Need to talk ... and your advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Need to talk ... and your advice
9
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 3:24pm

Hi,

First of all, I am not yet a single mom or I am dating.
I am in a marriage that I am not happy with and I think
there are more to life and that I should desire more.
But I don't even know how to start.

I just basically need to talk to someone. Thanks God you
guys are here and from my lerking you are very helpful.
Hopefully, you can give me some advice along the way.

This is my 1st post, so it'll be long. Please bear with me.

A little background:
I've been with R for almost 5 yrs, married for over a year.
I am 32, he's 26. And we both have a good job in the same teach field.
We have an almost 8 month adorable baby girl together. Our relationship
always has more downs than ups. But things just seem to get
worse and worse. I've been telling myself that I should learn
to put away my pride so we can all live in the same house,
so I can see my adorable angle everyday. I just can't imagine
to be apart from her at all. Since the day she was born,
I've spent all my time with her. I spent 3 1/2 months at home
with her. When I went back to her, I took her to my mom to
care for her during the day. After work, I spent all my time
with her until she went to bed.
So, here's the trouble. She's almost 8 months, and her father
have never changed a single diaper. Things are better now that
my baby is more vocal and shows her disire to have daddy's attention.
When she was younger, he would sometimes go for days w/o
spending any time with her. It's just night and day for us.
I can't wait for the work day to end so I can go pick up my
little angle. When we got home at around 6:30pm, he continued to
work on his laptop or talk and talk about his work or the news
w/o paying attention to her. I can see that my baby desires his
attention. I sometimes have to say, "can you please say hi to her
for a couple mins". He spent a max of 20-30min a day with her
but yet he's acting like he knows everything about her. He even
said that if we were to get a divorce he'd make sure I will have
as little time as possible with our baby. One example, one time
our baby cried, he said "feed her" (as a command). I said, I just
did 15mins ago before I brought her out here (the living room).
We argued over it. I sait if you believe she's hungry, you can
feed her some formula (I breastfeed her). He ended up calling
me an as**** because I refused to do what he commanded.
He made Sat the day to spend time with our baby. But sometimes,
he spent most of Sat working on his computer. I wanted to take
our baby for a walk because it was nice outside, but he wouldn't allow it.
He called it "You can't run away with my baby". So, our baby
ended up spending the whole day inside watching her daddy work
and occasinally waved to her. Yes, so I am stuck there watching her
the whole time so he can see her w/o doing any work.

As for me, the man has no respect or love for me anymore.
I want to love him. I want us to have a happy little family.
But it's just impossible when he doesn't love me.
When I said "I love you", he said "that's what you say"
We no longer hug, kiss or do anything romatic. He said he want
one day of the week to spend time with me (Sunday)
To tell the truth, I do it as an obligation. When he is not
showing any affection, any caring for me during the week,
I just feel so dry. I really don't have any romantic feelings for him
on Sunday. He no longer do anything for me. I got no flowers
for my birthday, mother's day, or our anniversary. Yes, we
did go out to dinner, but we also do that every week.
The man doesn't put anything in the garbage. Basically, the
whole house is a big garbage can to him. I spent 10-15mins everyday
to collect all the stuff he put everywhere (wet towels, shocks, cute tips,
dirty clothes, dirty dinner plates and glasses). These items are all over
the place. I got use to clean up after him, so I am ok with
doing this as long as he shows me a little affection and not the
i-don't-give-a-sh** attitude. I've tried so many things.
I tried making dinners, making breakfasts (while holding my baby).
He just didn't appreciate anything and totally took me as granted.
So I stopped doing that. And things only got worse.

So many times I wonder, what I am doing here. I can finacially support
my baby. Why I am being his little maid with no pay? I know I should
live a happier life. But I can't stand the thoughts of only having
my baby every other week when we get a divorce. My baby is my life.
I am totally lost as you can see. Plus I know he can't spend more than
15mins at a time with our baby before handing her back to me. So, how
is he going to take care of her. Of course, he will hire a live-in nanny
or just let her fuss/cry while he's doing his things. I don't know.
Right now, he's all about fighting to get as much custody as he could.
So, it'll be a big battle unless I agree to equal custody.
Or may be he even tries to get full custody. Yes, he does make up things
about me. He thought he spent more time with our baby than he did.
I almost want to gamble with him -- agree to equal custody and
pray that he will get to know how much work to take care of a little
baby and give her back to me and only want weekend visitation.
I don't know.

For you ladies who were in a similar boat, how did you manage?
If you were to do it again, would you still choose to have the divorce
or would you think it's better to bite the bullet to be with your kids.

Thanks for listening,
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 4:28pm

This man, and I use that term very loosely, is abusive. He is holding whatever he can above your head to control you, and by this I mean your child. This is all about control and how he has to control every aspect of your life and your childs. My suggestion is to get out now and don't look back. How? First, I would start documenting EVERYTHING. Document nasty thing he does, how he has treated you, and how he has treated your dd.

My exhusband always told me that he would file for full custody and that I wouldn't get to see my dd. That's bull, b/c in reality, these guys don't want these children, they don't want to be bothered by taking care of them. My ex was just using this as a ploy for me to stay with him so he could continue to jerk me around and still do and live as he pleased. He still harrasses me about our dd...but when I actually do offer her to him, he never really follows through. Of course she goes with him occassionally, but he basically throws her back at me as soon as it's time to pick her up.

Maybe you could go to a battered women's shelter, or at least talk to someone that works there to find out more options.

I guess visitation schedules are different from state to state, I'm not sure. But I live in Missouri, and the judge said that he didn't grant overnight visitation until at least 18 months. You could also talk to a licensed clinical social worker for counceling and have her testify on your behalf if you do end up getting a divorce and going to court.

You can't hold on to something that will never exist. This man doesn't care about your feelings and how he is treating you. You are right, he's just using you as his personal servant - and you're worth more than that. He's already set the stage for how the rest of your life is going to be. So, what do you want and need for you and your dd? I decided that I couldn't be in my loveless, abusive marriage any longer. I also didn't want my dd growing up seeing me live with a man who constantly harrassed me, laid his hands on me, and cheated on me. What kind of example was I being to her? I was just showing her the wrong things and it was time for me to break the chain. My mother was abused by my father. I sought out a man who turned out just like him, and I will be damned if my dd follows that pattern.

You need to do what's in the best interest of you and your dd, even though it may be hard, I know you can find the strength. Look into lawyers, counselors, etc., and be prepared.

I hope this helps a little - I have a tendency to ramble sometimes!

Lots of luck to you and lots of hugs! Keep us posted!

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 4:59pm
Dear Lisa,
I really feel for you, my eyes watered as I read your post. Your relationship is just last my last marriage. I totally agree with Kait, it is an abusive realtionship, and he's just talking a lot of bs, about having your dd half the time, trust me he won't want all that time with her. My ex spends 3/4 hours every Saturday and can't wait to drop her right off. It's kind of frustrating because I can't ever get to go out or do anything. When she was younger she used to spend more time with him, but now that's she's older(11), sees the pigsty he lives in (lazy slob), sees no cable, dvd, video game player;etc.
All the goodies that's she's used to living with me, she dosen't want to visit or stay very long. She just wants to spend a couple of hours, and that's it. It's not just the material things, he's very selfish and cheap, and now that she's older she's starting to see him for what he truly is, and she dosen't want to be around him for that long. She loves him dearly, but it's like she tells me, she dosen't like him very much. I suspect your guy if he dosen't change his ways may someday face this as well. Do what ever it takes to get out of this relationship, if not only for your daughter's sake. She's a baby now, but when she gets older, the way she sees her father treating you will hurt her self esteem. I left my ex 9 years ago, I was scared, peniless, had 3 kids to worry about, but I put it all in God's hands, and have done nothing but prospered every since. I have no regreats and thank God everyday that I had the courage to take a leap of faith.I will definately keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 6:25pm

Thanks both of you for replying.

OMG, you both said that it's an abusive relationship even w/o me mentioning it. And I didn't even tell you a tenth of what happened and all the name calling he did.
You know I walked out on him 2yrs ago for 4 months (I couldn't stand the pig style and the way he put me down in most of our conversations.) His famous phrase "You are wrong!" (sometimes even before I finished what I had to say.) Stupid me, stupid me for getting back together. We used to work in the same group and it was very hard to see him everyday and be enemies. Now there is a baby involved and I can't just walk out like before :( You know when I was 3 months pregnant with morning sickness. I really didn't feel well. But he always had to go somewhere on the weekend and got mad if I didn't want to go. So, I brought seabands & bags with me and go on this 4hrs road trip he wanted to take. (this may be TMI, I just want to tell you how he treated me) While on the freeway, I had to puke. He stopped on the side of the freeway and he was like "Get out, get out" (not in a funny way). Then he got mad that I didn't leave the bag on the side but brought it with me. I felt so bad and cried and cried. He stopped at the shopping center and I got out. I said I just didn't want to be in the same car with him. He actually left me there in the middle of no where (no bus). I had to pay $200 to take a taxi home.

Any way, thanks for letting me vent. I am not sure I feel better or worse. I guess both.

I know I need to get out. What homework do I need to do?
What kind of things do I need to write down. Do I just look for a lawyer in the area and go talk to him? Do I talk to him first about me wanting to get a divorce? (he will probably get very angry and either leave or ask me to leave the house) Do I just meet the lawyer, get the paper ready? What do I do? A few times, we just fought (no mention of divorce) and he took our baby and said "get out", "she's my baby". Any way, I am frighten just to think about this. I don't think I will go anywhere w/o my baby. I don't think I should leave with baby either (he will probably call the cops and report kid napping) I think I should just stay put, take whatever anger or nasty name calling and wait it out till there are some sort of legal arrangement. (btw, he is not physically abusive, so I am not worry about that) Please give advice on this area.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 7:21pm

Okay, first off, you say that he's not physically abusive. Okay, well what's to stop him? He's emotionally hurting you right now, he's made you think that you can't leave him b/c of dd, and he's hurting your self esteem! If he's already gone as far as name calling, leaving you out in the middle of no where when you were 3 months pregnant with HIS child, then what's stopping him from laying his hands on you when he gets good and ready to?

Second, you are not stupid for going back to him. Girl, if you only knew how many times I let my exhusband back in my life. I'm just now rid of him, kicked him out 3 or 4 months ago, and I'm still reeping the effects of it. My ex and I were separated in November 04 and divorced in March 05. It's a mess, but it's worth it b/c I don't have to suffer from the violence, the name calling, the cheating, etc. He made me think and feel like I was nothing and I didn't deserve anything or anyone better. That's what they do. That's how they get control over you...it's a pattern.

You have to be strong, and I know you can be! You've already taken the first step, in my opinion, by coming to this board and venting and telling us about your problems. Only you can do what's right for you. Yes, it's a scary thing to go through a divorce or leave an abusive situation, especially when there is a child involved. But I think for you own safety and sanity, that you need to leave.

I personally wouldn't mention divorce to him right now. I would do what I had to do behind his back b/c you don't know how he will react to the news. Do you have family or friends close by? If so, go stay there. It is not kidnapping to take your own child and leave a relationship. It is only kidnapping if there is a court order stating who has the child when and where and you do not comply and leave the state, country, or whatever. As of now, you don't have any court document. If she is in your custody, she is yours. Don't give her to him...b/c if he gets her and there is not a court order for custody, then he doesn't have to give her back either.

Find a lawyer, document everything, as in his behavior towards you and your dd, he emotional abuse towards both of you, and anything else in between. Most lawyers have a free consultation...look for a good one, and get out of the house. If you work together, call in for a sick day, and when he leaves, get the things you need and get out of there. You don't deserve to be treated like a piece of crap, and your dd doesn't deserve to see it either. B/c in reality, daughters pattern the relationships they grow up seeing their mothers in, and I honestly believe that. So, do you want your dd to grow up thinking that this is how a man should treat a woman? No...if it were turned around and it was your dd in this situation, what would you tell her to do? You would tell her to leave, right? You would tell her that she is a wonderful person that deserves so much more in life than to be treated like she is nothing. So do it for yourself too!

Be strong! If need be, go file for a restraining order on him and then he can't come within 100 feet of you! If you have to, change jobs...just get away from him as fast as you can. B/c this man sounds very irratic, abusive, mean, hateful, and down right disgusting!

God won't give a mountain that you can't climb! Think of it as a compliment in some ways. God knows that you're strong enough to handle this!

Hugs and Prayers,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:45pm

Lisa,

When my nana was going through a divorce from my grandfather (who was an abusive alcoholic), he was constantly threatening to take my mom and her two brothers away. He did all he could to make her life a mess and drive her mad. So one day, she said, "fine, take the kids, leave me the heck alone!" Guess what happened? He didn't WANT THEM! He stopped talking to her. He was only USING them as a way to make her miserable.

I see the same thing going on here with you. Your husband knows that your life IS your daughter, so what would be the ONE thing he could hurt you with, hang over your head? Take her away.

I'll tell you what you do. You say nothing of divorce to him. What you need to do is make a plan of action, ok? First off, the next time, THE VERY NEXT TIME he is out of the house and you are home alone with your daughter, you pack a few things in a bag and you leave. Go to your mom's. The next thing you do is go to the court house, you won't need a lawyer, and you file for a temporary custody order. You tell the judge that you are fearful for your safety, that your husband has threatened to take off with your daughter and that his abuse has escalated that you are worried he will become physical. See about getting a restraining order as well.

Next, you want to find a mediator and begin the divorce negotiations. There's no reason why you can't fight for full custody, don't back down and get only half- do not give your power away. This man doesn't spend ANY time with his daughter, he does not have a relationship with her- you DO! Make sure that you bring up all the ways he's been with her, how he thinks family day is him on the computer and everyone watching him work away.

You will be doing the right thing, and you'll know you're doing the right thing because everything will fall into place for you when you need it to. That's how I knew I was on the right track when I split from Nicolas' dad. All those *reasons* I had had (excuses, really) as to *WHY* I couldn't leave just melted away. I COULD afford the apartment on my own, I DID find a babysitter who was willing to work for cheap, I WOULD find someone else who loved me.

You have to be willing to take the chance and do it. You know it's the best thing that you can do for both yourself and your daughter. Have the courage to stand up and take your life back. Show your daughter how to be strong and not fall victim to abuse.

If I could do it again, I would have left sooner. Don't wait another minute to leave, you don't want to look back and go, "why didn't I leave THEN?"

Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 8:26am

Hi Lisa,

I am just now reading all of the posts here. You must listen to the others here.

I think you should follow Alison's advice on what to do - she puts it in easy-to-follow steps that are non-confrontational and will keep you and your angel safe.

Do not have fear and do not back down. Please have faith that if you take the first step and get out you will be on a road to a better life. It is not normal for him to treat you that way and it is evident that the more you do the less he respects you. You do have history of his behavior being very bad towards you even before the baby.

If you get out you will have a lot more control over your life and you will find a way to resolve all of the challenges you have now.

Please keep us posted - we do care! I am so glad you came to us - we welcome you.




Edited 10/7/2005 8:42 am ET ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:51am

Lisa,

Your situation sounds so familiar to me. My ex husband was the same way. He was controlling. He got worse after we got married and got way worse after our son was born. Literally, I felt like my husband had turned against me. 2 weeks after my son was born, my husband was saying that he was going to take our baby way etc.... and that I could never leave him and take our child too. It was bizarre.

I think that your husband is suffering from a male version of post-partum something or other. I believe it stems from jealousy over the new baby.

When my son was 5 months old, there was an incident and I said 'enough'. I left and stayed with my parents. A lengthy custody battle followed and guess who won? Me. I got sole custody and my ex has visitation rights.

All the time my ex tried to intimidate me and make me feel like he would win, etc.....

If you feel like you need to leave (i didn't even want to be left alone with my ex, even though he never hit me...i felt like i was living with a scary stranger), then just leave. Take it one day at a time. Divorce and custody can get ugly, but if you need out, you have to do what it takes.

5 years after my divorce was final. I'm better than ever. I have a beautiful house that I bought on my own because I advanced in my career. I have a great boyfriend. My little boy is in the first grade and I have very little contact with my ex. My son still visits him regularly though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 12:23pm

I think Alison gave you great advice. Also, I don't know what part of the US you live in but here in NY we have Safe Horizons, an excellent organization (they helped us a lot on Sept.11th). They can offer you help in either going into a shelter, or just getting counseling on what to do next. Call them @(800)799-SAFE. They can refer you to help in your area. If you feel like you can't leave right now, than at least arm yourself with valuble information, so that you can plan. It took me several months to leave my ex (3 kids/No where to go;etc.), but with good information, careful planning and lots of prayer and souls searching I was able to make my move into a better life. You can do it, you're stronger than you think. Also once you are on your own and settled, look into therapy or counseling, it will make a world of difference and help you exaimine why you were in this type of relationship to begin with, and help you avoid ever being in one again.

Lots of love and hugs your way

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 8:19am

Dear Orchids -
I'll keep it short and sweet...you're in a controlling and abusive relationship. Is that the kind of marriage you want to show your daughter? She will repeat your behavior.

Ask yourself this - do you love this man? If so, you should both go to counseling and really try to make an effort. If you do not, then I suggest that you prepare yourself for a divorce. Arm yourself with examples of his control (he is using your child to control you) and an excellent divorce attorney. Get the support of your friends and family. You sound like a strong and self-sufficient person. Your husband is neither of these things.

You deserve to be happy. It will make you an even better mother (even though it sounds like you are a wonderful mother)!

Love to you,
Kim