Need some major advice!!!! New to this
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Need some major advice!!!! New to this
| Mon, 04-02-2007 - 2:31pm |
Okay, I'm new here and I have a question for you all!
I recently separated from my husband of 3 years...we have a 1 1/2 year old son together.
I am 22 years old, and I just met this guy last weekend who is 23. He is very cute and has a college degree/good job and seems to have all his ducks in a row, so to speak.
So, we went out last night for the first time. I wanted it to be low-key, so I suggested that we just meet at a bar and have a few drinks. So, we did. We sat and talked and drank for maybe 1-2 hours. It was fun, and we had some good, get-to-know-you conversations. Towards the end of the evening, he just blurted out: "yeah, I'm definitely not ready for a kid"...and I just kind of looked at him and figured 'okay, i guess that is a hint to say he is NOT interested in me'...but then he goes on to say "should we go out again sometime?" and I just look at him like "what?!?" I don't know what to think! Then we get the bill. The waitress sets the bill down in the middle of the table and I grab it first. I look at it and then pull out my wallet, intending to pay of course, but kind of expecting in the back of my mind for him to insist on covering it. He, however, says "She didn't split the checks?" and then I pull out the money to cover MY portion of the bill, and lay it out on the table. He takes it and says that he only has a credit card, so he puts my money in his wallet and pulls out his card to cover it all. So...all in all....he didn't pay. Which is fine...But it makes me wonder why?? What are his intentions? Is this okay that he didn't pay? Is it normal? You see, I didn't have too many relationships/dates before I got married, so I am still a little new to all this!
Before we leave, I talk about how "cold" I am because I just drank a frozen drink. I am wearing a short-sleeved shirt and he has on a shirt and sweatshirt. He doesn't say anything. I keep saying how cold I am...WHY doesn't he offer me his sweatshirt?
As we are leaving the bar, he says "do you want to go home or go do something else, like come over?" I say it doesnt' matter, so he says why don't you just come over for a little while then? I say okay and follow him to his house. We get there and watch TV and talk. He doesn't make any moves on me at all, so I know he isn't just after me for sex. He does kiss me at the end of the night, however. Just a kiss, though.
Anyway, while we are sitting on his couch watching TV, I bring up what he said in the restaurant about not wanting a kid right now. He says that he admits that my having a kid does freak him out a little bit. Of course, we are still young...but he says that I seem like a really cool girl and he is definitely ready for a relationship (he has been single for over a year now) He has never dated a woman with a child before, and he doesn't know what to expect. He doesn't know if he is ready for it or not...says we should take it slow. He also said that he thought about it all day before our date, and decided that he didn't want to throw away a potentially serious, lasting good relationship just because the woman has a kid (and he will probably want kids in a few years, anyway). He then goes on to say, if we take it slow, he might get attached. I said "what do you mean?" and he says he can't explain.
So my question is....What should I do??? What does he want?? Should I persue this further? He said he is going to call me on Thursday night, so maybe we can go out again. I admit that I am turned off by his lack of paying for the "date" and his not offering me his sweatshirt. But I admire the fact that he is willing to take a chance on a relationship and he has a lot of other good qualities that I can see so far.
HELP PLEASE! any and all advice at all is very welcome!!
THANKS IN ADVANCE!!
I recently separated from my husband of 3 years...we have a 1 1/2 year old son together.
I am 22 years old, and I just met this guy last weekend who is 23. He is very cute and has a college degree/good job and seems to have all his ducks in a row, so to speak.
So, we went out last night for the first time. I wanted it to be low-key, so I suggested that we just meet at a bar and have a few drinks. So, we did. We sat and talked and drank for maybe 1-2 hours. It was fun, and we had some good, get-to-know-you conversations. Towards the end of the evening, he just blurted out: "yeah, I'm definitely not ready for a kid"...and I just kind of looked at him and figured 'okay, i guess that is a hint to say he is NOT interested in me'...but then he goes on to say "should we go out again sometime?" and I just look at him like "what?!?" I don't know what to think! Then we get the bill. The waitress sets the bill down in the middle of the table and I grab it first. I look at it and then pull out my wallet, intending to pay of course, but kind of expecting in the back of my mind for him to insist on covering it. He, however, says "She didn't split the checks?" and then I pull out the money to cover MY portion of the bill, and lay it out on the table. He takes it and says that he only has a credit card, so he puts my money in his wallet and pulls out his card to cover it all. So...all in all....he didn't pay. Which is fine...But it makes me wonder why?? What are his intentions? Is this okay that he didn't pay? Is it normal? You see, I didn't have too many relationships/dates before I got married, so I am still a little new to all this!
Before we leave, I talk about how "cold" I am because I just drank a frozen drink. I am wearing a short-sleeved shirt and he has on a shirt and sweatshirt. He doesn't say anything. I keep saying how cold I am...WHY doesn't he offer me his sweatshirt?
As we are leaving the bar, he says "do you want to go home or go do something else, like come over?" I say it doesnt' matter, so he says why don't you just come over for a little while then? I say okay and follow him to his house. We get there and watch TV and talk. He doesn't make any moves on me at all, so I know he isn't just after me for sex. He does kiss me at the end of the night, however. Just a kiss, though.
Anyway, while we are sitting on his couch watching TV, I bring up what he said in the restaurant about not wanting a kid right now. He says that he admits that my having a kid does freak him out a little bit. Of course, we are still young...but he says that I seem like a really cool girl and he is definitely ready for a relationship (he has been single for over a year now) He has never dated a woman with a child before, and he doesn't know what to expect. He doesn't know if he is ready for it or not...says we should take it slow. He also said that he thought about it all day before our date, and decided that he didn't want to throw away a potentially serious, lasting good relationship just because the woman has a kid (and he will probably want kids in a few years, anyway). He then goes on to say, if we take it slow, he might get attached. I said "what do you mean?" and he says he can't explain.
So my question is....What should I do??? What does he want?? Should I persue this further? He said he is going to call me on Thursday night, so maybe we can go out again. I admit that I am turned off by his lack of paying for the "date" and his not offering me his sweatshirt. But I admire the fact that he is willing to take a chance on a relationship and he has a lot of other good qualities that I can see so far.
HELP PLEASE! any and all advice at all is very welcome!!
THANKS IN ADVANCE!!

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I think he is young and just wants to have fun on his terms. You ask what should I do? I say KEEP on looking.
It is fine if he is not ready for kids - but you have one. He didn't pay the check. AND he didn't help you when you were cold and he has extra clothes.
NEXT!
HI there, and welcome.
A couple of things struck me as I was reading your post. It seems to me that you want to be in a relationship. I would caution against jumping into a relationship with the wrong person simply to be in one. Often (and I have definitely done this) we think that since we're single mothers we should be grateful for any man who is willing to date us. That's hogwash, any man should be thrilled to date us especially because motherhood teaches us so many important things- like patience, kindness, respect, reliability, and responsibility.
Our children are not detriments to our lifestyles, rather, they're additions that make us a more ocmplete package for the right man.
I also do not like his attitude about the check. I'm glad you only paid your own way, but this guy seems a little off to me. Perhaps it was the fact that he invited you to his place- trust me, if you had been more receptive to it, he'd have done more than kiss you. Men seem to be able to read women's signals fairly well, and he probably got the "no go" from you after arriivng at his place. Being freaked about you having a child is only the biggest of this guys' red flags, in my opinion.
However, I didn't spend any time talking to him, and I'd say if he invites you again, go if you like him. Worry less about whether or not he likes you and more about whether or not you like him. I would also caution against spending time alone with any man you don't know, since you never know when you'll meet someone who's not willing to take no for an answer.
Whatever you do, welcome, and keep us posted!
Moody, who's a little more suspicious than some, maybe
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Hi Tatertot, welcome to the board.
This guy did not act like a gentleman over the cheque and the fact you were cold. Plus the fact that he has made it plain that he is not interested in or ready for children. That's three black marks in my book. You and your child come as a package - he can't pick one and cast the other one aside.
If you're looking for a serious relationship, he doesn't really seem compatible in the place he is right now. As a single mom, you have so many things to juggle without having to worry whether someone is into your kid or not. There are a few types of men - those who love kids and welcome them into their lives; those who simply "don't mind" the fact that you have a child; and those who don't want the responsibility of a child. The third category of men are a waste of time.
Like another poster(sorry, can't remember who it was) said, he does get credit for expressing his fears. If he does call you again for another date, think about it carefully. If he doesn't, don't be surprised, but be happy that you've weeded out someone who was not fully compatible with you.
Clem xx
Hey... i love giving my two cents as well....
I'd say that if you're cold... Ask for his sweater. Guys are morons sometimes. They can't pick up on subtly.. My two cents is state what you want. When the check comes... push it towards him without even looking at it. Or at the very least don't grab it first. Today, some guys think that if you've taken out the cash, that you'd be offended if he gave if back to you... So, you have to state what you want and make it clear what you expect. Then, if he only pays for his half, and gives you the rest of the check... you'll know he has a major problem.
Good job bringing up the kid topic and expressing how you feel and/or getting more info from him about how he feels. Communication should always be open and honest (without feeling forced or like an interview).
How about spending more time learning about yourself.... What do you want? If you recently seperated, then stabilizing your life, becoming comfortable being a single mom (and all that goes with that) are all important things to sort through. Allow yourself that valuble time because YOU are worth it. I find that it helps somewhat in dating when I'm confident in myself... then when my date turns out to be a moron, I can more easily say "Next!"
Welcome to the board... hope you stick around and share stories/advice.
Loonybunny
I think as we all stated before that you two are on 2 different levels with what you want out of life and a relationship.
If I was you I would chill with him and try to find more people to date. Try to have fun with the process and be patient - if this one doesn't call there will be another along shortly who will call and treat you like they are important to you.
I sense that you are still frustrated that you are not important - but this is an important vibe you are picking up on. Remember that the first days are when they put their BEST foot forward.
I think this one is only out for a good time. You will fill his physical needs and be some entertainment when he needs company. But that is all - at least from what you are saying so far.
I think this guy is looking for someone to have fun with, casually. It seems to me that he would want to be around a group to keep everything casual, because he's a social person, and to ensure he has a good time, even if it isn't with you exclusively.
I also think younger people especially tend to fall back on technology for communication. The phone is sooo last year when they can text, email, IM, and facebook you. I text only my friends and for work, not men who might be interested in me. I don't reply to their texts- but honestly, I wouldn't be into a guy who thought cU2Nite was an acceptable form of conversation. As they say now, I'm old school like that.
If a man is truly into you, he'll call you. Obviously he has your number. If all you're looking for is fun, too, then by all means, enjoy this. But in my opinion, if you're looking for a relationship, you should look elsewhere.
Moody, who believes technology and dating don't mix
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That is good advice Moody - I am taking notes for sure here. And you are hilarious with your "cU2Nite" coding!
I don't think I would mind a text now and then - but I would want calls and dates too.
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