Nervous

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Nervous
19
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:19pm

Shane's XW's twin is in labor right now. Now ordinarlily that would not be of any concern to me EXCEPT these are not normal circumstances.

Shane's XW's twin is married to Shane's first cousin. (that was a mouthful of confusion for ya!)

Anyway, the twin will be in town today obviously for her sister and Shane will be going to the hospital for sure to visit. As will I. I am nervous because his XW left him and for a long time after, he was suicidal and very down. They made several attempts at reconciliation. She is now remarried with a child. I know she is not threat as far as wanting HIM, but I feel like he still loves HER. In fact, I KNOW he does. I can feel it. I am afraid he will look at her how he used to look at me and I want to be there to see his reactions to her, but I know he will not tell me when he's going just for that reason. I have never expected them to cross paths again, but today they will and since we are no longer together (at least for now) then...well....I want to cry.

I wish she'd disappear.

~M~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 2:39pm
I think you are putting yourself in a tizzy over the wrong thing. I dont think you should go. I think you should really think about the problems at hand. See a lawyer. Think of yourself and what he is doing/not doing - what has to be done for you. This is just more drama to sidetrack you. Just my honest opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 3:08pm

I know I shouldn't be bothered by it and let it go. Plus he's already told me that he's over her and that I am the love of his life. I believe it, BUT he hasn't seen her in a few years and I wonder if there will be fireworks on his part when he sees her.

Anyway, the family still considers me a part of the family and is rooting for us to be together. I feel obligated to go see them. Plus the twin having the baby was in the delivery room with me...she was my nurse. And we're friends. It would be wrong of me not to show up and support her having the baby.

I know deep down he's not in love with his X anymore, but I wish I didn't have to deal with this situation. Plus her knowing we are split since her sister is in the family still.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 1:23am
I have to agree that your priorities are way off. If you're no longer together, why on earth would you go to the delivery of your estranged husband's ex's twin sister? Seriously, won't it look like you are desperately hanging around, hoping to be included as part of the family still? No one in his family can change his mind or make him treat you better. Whether or not the pregnant twin was your nurse is so irrelevant and sounds like rationalizing a way to be there. And why would you care if he still loves his ex? It's not your concern anymore, and even if it were, please have enough pride to stay at home instead of showing up, looking as if you're there to keep an eye on your husband and his ex. If I were you, I would not show up even if he were begging me to take him back (and that doesn't sound like it's the case here). You should definitely see a lawyer -- that will hopefully restore your focus to taking care of yourself and your children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 9:19am

Well, I did go and I was glad I did. SHane was not there...he went on his lunch break. I met his ex and she was wonderful. Hugged me immediately. I went because the twin is my friend. Has been since we met and the family is supportive of us being together again so they wanted me there. They were all very happy I came. The ex's parents were there and they absolutely adore me and said they were praying that Shane and I could work out our marriage. They even told me they sat down and spoke to him about this. His ex did too. She encouraged me not to give up and that she told Shane the same thing. Shane stopped by my house after 10 last night and we talked for about 30 minutes alone. I know it seems pathetic to those who do not know us, but those who do are very understanding about this situation.

I don't feel at all like I did the wrong thing by going there. L would have been hurt had I not stopped by. I was invited to her showers. I did not attend but only because I had to work and the other was on my son's birthday. Why would I alientate her just because my DH and I are separated? My ex husband's mother and I are great friends and took a trip together with her other ex DIL. I know...weird. But I don't see why I cannot be close with exIL's just because my marriage did not work. My current MIL said that no matter what, I am her daughter and she loves me. She has a different feeling about Shane's ex because she left him. She had her reasons and they were justified, but because I am standing by him and supporting his need for a break, she knows I love her son. And I do. I can't help that. He loves me too. He tells me. I believe that. We had a long talk about the whole XW thing and he sayd I am totally wrong about that and he is not in love with her. He says yes he does love her, but in a way that he would always have a place in his heart for her because they were friends and then lovers for a long time. I still have a place in heart for my ex as well as other people and I love them, but not in any way but friends. So I understand that.

Maybe I am wrong to stand by Shane. Maybe I'm pitiful, but he has not called off our marriage altogether. Couples separate all time time. They move out, they move back in. I don't know what the future holds but he has told me he ws taking time out and I will take it as just that...time out. We are not seeing others, we are not doing anything but living our lives. I want to be with him again. And hopefully I will.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:28am

Mel,


I know that you've been to the hospital already, but I just wanted to say...


I agree with Judy that you put yourself in a tizzy over the wrong thing here.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 11:05am

I'm glad you agreed with me going to see her. It was the right thng to do. I honestly did NOT go to hear about my marriage or to feed off of the encouragement. I didn't think anyone would bring it up. Being as though a baby was being born, I figured that was the focus, not me. Not Shane. Anyway, when they told me they were praying for us, I simply thanked them for the prayers and went home. I was there maybe 10 minutes. I hugged his ex when I met her the first time. She was very sweet. The conversation was not drawn out at all. They are very spiritual people who believe deeply in the blessing of God and they wanted to provide me witht he knowledge that they cared. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, Shane is being selfish right now and maybe he deserves to be that way right now because he is hurt by my constant accusations of infidelity. I too am hurt by things he's said and done and I know I have been selfish in parts of our marriage. It takes two to ruin things. I no longer believe he is in love with her. He told me last night when he stopped by that she begged him to reconsider his position with me and to please go home and make this marriage work. He knows she is not going to come back to him even if he wanted her to and he knows she is happy and that's all he wants...her to be happy. He wants that for me too and for himself. He said maybe it is possible to be happy together again but for now, he needs time to decide that and that I need to take this time as well to reflect. So we are. He said he still loves me very much. He said he always will.

I have grown to accept that we may not get back what we had, but I am hopeful. I can only believe that everything happens for a reason and if we are meant to be, we will. I say prayers each day and I use the Serenity Prayer as my base. I want to be able to know the difference between what I can change and what I cannot. And here it is...
I can NOT change him. I can NOT change his actions, BUT I CAN change how I act and what I SAY. And that will begin to change how he feels about me which could possible lead to reconciling. But my true goal is to change for ME. All others stuff follows and fits into place after I do for ME.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 11:17am
Well whatever works for you, but I don't advise putting your life on hold while you wait for your husband to decide whether or not he wants to be with you. One doesn't "take a break" from being married. Also, it really does sound like you expect his family to make him come back to you. Even if his mother did "sit him down" and talk to him, I highly doubt it will change his mind, and really, is that the way you want your husband to come back to you? Because his mother told him to? Do you think if he does come back, it will last? So I would set a time frame in my head (no more than 1-2 months) and then prepare to divorce if that time elapsed and he was still "taking a break." And no matter what, you need to get your ducks in a row now, see an attorney, start making plans. "Whoever files first wins" is the general rule in divorce, and for all you know, he's stalling until he can afford for his lawyer to file the papers. Please don't get caught up in family events that really have nothing to do with you and lose sight of the bigger picture.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 11:34am

Well I AM glad that you went to see the baby- I do agree that you should stay in contact with them, even if you divorce- only if they were that close to you and you don't feel awkward about it.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 12:12pm

Once again, sorry you disagree that I should be anywhere near his family. No I do not expect his family to convince him to come back. No I do not want that to be ther reason. And we are not taking a break from "being married". We are still very much married and respectful of the vows we took. Neither of us is seeing others. He is just living in a dumpy little efficiency apartment. So? He is taking a break from ME, not the marriage. We still spend time together in the evening, we still talk, he is very much seeing the kids and I have spoken to a lawyer. I am prepared to file once I am sick of waiting. I have seen close friends of mine separate up to a year and get back together and they are still and very happy. They lived in different states too. SO what makes me think we cannot do the same? Why can't I hope for it? Why does that make me pathetic? Shane and I are the only ones who know what is best for us and if I want to still be close with his family I certainly will. It is my choice and I love those people, they have been good to me and they love me. Why is that wrong?

~M~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 12:21pm
You know what? That is exactly what I have begun to do and it feels good. He is the one who calls me. I call him if Emily or Dylan do something good. Emi is potty training so I do call him or text him if she "goes". I all if he missed a baseball game and Dylan hit a good one or got someone out. Those are important. And I call other people to share that too. I am truly moving about my own life and he is invited to stop by if he wants to come or do what he wants. I have plans to be with friends this weekend at home since I am broke. He is going to a work function for employee appreciation. He might stop by, he might not. He will definitely call...he does every day. But other than that, I am letting him have his time and I swore to him last night that I have made my last accusatory comment. Not only because I am sorry for that, but because it is not healthy for either of us and I want that crap to be done. I am going to filter my mouth before I let stupid stuff fly out of it. And when that happens enough and he sees it, he will begin to trust that I mean it and things can only get better for us no matter what we decide to do with the marriage.

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