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| Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:30pm |
Hmmm...I've always wondered why people don't post the title of what they need thoughts and advice about. Now I know---I really can't boil it down to a few words.
Basically, I'm just looking for some feedback from divorced/separated moms. In the relationship, I am the new gf. Well as new as a 4yo relationship can be. BF and wife have been separated for 7 years with 2 kids (boy--11 and girl 8). We are now starting to talk about living together and possibly marriage. My conditions are that no one is moving in with anyone until the divorce is finalized by the courts. Also, at the beginning of the year, I gave him until the end of the year to complete the proceedings. Not a threat, just a statement, that I was not willing to wait more than 12 more months for this to finalize.
She remains a SAHM supported completely by him. Now for what I need thoughts and advice on....
1) When they married, and they married young, they bought a house in a not so great neighboorhood. At the time, they thought they would move if they ever had children. Well, you know how it goes, the children came, the separation came, and she still lives there with the 2 kids. Now, 2 registered sex offenders live on the street, it's a major road, and they kids can't play outside. So I get all that. He has now offered to BUY her a house. Is this normal, expected, I just don't know. Obviously, he has to qualify for the mortgage since she doesn't have an income and this will be an outright gift. He is not a rich man that can easily afford this.
2)The family still does activities together. I'm not talking about going to the childs softball game or the boys soccer game. I'm talking about family outings. To the amusement park, to major league events, to Disney On Ice. His viewpoint is that she can't afford to take the children to these things and deserves to experience them with her children. He attends so that the children see mom and dad getting along. Again--do other people do this?
3) The new car---again purchased and financed by him for her. His reasoning--his children need to be safe and she needs to get them to their activities.
4) Her XMAS Present---a georgous $1000 digital SLR. He claims it's practical and he is giving her a practical gift to capture pictures of his children. Now granted, every year for xmas she makes him a nice picture collage. Again, are gifts of this type typical in divorced/separated families.
All of which leads me to whatI'm trying to figure out. Do other families do this? Or should I run for the hills now....thanks for taking the time to provide some input.
Edited 5/19/2006 12:55 pm ET by fle3705

First of all hello and welcome to the board. You sure have yourself in a dilemma. I don't exactly know where to begin with my response.
Separated for TEN years? Gimme a break. He supports her and does family activities together? They are still MARRIED, just sleeping under different roofs. This guy is having his cake and eating it too! No, the situation you are describing is anything but normal!
RUN!!!!!!!!!
Stephanie
Run away from this one. Run as fast as you can. The situation you describe is NOT normal at all. She's still a SAHM???? He's going to buy her a new house. They are still married. They might not be sleeping together in the same bed every night, but they are definitely entwined. Still together emotionally and financially.
You do not want that baggage. He would never be your husband and love you as much as he loves wife #1.
Well, I sort of have a different viewpoint on some of this. It doesn't mean I don't agree with the other's point's of view, but I would like to share a story:
I have a very good friend who divorced her first husband, with whom she had one child. Her son is now 12. She remarried, and her "new" husband had one child, who is now 14. He also was divorced, and his ex-wife had already been divorced, so he has step-children, who are older.
My friend, let's call her S, keeps in contact with her ex (R) and her husband (J) keeps in contact with his (K). Everyone following me? Good.
Now, on Mother's Day, S's son and R got her a very nice gift. Her husband and his son got her a card. J and his son got K a very nice gift. I'm not sure I disagree with any of that. The fathers helped the sons pick a gift for their own mother, and paid for it, even though they were divorced from said mother.
Now, at Christmas and other holidays, each father gets each mother a gift from him, personally, and the sons pick their own gifts as well. That's just the way this family, extended as it is, works. They all barbeque together.
I personally think it's pretty stinking cool that they can get along so well. I also think that if I were ever in such a situation, I could only hope it would work out so well. The four "guys"-(so that's exhusband, new husband, step-son, and biological son, for those of you keeping track at home) are going camping together next month, without any women.
As for money, R pays child support to S-although she's always worked and never expected him to support her, before or after their divorce, and they work in the same company. In fact, she got him his job (after they divorced, mind you), and he's technically her boss, although she's been there longer and they're both upper management.
J has custody of his son, and K doesn't pay any child support, oddly enough, to him She sees the son every other weekend and on some school holidays, as a typical non-custodial parent agreement would have it.
So, in short, I guess I would just say, some families DO stay very close after a divorce. I would expect that they would actually get divorced, and not just be indefinitely seperated, but yes, it can happen. As far as super high priced expensive gifts go, I guess people spend what they WANT to spend.
In the family I'm speaking of, it wouldn't be unheard of for the kindof gifts you're talking about to be exchanged. I help Android make his father cards and popsicle stick boxes for gifts... but that's just me. Every family is different.
I also think he's obviously devoted to his children... but he can't buy their love, or buy away his guilt for ending the marriage. Money doesn't make anything better.
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Welcome to the board.
While the situation you describe is by no means typical, if it works for them, then great- because the kids really benefit from being with both mom and dad.
I do think, though, that they need to move on with the divorce proceedings if they're serious about it. Otherwise, they should work on their marriage- which means you're out, but at least you'd know where you stand.
You don't seem to be happy with the situation and where it's leaving you, so why do you stay? As the others pointed out, he's still married and he's acting like a full-blown family, just not sleeping there- I assume here he's sleeping with you. If you were comfortable with his spending time with them, and they were divorced, then I'd say, "hey, why not become part of the tradition and go along for the trips to the zoo?"
You've been "dating" this guy for 4 years, he's still married and now you're talking about more of a future with him. You need to be very clear with him what your expectations are here. If you don't like anything of the situation as it is now, then I will say don't continue with this relationship- he's unlikely to change the setup even if he goes through a divorce. Another thing is, how do you feel about financially supporting this woman? If you DO marry this man, is she now your responsibility? What if he buys her a house, and suddenly YOU and HIM cannot afford one of your own? Or, what if he buys her a house, are you responsible for her mortgage payments if he gets ill and cannot work?
If you're not ok with the situation now, how will marriage change it? Do you expect that he will make YOU his primary focus, when he's shown for the last 4 years that you're not?
You're a smart woman with a lot to offer a great man, one without baggage and issues. Let this one go to sort out his life and then you can move on.
Good luck.
This is not normal at all, and I would not be okay with it, not even a little bit.
Let me first say that my ex and I get along great.
Speaking from an exwife's POV, I would love to have an Ex like that!
My Ex pretty much deserted me and I have raised my boys on my own with a meager support check every two weeks,
From a Gf's POV, I would be very daunted.
You say that you and he have been dating for 4 years so this is not new to you.
You've put up with it this long, what's the problem?
I firmly believe that the kids come first until they are old enough to care for themselves.
A tad bit of advice from me, not that it is especially insightful.
It's ok if he bought her a car, that's debt that you know about coming into the relationship. But not a new one every year, that's a bit much!
A new house? Definitely out of the question. If she wants the kids in a better neighborhood then she gets off her A$$ and gets a job and contributes or gives custody to the father who I am sure lives in a great neighborhood..right?
As far as the family vacations are concerned, the buck stops here. Drag that new fancy camera along and videotape the experience for her. Send her a postcard that says wish you were here and call it perfect. She deserves what she works and earns..I work fulltime and none of my kids have ever been in trouble with the law, molested, or have "bad" friends. I don't tolerate that nonsense, period.
Ex wives don't belong on blended family vacations any more than ants do. And that is not a typo- I really meant the creepy, crawly bugs!
If I were in your shoes I would question his love for you. Most men don't treat their ex's so well and still profess love for a GF.
I think maybe it's time for you two to sit down and have a serious heart2heart about who's who and what's what and where his guilty complex is actually coming from.
I think you can find a compromise here but not at the rate that the spending is going.
Afterall, don't you two want to start a family of your own too?
It's obvious that you love him, after 4 years but the blinders are off and so are the gloves.
Don't allow yourself to get railroaded but at the same time the kids need to be taken care of also.
I'm sure if you love this man and he loves you, then he can be reasoned with and so can the Ex wife. Afterall, they aree her kids too and she needs to contribute to supporting them.
~Be~ who can view Alices problem from both sides of the looking glass because I have been the ex and the GF and I haven't taken advantage of or allowed myself to be railroaded in either situation.
I have to say that his situation sounds a little similar to mine (ex doesn't work, wants to make sure they are provided for etc). But, like Credence Clearwater said in that old song "I see a bad moon a risin, I see trouble on the way"
He is acting like he either has a lot of guilt he is trying to compensate for, or still is carrying a torch. The decision about buying her a house is a 20-30 year committment (with the mortgage) lasting long after the kids are gone and well into when they will be old enough to where she can work.
The doing things as a family unit will confuse the kids. It prevents them from moving past the fact that mom and dad are divorced and down the road could cause problems for you.
And the camera? That's too much. I give my ex a Christmas present because we all exchange gifts together with our son. But its never that extravagant
Run for the hills. He is still married in many ways. Legally. Emotionally. Monetarily.
You want someone here now, ready now for you. Run for the hills so you can find him.
Welcome to our board!!