Nervous breakdown, finally hit me hard!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Nervous breakdown, finally hit me hard!
19
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 5:31pm
Alright ladies, it's finally hit me. Not only am I numb, I'm a freaking mess. I've been bawling uncontrollably for days. Everything is going wrong and it just won't stop! What's worse, is that I'm minding my own business and it's just absolutely coming from all sides. My emotions have made me lose most of my contacts, because I have this need to talk and everyone's freaking out on me. No one knows what to say or react, so of course they are all bailing. I'm feeling like this ultimate loser. I can't seem to hold anything together anymore and I can't seem to get the support I need. No one is giving me a freaking break! It's sooooooooooo not fair! What do I keep doing to deserve everything? I have one or two positive things, but then I get so piled over with negative things that I am not allowed to enjoy the things that have happened. The stress, responsibility and feeling like I'm imprisionment is just killing me from inside. Does anyone know what it feels like when your heart is just hurting? I mean from severe stress? My heart hurts, I can's seem to breathe and I can't even cry around my family because I don't want to upset anyone. I'm the only one their counting on and I don't know how to go about holding it together anymore. I keep telling myself I only have 6 more weeks to go and then I'll be on vacation, but I don't know if I'm even going to make it. I am seriously worried that I'm going to get stuck in a hospital or something because I can't keep it together anymore. I just keep telling myself I have to get through this because if I get hospitalized due to a nervous break down, I will not be able to bring my daughter back to the states. My X will say I am not stable. Yet he is NOOOOOOO help. He called me today and just terrorized me. He wanted to see Nina and I said no. When I did that he started getting very nasty and started talking some very strange stuff. I just hung up on him. My work is opening up a case against my Supervisor because she's been mobbing me. It's been going on for months, but now she's done it on black and white and it's gone to the Workers Union and Board. I just wanted a transfer to the states internally and I asked them to keep her out of it. They asked why and I said she's been trying to get rid of me for years (serious jealousy issues), but lately she's threatened me. I without knowing the impact of what I was doing, showed them the documents that she's been writing lately to me. Threatening to fire me on bogus accounts. Then they looked into my file and she was trying to sabatoge me in my Annual Reviews by stating I had neurological problems and needed therapy. I had mentioned to her years ago, when I thought she was a good person, that I had ADD, now she is slandering everywhere. BUT! It's in black and white, so this is suddenly opening a case. This is NOT what I need! I just want to get out of here, but it's out of my hands now. She has 4 other cases against her, but I am the only one that is evidence. GREAT! Why me?
Child Services came by yesterday to tell me that I still have to fight for soul custody for Nina, because my X husband decided to withdraw the papers AND then they said to me "Sorry, Ma'am but your file got slipped under the rug, so all documents that were processed a year ago is now invalid. We have to start over again."
Been racing my mom around hospitals and doctors. Now, it looks like she could have bone cancer, but out of her own selfishness and stubborness, she won't do me the favor and get tested. It's not positive and she would need to have blood taken, but now she's decided NO, she doesn't want to. Yet she is crying and whining and unbearable to live with. I asked her to please do this for me. That I need to know now because everything else is getting very hard to deal with, but at least I will know or not know if this is another thing to deal with. She is being manipulative and controlling, by now refusing.
I'm going mad! I'm absolutely going insane. I can't handle much more. I am shaking, I've lost 10 pounds, I smoke a pack of cigarrettes a day now since 2 weeks and I've been downing 4-5 glasses of wine the night just to sedate myself. This cannot be happening!
No one can approach me anymore. I cut off all rest of contacts. I've told everyone to leave me alone or I can't talk to them, because I know they don't know what to say. Others that do ask, bail the second they ask me. They are overwhelmed. How dear they be overwhelmed! What kind of people did I think were my friends. I am NOT asking for ANYONE to fix this. Only I can fix it all, but I just REALLY REALLY needed someone to say. Cat, you'll be ok, Cat, let me hug you, Cat, your doing everything just fine. Instead nothing. Nada, Nix!
I know you ladies always wish me well and feel for me, but I'm sorry, it's not really the same as having someone close to me and just let me cry. I don't want to offend anyone, but I hope you all understand that. I'm just a wreck and falling to pieces and I wish I had someone that would just let me get it all out of my system.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 5:55pm

Cat,

You are going to be ok. Everything will work out alright in the end.

I wish I really could give you a hug. What you are saying is true. A message boards friendship just isn't the same as having a person with you. I'm sorry that all of us can't be there for you in person instead of just in spirit. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:15pm

I only have a second but I agree... you are headed for a nervous breakdown. You have to find a way to reduce your stress. You can't change the things that are happening, but you can decide how it will effect you. I hope your mom does not have cancer, but if she isn't willing to be tested you can't make her. You can't stop the inquiry into your boss, that is out of your hands. You can't make child services do what you need, but you know what you have to do to start the paperwork over, it sucks but you just have to accept it. You need to take control of the things you have control over, and you need to let the other bs go. Cut down your smoking and stop drinking, those only increase your stress level, and they most certainly aren't going to help your custody or work situations.

This is from a book I'm reading "Power vs. Force"

"By taking responsibility for the consequences of his own perceptions, the observer can transcend the role of victim to an understanding that 'nothing out there has power over you.' It isn't life's events, but how one reacts to them and the attitude that one has about them, that determines whether such events have a positive or negative effect on one's life, whether they are experienced as opportunity or as stress.

"Psychological stress is the net effect of a condition that is being resisted... but the condition does not have any power in itself. Nothing has the power to 'create' stress. The loud music that raises the blood pressure of one person can be a source of delight to another. A divorce may be traumatic if it's unwanted, or a release into freedom if it's desired."

----

I have to run. Big ((((HUGS))) and I do wish I could give you one in person. I agree what you really need is someone there, in your life that cares for you and is willing to be your shoulder to cry on. I am sorry I can't help you with that. I do believe you are a very strong woman and you will make it through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:23pm

Cat, I wish I could do more than offer you my support long distance, but I will definitely keep you in my prayers.

You take care of yourself.

Jessie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:30pm
This is all bad news for you right now. I will keep you in my prayers. I know you are strong. Please try to take a deep breath and know that things always work out in the end. Go to bed early - don't smoke and drink - you just need a little sleep. Things always look better in the morning and there are usually answers then, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:35pm

Oh honey...

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))

I wish that could be in person, and then I'd get you to rest your head on my shoulder and cry and cry and cry until it's all out. And then I'd be crying along with you, cause I cannot watch someone cry and not get involved.

You're going through so much, and you will get through it- and you KNOW you will. Just right now it's dragging you down and you're having that lull before you get your wind back to fight it. But right now, maybe you have to encourage that lull a little more, cry into your pillow, whack your pillows on your bed and scream- whatever gets that frustration out so your body can physically heal and your mind can begin to find the answers.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

Alison

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Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:59pm

Oh Cat... I wish so much I could give you a hug and maybe do the dishes and make you a cup of tea




http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 3:48am

I woke up this morning and still crying. I've completely shut myself out from all people that I feel aren't being supportive or caring. They acted as if they were my friends, but because I choose not to laugh, make jokes and have got to get some of the stuff off my chest, they have left me to fend for myself. This keeps breaking my heart. Is everyone emotionally unavailable? Is it hard to be able to just listen nowadays? This theory that they have to fix something is driving me insane. Or to make me look like a psychotic or unstable or some other freak, because I have to get angry or cry or get frustrated. Does no one have a bad day anymore? I know I am always soooo supportive to those I love or care for, why can't that be the other way around? What kind of people are those that think on a one way street. "You need to be their for me, but I don't want to know about you."

Then I came to work this morning and read this post that WEST sent. Her answers are what made me realize, that I am emotionally stable. I wasn't at one point, but I am now. The one thing I know I am not at the moment is, "at peace with my life and those around me", first, because of all the stuff happening in my life and secondly, because they are trying to emotionally/mentally harm me. Or like I mentioned above "fair weather friends" who aren't their for me to just listen or supportive like you all are. Just listening to your warm wishes to me, makes me feel like I do have people that care. I knew that, but when you think you have a friend you can share stuff with, do fun stuff with, good times and bad times and then, realize it really isn't so it gets hard. At the moment that part of my life really brings me down; The lack of friends and support.

So, my comments to the following:

My definition of emotionally stable ---

You are emotionally stable when:
-You are at peace with your life and those around you. (already stated that above)

-You are able to see inconvenient/unpleasant events as temporary and something you CAN work through because you know they will have an eventual purpose or silver lining in your life. (I know what's happening is only temporary and that it will get better, but I am overwhelmed; I see this as two different things. Is it?)

-You get along with most people. (TOTALLY TRUE)

-You put people who do not support you or make you feel good on the back burner. (Yes, I do, but that is the part that really hurts, because it usually really comes at the wrong time.)

-You understand that other people get busy or have surprises or have their own issues and when they are short with you, disappoint you or ignore you, it is not you. You learn not to be defensive. (I don't see short or disappointed as a problem, but ignoring me, makes me think that I've done something wrong. I do expect someone to say, I have a few things going on that I have to do, so I don't have time, (or something along those lines.) Just give me a heads up. If you dont want to talk, fine, but at least give me the respect to tell me.)

-You are being all you can be - getting smarter, better, happier - all on your own. (yes)

-You can survive bouts of being alone and can go places alone. (yes)

-You realize you cannot be everything for everyone and you can SET BOUNDARIES. (I want to please EVERYONE, so that is still a bit hard, but I am working on that. Going to back to the States is a part of setting my boundaries. Saying: this is my life and it's time that I live my life.)

-You can be happy for someone when they have more than you and you don't get jealous or feel insecure. (DEFINITELY)

-You judge yourself for yourself, not compared to others. (For sometime I couldn't do this, but I have found to be more confident in me that I know I am a very good person.)

I do overreact sometimes and say things very irrational, emotional, but I wouldn't say it makes me unstable, it's just that I really feel hurt when someone hurts me, or I am just totally honest about something because I don't lie. Men have this knack for just being completely overwhelmed by my honesty to not chocolate coat anything, but to say, this is how I see it, this is how I feel, this is happening to me. This is me as a person, I am showing you who I really am. THEY TOTALLY FREAK. These men, know that when they get involved with me, I HAVE kids, I am single, I have my children 24/7. They all know this from the start. SO! When is it ever rosy? Not very often! Sticking around for months, as a pen pal or relationship and then just leaving, because I tell them something that is going wrong, is just way beyond my comprehension. What do they expect? Are they that naive? It's just hurtful. Which reminds me. I have stopped all email pen pal and letter contacts. NO more. I won't put up with putting so much energy, support and care into my letters and then, as soon as they are all back home and they ask or don't ask how I am, they don't like my answer. They feel overwhelmed with MY life, yet they aren't living it! I know I keep repeating myself, but it just makes no sense to me. It just makes me very sad and I don't need more saddness, so I have decided to call it quits with the pen pals, with the internet chats, with the long distance anything. Obviously, it just doesn't work and its one problem less.

I wanted to thank you all very very much for your positive post. It did help to just know you guys wanted to be with me. That's all I want. I wish I had more people around me that were as loving and caring as all of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 4:45am

Hey Catherine,

You sound much better in this post. Now you are ready to do battle and weather this storm.

I wish you had a special friend there now - but you do have all of us.

These people now are not always going to be in your life because you are moving here. Not all of our friends are always good friends - that is why I put down that you need to be able to discern that - to put them on the back burner when they are a one way street. Sounds like you just did that with the pen pals and others - good going.

Not everyone can stand to listen to heavy problems - very few can really - please don't take that personally. Sometimes you have to have a friend for each problem. I have one or two friends I can talk to about my divorce issues - the rest would never really be able to comprehend. And others can only be good for listening to issues I have had with my son's school. And others for just listening to the issues I have had with my sister. I never burden my parents with any issues because they are too old and I don't want to worry them or have them judge me - I realize they will never really know me now as I am as an adult. I want to enjoy the rest of the time I have with them and have them be there to help nuture my son.

I am not always at peace with those around me - there is an ebb and flow with this and I think that is natural - sometimes my ex is such a dodo he puts me over the edge. But I have worked hard at setting boundaries with him and only sticking to the issues at hand now - I don't dredge up material from the marriage. So we have headed in the course/direction of peace and it is okay for now. I am saying this because I don't want you to think I put that down to say you should always have everything perfect with everyone. But you should try to understand issues between you and resolve them over time. Sometimes this just means you have to accept someone for the way they are and not take their behavior personally.

You have to respect your mom's decision to not want the tests now - she is also alone and I am sure all of that frightens her. Maybe she will warm up to it and go in a bit. But you have you and your daughters to worry about so you have to let that go. Don't take it personally. I used to worry about my mom and her bad eating and heart problems until I had my son - now I don't because I just don't have the energy or time. Funny thing is that she is now much better on her own with all of it.

I had a thought/idea for you. I think you should write to Alex's father (the one who is a SEAL) and ask him for money for her for now - like a lump sum. Explain that you would welcome whatever he could send now to help you both be able to get out of trouble and to put towards moving to the states. Include a picture of her and something special she has produced in school. But don't get attached to that - if he sends it great and if he doesn't that is great, too - it is just worth a try. And you should always keep trying from time to time.

As for the men and your problems - don't think of that now because you don't have a man in your life now. Just think about getting your ship all back online. We will work on this later when you have one - you can post updates and we will all kick you in the butt not to blab so much and keep you straight, girl.

I think you just have to learn to trust yourself more and not feel that you have to have validation from everyone for everything.

Now, dry your eyes and start your day!! BIG HUGS and lotsa green tea for you this morning!!

I am glad my list helped you - and yes - although this is a big overwhelming storm, it is temporary and will all have a reason. You are going to be A-OKAY!! The suckie thing is that you don't have a choice!! :-)

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 9:12am

Thanks sweetie for kicking my butt. I have no energy for a man, but I have also realized the same goes for any male be it friend or pen pal or whatever. I can't even stand to hear their voices or get mails anymore. That is how turned off I've gotten within the last week. It's been draining my energy.

I tried the whole Scott with Alex thing several times. It doesn't work. I got the papers in on Monday so I will fill them out this weekend and make 5 copies and send one to my lawyer, one to goverment of germany, one to california, one to texas one and keep one. This way, I don't have to hear they never got it. LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 9:34am
I don't blame you for being turned off. It is good that you are being selfish - take care of yourself and put yourself first. Then everything will fall into place.

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