Need some quick input

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Need some quick input
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 9:42am

I'm so bad at these things.

C is still a delight. He does, from time to time, suffer from verbal diarrehea (spelling, I know), which I just ignore since I have a few friends who do the same thing. I just got back from four days away with the kids, but we talked every day.

The second night I was gone, he stopped the conversation and told me that even though he had talked about how beautiful people thought his ex wife was (annoying, yes) she was not fun to be with. He told me I am no one's doormat, even though I have been, and all my good qualities have lead people to think they can abuse me. He wants me to be strong, take no crap, but also know, that to him, I am the complete package. I was a good way.

Then he joked that since I was gone for "so long" that he has a list of needs for me to meet when I got home!

Anywhooo, here's where I need the input:
My ex is showing up tonight...he didn't ask, he told the kids, who then told me. By that time they had accepted the offer, so I felt stuck.

C wants me to come stay at his house tonight, I can stay at my brothers tomorrow night (C has his kids for the weekend, so a second night is a no go). The problem is that the ex won't arrive here until about 2AM, so if I stay at C's, the kids will be alone until 2, possibly 3. FYI, DS will be 18 next month, DD will be 15 next month.

I've stayed over once at C's when DS was home alone, but DD stayed at my brother's. Would it be weird if I just left them here, knowing their father was going to be there by 2? When they wake up, an adult WILL be home. C only lives 12 minutes away, so if something happened I could be home ASAP.

But I DON'T want to wake up tomorrow morning to my shirtless (he always does that...thinks he's a stud) ex snoring on my couch while I try to drink my coffee. Plus C is not real comfortable with it...not that he thinks the ex is going to put the moves on me, but he doesn't like me being around people who aren't nice to me! (Awww)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 11:11am
I think if your kids don't mind, you should go. I think they are old enough to understand that you really don't want to be there while your ex is there and you are close by if anything happens. If your ex dares to complain, then tell him from now on, he is not allowed to stay at your house any more. I know we posted about this before, so he can either come during the day time or stay at a motel. In fact, I think you should tell him this anyway--he shouldn't be invading your house. Of course he will complain, too bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 11:15am

I think there are several different aspects you need to think about. First, what time will you be leaving to go to C's? Do you trust your kids? The reason I'm asking is that sometimes kids will find out someone's parent is gone and invite themselves over for a party. Second, what's your XH going to think when he comes over and only the kids are home: will he cause problems? Third, do your kids know you have an intimate relationship with C, and are they OK with it, or is this going to be the time they'll figure it out? Fourth, if you're not comfortable having your XH at your house, he shouldn't be there. The kids don't have the say in this matter; it would be different if they'd invited him for dinner (which they would cook), but inviting him for an overnight is a different story. I'd tell the kids the rule from now on is, Dad does not spend the night!

This doesn't sound like the ideal situation to me. Why not wait for a better time to have an overnight date--a time when your XH has the kids for the night? Just my thoughts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:26pm

Is there anyway you could wait for your ex to get to your house and then go to C's at that time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:27pm
I second all of what Julie said ....PLUS - I think as we start new relationships and they become more serious there is a marvelous opportunity there to clean house so to speak. Get rid of habits which were born of convenience in transitioning through the divorce and replace them with arrangements that make more sense on an emotional level for everyone. Meaning: it might be time to cool it with the ex spending the night. To me, it will help all of you move on AND it will show some respect to the new person i your life - not that you are dis-respecting him now but just that a lot of people WOULD be uncomfortable with this arrangement. And I definitely wouldnt allow the kids to invite the ex over night. This is something they should not do anymore out of respect for the fact that you are no longer together and BOTH of you need to have your personal space private again. I know some people live as the exception to the rule but I know of nobody who would be comfortable with their ex coming in and spending the night while visiting with the children. I myself dont even like it when my ex comes in and uses my bathroom and neither does SYB. He is a self centered jerk a lot of the time and I dont like him looking around my house. We have two bathrooms on a three level house and he seems to PREFER the one on the third level. wth? It makes me tense and I would rather he just drop off my son and move on...LOL But we have been divorced for 9 years so we have had plenty of time transitioning. Now with the baby I am shamelessly using her as an excuse to keep him in the basement level bathroom - "baby is resting, feeding, sleeping, cant be disturbed..."
Anyhow, I DO think you could leave them as long as you heed Julie's fab list to make sure you dont cause trouble for yourself. Hopefully it works out and you can get out and have some fun! Good luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:33pm

We have two bathrooms on a three level house and he seems to PREFER the one on the third level.

That is creepy... I don't blame you for using the baby as an excuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 1:25pm

Not so much that I am looking for a sleepover date...just want to get the heck out of MY house.

This arrangement has been going on for three years. At first I thought it would be a way to get the kids acclimated to "visitation" but then it morphed into this nonsense. The ex expects to be accomodated or he won't visit.

The kids didn't invite him, he just called them and announced he's showing up. I guess they assume it's OK with me. But I get annoyed because no one consults ME and I'm the one paying the bills!

I was concerned about him showing up and me not being here. I don't worry about the party aspect because my kids just arent' like that (really! They aren't!) Plus I have neighbors on both sides (I'm in a townhouse) who would be MORE than happy to let me know if something funny was going on.

I think my ex would have a hell of a nerve calling me on not being here when the last time DD went to see him he dumped her on his GF so he could go to work...and that was the first time DD had met the GF. Needless to say, that was almost two years ago and DD has never been invited back to his house. DS has never been invited, period.

Kids know this relationship with C is different since he asks about them and we all have "conversations" on the phone, something I've never done with other guys. He's the only guy I've dated that they've actually met. Hell, he knows more about my kids likes and dislikes than their own father!

So "I" never get any 'time off'. I have the kids 24/7. Ex comes as he pleases, probably one overnight every two months. I hate, hate, hate this. The thought of seeing him in the morning makes me want to puke.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 3:13pm
I think it's time to sit the kids down & tell them that you are going to tell their dad that he's not going to be sleeping over in your house any more and that he will probably then use that as an excuse for not visiting--saying that it's all your fault--but that there are actually other options that would work out where he could still visit them & not stay over. I do think they are old enough to understand that you have been divorced a long time and it makes you uncomfortable & now it's time to cut the cord. Then tell him IN WRITING that he can't stay at your house any more so he has to make other arrangements or invite the kids to go to his house. And don't let yourself feel guilty if he then decides not to visit the kids--this is his choice, even though I'm sure he will say you are preventing him from visiting the kids. I had one case where the dad made a 2 hr (each way) round trip to pick up the kids for the weekend, brought them to his house, then drove them back again. So obviously if people want to see their kids bad enough, they will make the effort.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 7:29pm

agree with music and julie - you are being WAY TOO NICE to this ex.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16