in need of some support
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| Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:37pm |
Hi! I am new to this board, but not at all new to single dating. My three children are 19 to 24 years old and all gone from home. I have been single nine years, although I had a six-year relationship, which has now ended, in the meantime.
I have dated three or four guys in the last few months, and have been blessed to meet a wonderful guy who seems like he might be my guy. Everything is great for me now, but I have always suffered from a complete lack of understanding and support from my children and family in my endeavors to find a new companion in life. I am 54 years old and I do want to share my life with someone who loves me and whom I can love, with a love that is different from the love you have for children and relatives. I loved being married.
My children think that I have already been there, done that in my former long marriage, and my brothers, neither of whom have been married, see relationships as just complicating life and even threatening in ways. My long-married women friends don't seem to realize how lucky they are to have companions at home and find my dating experiences amusing.
My efforts at dating have been quite typical of most people, I think. There have been some learning experiences that weren't all pleasant and I have kissed some frogs! But nothing out of the ordinary in this pursuit at my age where everyone has baggage.
Only my single girlfriends give me support and understanding, and I have gotten rather tired of feeling like I need to justify my desire for this to everyone else. I tend to not talk about and hide some of my dating outings so I don't have to listen to the comments. I wish I could stop feeling guilty about this. I am talking to my therapist about it.
I am just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience, and how you dealt with it. Thank you!

Hi memphisstars,
Welcome to our board - so glad you found us.
I can totally relate to how you feel. Family members and friends who are married and in mid life have NO WAY of understanding how we feel or what we have to deal with in dating as a single parent and also in midlife. And your children and siblings don't have your issues or feelings so they can't relate. My own family is this way. I don't share ANY dating details with my parents. And my own sister has only recently come around on this issue. But I don't share that much with her. That is what this board is for and also that is what my understanding friends are for.
Singles do tend to understand - even the younger ones because they have just as great of a challenge in today's dating world to find someone compatible who wants a relationship.
But don't despair - you have all of us here to share stories. This is a great support group that knows exactly how you feel. I don't think you should feel guilty to avoid discussion of this matter with your family and married friends. But I also think you should not feel inferior - you might want to "put them in their place" if they make negative remarks. You should not let them interfere with this new man in your life!
From what you write here, I believe that you have all of your ducks in order and you will do great. Just hang in there! It is great that you have met someone! Tell us more about him - how did you meet him?
Also tell us what your therapist has to say!!
You know what I find funny? My parents think the same about me as your kids think about you. I have 3 kids and yes I am only 22, and may be pregnant, I know not great scenario but besides all that, I am going through basically a nasty divorce, seperation whatever you wanna call it. I'll never get back with that jerk as long as I live, may it be 120 years, but....
You need to stop feeling guilty about wanting to date. Just because you are 54 doesn't mean you are dead, or have a dead sex drive for that matter. My grandma told me a couple years ago.... honey I feel like I'm a teenager again, I'm always horny, LOL, I'm crackingup as i write this. My grandmother can barely get out of bed for anything and is on oxygen 24/7 and is almost 80, in about 3 months.
Dont feel guilty. My parents think I had my fun and thats it, I've got 3 kids and I'm done no more nothing for me, that's my life I've chosen and I cant be with anyone else, ever. Well my kids aren't gonna hold me back, to some extent and neither should yours. Go out have fun and tell everyone about your dating adventures. Your kids should be happy you're happy, and trust me they are, they just think that it's a little weird seeing "mom" like this. Have fun and keep us posted.
Hi Memphis, '
Welcome to the board.
Thank you all for your support! It sure means a lot. I post some on other boards, and have found some of the greatest people on iVillage.
I do have a policy of keeping most of my "men" experiences private, but it just seems sad that the people who are closest to you and who love you the most can be the most insensitive and cruel about your feelings and efforts to find romantic love. Even if they don't understand, it seems they could be supportive.
I know my brothers think my plate has been so full with raising three children by myself and working that I am just looking for trouble by trying to date. What they don't comprehend is that when I have had a boyfriend, that has been the one thing that has kept me sane and given me some relief from the stresses in life.
I mistakenly thought my married friends would find my dating adventures amusing, but quickly realized they were jealous of my "freedom" and maybe somewhat threatened by my single state. They were not interested at all.
And it's been difficult to keep my whereabouts secret from my children who are in and out of my home constantly.
I am sorry younger folks are having such a difficult time dating now, too. I think life is just much more complicated for everyone. I love that story about your 80-year-old grandmother, still horny! Wow! Trust me, I look and feel much younger than my own years, and my 41 year old BF will vouch for that. There is plenty of living to be had even in middle age. There is a lot to be said for being comfortable with your self and your body. Sex is a very mental thing, and it can be even more fun as you get older. Technique can make up for stamina. Chemistry can be even more powerful. I know I have more fun than my children, but I can't tell them that!
I am glad I found you all. I will be visiting frequently.