My advice to you is, don't worry about trying to be her boyfriend. Worry about being her friend. What would you lose in the end if things never progress? Nothing. You would get to keep your friend forever, and that's much better than not having her in your life at all. You don't have to buy her flowers, cards, shower her with affection to be a friend. It's so much deeper than that. Just work on earning her trust and whatever comes next with feel totally natural.

As for me and my guy. We didn't end up together due to the circumstances of our relationship at the time, but to this day, we still love and respect each other with the highest regard. Both of us only want good things for each other always, and because of the base friendship we have, there is zero animocity between us. I came to truly love him wholly and it's something I will never take for granted. If you build this kind of bond slowly over time with this woman, even if it does not become a relationship, it will become something spectacular.

Good luck,

--snow

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 4:13pm

Welcome to our board. I am sure many here will have an opinion.

I will give you my two cents worth.

I think you need to take it slow and see if something develops on its own. Don't pressure her or ask to see her kid too soon. Just focus on getting to know each other and having fun.

If she is just out of a 6 year relationship she may need time to get over that and to not have any feelings for her exbf.

There is nothing you can do to "make" her like you and want a relationship with you.

But I do hope something works because you seem like such a nice guy and seem to really value her strengths. There are a lot of us here who would give anything for that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 10:58pm

Hi Aces,


Welcome to the board!


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