Needing Prayers Like Never Before!
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 07-14-2005 - 3:24pm |
Everyone just giving you a little update on what's going on in my life. I have had a very hectic few days. The man that was in my life is no longer....i let him go! He is verbally abusive, and just terrible. He just recently got kicked out of his fathers' home, didn't have a job until last week, no car, and living at my house with my daughter and me. He eats up all of the food, doesn't help out and expects me to do everything as he wants it done. Not to mention i'm his taxi, and he doesn't even say thank you for anything. So starting off yesterday evening, after i kicked him out a couple of days ago we tried to work on things. So he comes over the day before yesterday, and we start wrestling (note he's a Karate National Champion). Well he's kind of rough with me, and i tell him to stop and he doesn't. Pretty soon, he playfully grabs my arms, and i try to knee him. So he storms out, and walks to the gas station down the street. He calls me from there, and asks if i can give him a ride. So i go and do this. Anyway, the next morning he calls me, and wants to see if we are still together, so i go and pick him up. He comes over here and we talk, then i take him to work at 8:45. So he tells me that he'll be getting dropped off at his friends' house that he's staying at. Well at 12:45 the phone rings, and he wants to know if i want him to come over and stay the night. So I go and pick him up, waking my daughter up mind you. So we come back, and i tell him that someone had been following us on the way to pick him up. He said well i don't know who it could have been, and that we are ok so it doesn't matter. He didn't even bother to ask me if we were ok, until i brought it up to him. Then this morning i tried to wake him up nice. Then we started talking about astronomy, and he always asks like he knows more than anyone. Trying to out do me in it. So then he wants to have sex, and i have to say it was the worst sex i've ever had in my life!!!!!! So unfulfilling!!! Mind you this is the man who claims he's only loved two women Me, and his first love! He never wants to please me sexually, only himself. And on top of that, he always wants me to give him head (excuse me) before we do anything else. And the reason this is, is because the women he's slept with do this for him with no problems and i won't. So afterwards he see's i'm upset, and asks me what's the matter. However i can tell that he really doesn't care. So then he says can you take me back to the place i was staying. And starts making phone calls on MY phone. So then i get on the phone to call my mother, and i don't mention her. So he comes upstairs to see who i'm talking to. So i get off the phone, and he starts asking me who it was. I tell him none of his business. He always thinks it's another man. So i drop him off, and that was that. This was Today. I'm done. All i need right now is some good advice from some good people. This relationship with this man is so toxic, it's not even funny. I need prayers from any place i can get it from. In the past few weeks, i have been getting headaches, lost 14 pounds, not eating, and just feeling run down. This isn't how life is suppose to be. Please Help!
Yasmari

Pages
Oh dear, Yasmari,
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that.
That is horrible - he has treated you like a doormat and until now you have obliged.
I think that your bottom lines show the best part, "I'm done. All i need right now is some good advice from some good people. This relationship with this man is so toxic, it's not even funny. I need prayers from any place i can get it from. In the past few weeks, i have been getting headaches, lost 14 pounds, not eating, and just feeling run down. This isn't how life is suppose to be. Please Help!"
The best part is that now you know you are done. You only need to do 2 things:
1) Keep the door closed - do not let him back into your life. You are not going to change his mind or have him see your point. No more discussion. I agree he is VERY toxic and he has mistreated you and he doesn't and won't realize it - he is using you, honey. He is only thinking of himself and is not in a good place in his life. There is nothing wrong with YOU. You have to remember that and not go back.
2) Take good care of yourself. Put yourself first in your life and the rest will fall into place. You have to keep yourself strong for your dd.
Do you have family and friends now that you can lean on to help you put your life back together? You need positive people around you so you will heal.
Keep us posted - you can write to us each day and tell us how your day went. We care!! I am sure the others will have kind words, too.
Good luck and be STRONG -
I agree with West. One thing I tell myself when I am trying to convince myself to move on emotionally from the relationship with my x-bf is this: "My dd doesn't need me to be in a relationship like this (with no committment and no obvious future)." Your dd certainly doesn't need to be woken up so you can run around giving some perfectly healthy adult male rides all over the place, and she doesn't need a mom that is an emotional doormat just because someone asked her to be that for him. The good part is you know you are done, and that is a huge first step. If you don't feel the inner courage to find someone who will treat you right, find someone who will treat you the way you'd want a man to treat your dd when she grows up. You are her biggest role model, and she's learning a lot just by watching you. Don't settle and maybe when she grows up she won't settle either. A relationship should be based on trust, respect, personal responsibility, caring for each other and all those good positive things. Plus it's a two way street. I'm not sure this relationship has anything positive to offer you or your dd, and I'm glad you want to be done with it.
Separating him from your life is the hard part. Stay strong and we'll be here for you whenever you need us.
Thank you so much for the advice Firstamendment and West, i appreciate it. Since i have written that post, i decided to go out and visit some family. As i was gone only an hour later i started receiving phone calls. "Hey it's me. Pick up your phone when i call! I told you about getting all crazy when you get upset with me. Talk to you later" This is utterly ridiculous! The hard part for me isn't telling him he can get the heck out, that's the easy part. It's keeping him away from us. Proof is showing us now, and he's already calling not even a day's gone by. I will keep you all posted. Thank you!
Yasmari
That sounds like it was a good idea to get away. I think there is a way to block phone numbers so someone can't call you anymore.
I should have said that getting used to him being out of your life is the hard part for *me* and my relationship that just ended :) You definately sound ready to kick him to the curb and not let him back in, and that is great given the way he's treated you.
Good idea Yasmari!! I am glad you got out - you have to do that more often.
Can you find a way to screen your calls so you absolutely don't answer the phone. Don't even listen to his messages - just delete. He might go crazy at first but after enough time he will give up and leave you alone.
First has WONDERFUL advice of how you have to be good and strong for dd. She just made a very hard decision and is dealing with the consequences of that. It is hard to fill in the void but you can do it.
Hang in there!!
THIS MAN HAS LOST HIS MIND! So when i'm not being controlled by a loser man like him, i'm very straight forward, blunt and say what's on my mind. So today especially tonight, this man has called me over 10 11 times. Then on one of the messages, he's cussing me out telling me to call him. OH PLEASE! He didn't call me any names, but still! How can you want to be with someone and you are accusing them of cheating, and cussing them out on the voicemail. It just made me realize, he is such a complete loser. Mind you his ex-girlfriend is still in love with him....i'll let her have him!!! I saved the messages, and will let my family hear just in case of something. I planned on cutting off my house phone anyway, and just going strictly cell phone...so he won't know the number. I screen all my calls anyway, and it's just gotten old. The funny part is, since he doesn't have his own phone he's been calling me from his buddies' houses all over. I think on the safe side even though he's never touched me i'm going to the battered womans' taskforce here in town, i believe they do free restraining orders. Only they wouldn't be able to serve him anywhere. AAHHHH........I feel like i can breath now. It's funny i spent one of the first nights alone, and i had a great time with my dd being asleep staying up dancing in my house, and catching up on reading! I think i remember what this feels like!!!! I'll keep you posted.
Yasmari
Yasmari,
I hope that you will remember the post you wrote when you get lonely and think of calling him up or answering his call. Think long and hard about what and who you would be allowing not only back into YOUR life, but your DD's life. Keep that fresh in your mind, all the disappointment, sadness, abused and being used feelings when he's knocking at your door for a place to crash because no one else will have him.
Do not answer your phone for a little while, let the machine pick up- you can call people back. Do not listen to his messages, press delete right away so you don't get sucked in by the lies he will say. Get out and do stuff with your friends and family- keep yourself busy so you won't feel lonely or needy. If he shows up at your door, tell him you're sorry, you were just about on your way out, no he can't come in and no he can't join you. If he wants a ride somewhere, tell him the number for a taxi service- offer to call one for him.
Whatever you do, think about the impact on your daughter. Dragging her out of bed in the middle of the night? NO WAY should you be doing that unless the house was on fire!! Kids need stability, routine and to know they can rely on someone close to them. Throwing them into a chaotic mess is unfair, as they do not get a say- remember who has to speak on their behalf- their parents, and in this case, YOU!
You want to show her a healthy, stable home environment. You want her to see healthy relationships with all people, whether family, friends or a partner. You want her to know that you do NOT put up with people treating you with disrespect. But you cannot just TELL her these things, you have to SHOW her these things. Think about what you would be telling HER for advice if she was going through what you are going through right now.
Remember, we are here for you if you need to talk, or vent. Some of us have been where you are, and we understand the turmoil you're going through.
Alison
See, now he's going to cuss you out because you're not giving in and calling him back. He's going to try to get you riled up so you'll call him, and then if you did, he would turn it around on you as to why he did. He's going to get a lot worse before he comes to term with the fact that you will not give in, nor will you go back/ take him back, nor will you allow yourself to be controlled by him any longer.
I have no doubt that soon he will show up on your doorstep wanting to talk. I would keep all your doors and windows locked for the timebeing. Do not let him in, better yet, do not answer the door if he shows up, pretend you're not home. If you get home and he's waiting for you, turn around and go somewhere else. If he gets threatening in his messages, or if he shows up and is threatening DO NOT HESISTATE to call the police. If you're not comfortable being home alone, do call a friend to come and stay with you for a little while.
Do not give in to his demands to talk- he only wants you to get back to the way you two were so he can use you again. He will not change or grow up, and if he did? Too bad! You gave him enough time when you two were together to show you what he may be promising, and he didn't deliver at any time then, did he?
Ignore him completely, ANY acknowledgement from you will be a sign to him that he can "win you back" or that you "still love" him. I realized this with my ex, and stopped talking to him for a long time- even though we have a son together. Even now, I monitor how I talk to him, because he'll just think, "oh, she's chatting with me, maybe we still have a chance".
Stay strong and enjoy your freedom!
Alison
Alison gives GREAT advice. This makes me want to tell you to go and stay somewhere else until this blows over - if you can!!
Good luck and keep us posted - we do care about you!
Pages