need your thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
need your thoughts
6
Mon, 12-10-2007 - 3:16pm
I'm a bit confused and I'd like to know your thoughts on this. A little background first: Separated since this time last year, court in May and legally divorced in Sept. I've gone on a total of 5 dates with 4 different men since...needless to say I haven't been in the dating scene much at all. All first dates and only one second date.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-10-2007 - 4:16pm

The underlying reason why the rule-of-thumb not to involve kids in a relationship that is not permanent/long term is that they may get emotionally attached to the lover and if the relationship ends then they go through another loss after going through the loss of their divorced parent... like going through another divorce for them.


Whenever I had a common activity with the woman I was dating and my children, I would not even touch her around them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 12-10-2007 - 6:17pm

Okay, let me get this straight...


You joined the single parents group since summer, and met Mr. Exotic. Multiple playdate events WITH kids involved as huge group since then... so you and Mr. E has NOT been on any dates where it's just the two of you?


I don't see the problem with you and him and all the kids being together, if it's an event where there are other single parents & their kids all around. That's not dating, IMO- that's just attending a big event with kids.


BUT- if your playdates consist of you and him, with your kids- and no one else... then I wouldn't recommend that! Unless you are both JUST friends and getting together for playdates- and expecting nothing more. But if you have ANY romantic interests (which it sounds like you do)- then it's best to keep the kids OUT of your dating.


I just don't think it's good to have insta-family and do group things involving the kids when you don't even know if you two would be good as a COUPLE yet. If you haven't even tried a date with just the 2 of you, then you really don't know yet if you'd get along as a couple. I know I can be a different person as "woman on a date" than I am when I'm "mommy"- and you can't know if the 2 of you are compatible as a dating pair if you only see hiim when your kids are around.


Somehow I don't feel like I'm getting my message across clearly, but I hope it made sense anyway. (I'm flying on too much coffee today -still caffeinated even by dinnertime)


But if you haven't even gone on a date with him yet (ALONE- no kids)- then it's still too early to be concerned. He might as well be another single mom at these events if attending events are all you're doing together. I don't think that is "bad involvement" for the kids. What I think is "bad involvement" is to have "family dates" where it's only you and him with the kids, like a pretend family.


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 12-10-2007 - 7:19pm

My two cents:


If you want to make some playdates with just your kids and his (away from the playgroup events) here's my thought. Go ahead and make them, and let the kids play together. But, make these get together totally platonic right now, even though you have chemistry with Mr Exotic. You guys might be aching inside to get to know one another like you would on a one on one date, but make it clear before the playdates that this is for the kids, and you guys can have a real date somewhere else away from the kids.


That way, your kids can have fun together, you get to see how he interacts as a dad, and you get a general sense of him, without it being a date. To the kids this would look like just a friendly get together with a friend and that is fine, actually healthy! If sparks fly, keep that element out of the playdate. It could confuse the kids this soon. If all goes well, and you date outside of these get together playdates, let's say down the road a few months for example, and you find yourself in an exclusive or committed dating situation with him, at that point I think it would be OK to have these get togethers as a couple. The kids would have had time to know him.


As for the ex, if you schedule a playdate with Mr exotic's kids, I would not tell ex that a guy is meeting your kids. Because at this point he is not being introduced to your kids as a boyfriend. If things develop into a relationship then you could (of you feel it necessary) tell ex that things have developed between you and Mr Exotic and assure him your kids are getting along fine with him.


Just my thoughts! Hope it helps :o)


~Pacific~



Edited 12/10/2007 7:20 pm ET by pacific_sun
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 12-11-2007 - 3:55pm

I have to agree with everyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Tue, 12-11-2007 - 5:28pm

I have to agree with Shrimpy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Tue, 12-11-2007 - 5:46pm

Zack


I agree mostly w/ Shrimpy. I am a single mom of 1 daughter. I have been divorced for 6 years now.


If you guys are all at an event with everyone else and not acting like dates, then I suppose that is fine. However, don't think kids can't sense when 2 adults like each other, especially if his are older.