Need some help staying strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Need some help staying strong
29
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 8:41pm

I don't why I have this pathetic gene but apparently I feel the need to make everyone else feel better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 9:13pm

Mediators can NOT testify from my understanding.. it is completely confidential.. they do however help the two parties come to an agreement and make a document that the parties can submit to the courts. I've used mediators before and in both cases they were very helpful.


Feel NO guilt.. he's probably using a tactic with you that he knows has worked in the past... so dont let it work this time. This is for the best.... not only for you and your son BUT believe it or not this is for the best for HIM too. He needs to experience a little pain in order to grow. He should do this on his own. Face a few consequences for the way he's behaved.... this will be good for him... Sometimes the best way to help someone is to step back and let them do it themselves....


good job remaining calm... keep that demeanor.. he may throw a tantrum but just like we are told to deal with tantrums from our children... it's the same thing.. remain calm and eventually they just give up throwing the tantrum. (but with adults, sometimes they are smart enough to try a different tactic.. so keep your eyes open for them and don't let it get to you....) Stick to your guns, GIRL!


Loonybunny


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 9:17pm

oh and thanks, bringing up mediators has helped me remember something.... I'm about to open a DCSE case for my DS8 (his dad has been dissing me for the past 9 months)... anyway i couldn't remember what city the case was in or what i did with the

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 9:47pm

Thanks Loony!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 10:09pm

My counselor said that setting boundaries is so so so so important - can't live without them - and clearly you were in need of them - but you have to know that when you set them - people do not like them at first - so this is to be expected - it is just a stage.

And do NOT feel bad for this idiot - he is a grown man - and if he can't find himself a place to stay and pay for it - then that is his problem. He does not need to be imposing himself on a poor single mom never mind that he was flaunting his flirting with other women and using your computer to online dating and all sorts of crapola like that. NO WAY are we going to let you be nice to him and let him stay after that - go back and read your posts here and remember how he made you feel with that. AND you were so gracious as to let him parents stay with you and tie up a whole weekend with that.

PLUS he has not been good about taking your DS on any kind of schedule or giving you money.

Honey, I would not fool around with a mediator - I would go and get a good lawyer and do this right the first time. You need an advocate that is going to help you hash it out and draw the lines in the sand where they need to go. Your son is very young and you have a long way to go and you need to get this done and put it behind you.

And judging by how things have gone so far, I don't think you can depend on whinypants to pull his fair share.

Eventually he will respect you - but that is long after he learns he has to be a good dad and fly right. He may even thank you for all this one day.

So, go and mop the floor or hug DS but do not sit and watch the exodus and feel sorry for this one!! HUGS!! You are always so nice and have put him ahead for too long. I feel this has hampered your dating efforts as well. I am sorry you had to have such a huge disappointment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 10:35pm

First of all, let me say that Looneybunny is right on target with her post. Second of all, I have been through 2 mediations. The mediator cannot give depositions or disclose anything that transpires during mediation. I had to use an attorney for both of my mediations and can't even imagine that it would be possible to do it on your own.

You need to get a board certified family practice attorney. If your brother is an attorney he can find out which attorneys you might use. I know that Rebecca and Queenbun have quite a bit of experience in litigation matters.

You better quit feeling sorry for him if you are about to launch custody proceedings. Also, if he has a trust fund and isn't working you can almost be sure that he will probably try to hide his finances.

Hopefully Rebecca and Queenbun will add their advice. Stay strong. You ARE doing the right thing.
Stephanie




Edited 7/8/2008 10:54 pm ET by texas_mom1991
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 12:01am

Savannah,
Correct me if I am wrong but you are not married to dad, you are trying to get a visitation schedule and child support agreement? Here in AZ we are required to use the mediator first for the child visitation schedule. It is free so if you have some idea of what you expect that part of the agreement to look like it is good to get it written out there. If you and dad are miles apart on visitation then get an attorney. For the financial aspect, no question- get an attorney.
1. interview at least 3 attorneys, you have to trust this person and have confidence in them
2. research your state's recommendations for visitation for a child as young as your son. Here in AZ, it was recommended frequent but fairly short visits with the non-primary care parent. My X had our D4 every Tues/Thurs from 5pm -8pm and every other Sat, noon til 8pm at first. Over time it has changed to add overnights and lengthen the periods she is apart from him. We are working toward a 5/9- a common arrangement. I will have her 9 nights out of every 14, dad has her 5 nights out of every 14. We alternate weekends.
3. Make the agreement as detailed as possible. Address the child's birthday, parent birthdays, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Easter and Xmas or Jewish holidays as they pertain to your situation. Address what happens when preschool starts and who pays for preschool. Address what will be done regarding summer vacation when the boy is older- best for the regular schedule to follow through til at least age 4. Make sure there is a start date for the every other weekend, so you follow it through forever, holidays flow over but do not change that schedule- it is just easier. Make sure the winter break and spring break from school are addressed. And of course the language requiring notification when traveling out of state or out of the country.
4. Make sure the child support agreement has provisions for how frequently one of you can request a change. Have the due date spelled out.

Good luck. It is not a pleasant experience, but necessary. And don't feel bad for your X having to move out. He has to grow up some time. It is great to be empathetic, but it also is vital to set boundaries and enforce them.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 12:45am

I know what you are going thru.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 1:45am

I know its not easy. I STILL, even after all the crap Taz had pulled, give in sometimes. & totally enable him.


Its just HARD to see the father of YOUR CHILD, in pain. Even if they deserve it. Even if they brought it on themselves.


So - stay strong. He IS where he IS b/c of HIS CHOICES, not yours. He forced your hand.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 1:46am
Go the lawyer route!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 1:51am

Also, "1st right of refusal". Granted, it will work BOTH ways (so you wont have the choice either), but it states that if EITHER parent, on thier visitation/parenting time, has to leave the child w/ anyone but themselves for a certain time period or greater (ours says 4 hrs), then the agreement states that parent MUST notify the other parent, & the other parent had the option to have the kiddo with them, instead of a sitter, family member ... or the worry - some new chick they are dating!


Lord knows I haevnt had to use it b/c Dopey only takes her bare minimum, even if he COULD have her more - but i have seen SO SO SO (Little Star!) many women go thru hell b/c their kid is stuck w/ a bimbo, a crappy sitter, a family member, etc - when they are supposed to be w/ the father - but he is elsewhere.

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