Nervous breakdown, finally hit me hard!
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Nervous breakdown, finally hit me hard!
| Tue, 03-15-2005 - 5:31pm |
Alright ladies, it's finally hit me. Not only am I numb, I'm a freaking mess. I've been bawling uncontrollably for days. Everything is going wrong and it just won't stop! What's worse, is that I'm minding my own business and it's just absolutely coming from all sides. My emotions have made me lose most of my contacts, because I have this need to talk and everyone's freaking out on me. No one knows what to say or react, so of course they are all bailing. I'm feeling like this ultimate loser. I can't seem to hold anything together anymore and I can't seem to get the support I need. No one is giving me a freaking break! It's sooooooooooo not fair! What do I keep doing to deserve everything? I have one or two positive things, but then I get so piled over with negative things that I am not allowed to enjoy the things that have happened. The stress, responsibility and feeling like I'm imprisionment is just killing me from inside. Does anyone know what it feels like when your heart is just hurting? I mean from severe stress? My heart hurts, I can's seem to breathe and I can't even cry around my family because I don't want to upset anyone. I'm the only one their counting on and I don't know how to go about holding it together anymore. I keep telling myself I only have 6 more weeks to go and then I'll be on vacation, but I don't know if I'm even going to make it. I am seriously worried that I'm going to get stuck in a hospital or something because I can't keep it together anymore. I just keep telling myself I have to get through this because if I get hospitalized due to a nervous break down, I will not be able to bring my daughter back to the states. My X will say I am not stable. Yet he is NOOOOOOO help. He called me today and just terrorized me. He wanted to see Nina and I said no. When I did that he started getting very nasty and started talking some very strange stuff. I just hung up on him. My work is opening up a case against my Supervisor because she's been mobbing me. It's been going on for months, but now she's done it on black and white and it's gone to the Workers Union and Board. I just wanted a transfer to the states internally and I asked them to keep her out of it. They asked why and I said she's been trying to get rid of me for years (serious jealousy issues), but lately she's threatened me. I without knowing the impact of what I was doing, showed them the documents that she's been writing lately to me. Threatening to fire me on bogus accounts. Then they looked into my file and she was trying to sabatoge me in my Annual Reviews by stating I had neurological problems and needed therapy. I had mentioned to her years ago, when I thought she was a good person, that I had ADD, now she is slandering everywhere. BUT! It's in black and white, so this is suddenly opening a case. This is NOT what I need! I just want to get out of here, but it's out of my hands now. She has 4 other cases against her, but I am the only one that is evidence. GREAT! Why me?
Child Services came by yesterday to tell me that I still have to fight for soul custody for Nina, because my X husband decided to withdraw the papers AND then they said to me "Sorry, Ma'am but your file got slipped under the rug, so all documents that were processed a year ago is now invalid. We have to start over again."
Been racing my mom around hospitals and doctors. Now, it looks like she could have bone cancer, but out of her own selfishness and stubborness, she won't do me the favor and get tested. It's not positive and she would need to have blood taken, but now she's decided NO, she doesn't want to. Yet she is crying and whining and unbearable to live with. I asked her to please do this for me. That I need to know now because everything else is getting very hard to deal with, but at least I will know or not know if this is another thing to deal with. She is being manipulative and controlling, by now refusing.
I'm going mad! I'm absolutely going insane. I can't handle much more. I am shaking, I've lost 10 pounds, I smoke a pack of cigarrettes a day now since 2 weeks and I've been downing 4-5 glasses of wine the night just to sedate myself. This cannot be happening!
No one can approach me anymore. I cut off all rest of contacts. I've told everyone to leave me alone or I can't talk to them, because I know they don't know what to say. Others that do ask, bail the second they ask me. They are overwhelmed. How dear they be overwhelmed! What kind of people did I think were my friends. I am NOT asking for ANYONE to fix this. Only I can fix it all, but I just REALLY REALLY needed someone to say. Cat, you'll be ok, Cat, let me hug you, Cat, your doing everything just fine. Instead nothing. Nada, Nix!
I know you ladies always wish me well and feel for me, but I'm sorry, it's not really the same as having someone close to me and just let me cry. I don't want to offend anyone, but I hope you all understand that. I'm just a wreck and falling to pieces and I wish I had someone that would just let me get it all out of my system.
Child Services came by yesterday to tell me that I still have to fight for soul custody for Nina, because my X husband decided to withdraw the papers AND then they said to me "Sorry, Ma'am but your file got slipped under the rug, so all documents that were processed a year ago is now invalid. We have to start over again."
Been racing my mom around hospitals and doctors. Now, it looks like she could have bone cancer, but out of her own selfishness and stubborness, she won't do me the favor and get tested. It's not positive and she would need to have blood taken, but now she's decided NO, she doesn't want to. Yet she is crying and whining and unbearable to live with. I asked her to please do this for me. That I need to know now because everything else is getting very hard to deal with, but at least I will know or not know if this is another thing to deal with. She is being manipulative and controlling, by now refusing.
I'm going mad! I'm absolutely going insane. I can't handle much more. I am shaking, I've lost 10 pounds, I smoke a pack of cigarrettes a day now since 2 weeks and I've been downing 4-5 glasses of wine the night just to sedate myself. This cannot be happening!
No one can approach me anymore. I cut off all rest of contacts. I've told everyone to leave me alone or I can't talk to them, because I know they don't know what to say. Others that do ask, bail the second they ask me. They are overwhelmed. How dear they be overwhelmed! What kind of people did I think were my friends. I am NOT asking for ANYONE to fix this. Only I can fix it all, but I just REALLY REALLY needed someone to say. Cat, you'll be ok, Cat, let me hug you, Cat, your doing everything just fine. Instead nothing. Nada, Nix!
I know you ladies always wish me well and feel for me, but I'm sorry, it's not really the same as having someone close to me and just let me cry. I don't want to offend anyone, but I hope you all understand that. I'm just a wreck and falling to pieces and I wish I had someone that would just let me get it all out of my system.

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This is from a book I'm reading "Power vs. Force"
"By taking responsibility for the consequences of his own perceptions, the observer can transcend the role of victim to an understanding that 'nothing out there has power over you.' It isn't life's events, but how one reacts to them and the attitude that one has about them, that determines whether such events have a positive or negative effect on one's life, whether they are experienced as opportunity or as stress.
This is EXCELLENT advice from Firstamendment, Cat. I am sorry you are struggling with all of this, but if you continue to be a victim, you'll continue to go downhill and never be an "overcomer". The world isn't "out to get you" Cat, but sometimes, it just plain old sucks. It does. I know.
Please get to a Dr. and see what can be done to help you in the here and now, and over the long term, that book that First recommended sounds like a very good beginning for you to get on a very different life track. I am also reading (very slowly) a book called "Choice Therapy" that is along those same lines.
Only you can make things different Catherine. We can't expect different outcomes when we continue to do the same things.
Hug hug hug. Please get to a Dr asap and in the meantime, I hope you get a HUGE physical hug and comfort from someone in real life, and soon!
I was hoping my advice was not too harsh. When I read those paragraphs it was one of those "Ah-ha!" moments. Stress is something we do to ourselves. It made so much sense, and I already knew that I had control over how much stress I felt but I never heard it put that way before. It was a freeing feeling, because it validates that I do have control over it.
Even though it makes sense, it can be a very hard thing to implement. It takes work (just like everything good) but it can be well worth it.
"Only you can make things different Catherine. We can't expect different outcomes when we continue to do the same things."
That is so true, Becky. I have read that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.
First's book sounds very good - I am going to check it out.
Though I agree to everyone's post about control and not control of things, I do think that somethings, like ya'll stated are just out of control, so I am the victim, like it or not. Like the custody battle. I can scream kick fight and do whatever, but this country has it's own rules and women have nothing to say about it. My X can be as much as a loser as he wants to be and still get to see his daughter on a drop of a hat. I know what I have to do, it's getting to the point I want with all these obstacles that are out of my control that frustrates me. These things harm me, because they harm my daughter who is also a victim of his behaviour.
I keep fighting everything and it get's tiring, because I am constantly being hindered by laws and people (like in my job, I am taking my supervisor to the board for writing in my annual review (which is available for everyone to see on a database) that she thinks I have neurological problems and need therapy, she's done this to 14 other people within the year to get them out, but I am the only one with proof in my hand, the others got it only verbally. But my proof has got the ball rolling. I just want to get out here, so I am trying to transfer from here to texas with my company, but have to get that out of the records, because that's the first thing they'll check), that doesn't allow me to move forward. Therefore, I can get out of being in this victim situation, but it's not all that simple when you have people that purposefully want to harm you. I made the decision to leave, I will leave, but I have to be able to organize myself accordingly like getting a job. I am fighting the custody (harry) and childsupport issues (scott). I know what I can and cannot control. I can control keeping people at bay that aren't my friends or not supportive. I can control other people in my life that want to control my life, like my mother. Or watching out that I don't wreck my car again by looking for boulders before I pull out of the parking lot. LOL But when you are fighting everything it does get very nerve wracking. I truly think in my heart and soul that my move to the states, might not always be super peachy, but it'll be a huge leap of independence/freedom from people like my X, my mom and my job here to start new and go into a new direction that I need. I am very optimistic about it, I just hate how everyone is trying to keep me from moving into my life for their own selfish or vindictive reasons.
Yeah know? ;-)
Anyhow, I would love to read that book. When I get to the states for my vacation, I think I have loads of books that I need to get my hands on. I've made a list, but will have to ask you all again the books that you all thought were the best again; for this and that.
I don't think it's easily done, but it is a matter of perspective. Take the child custody issue. You said:
>>>I can scream kick fight and do whatever, but this country has it's own rules and women have nothing to say about it. My X can be as much as a loser as he wants to be and still get to see his daughter on a drop of a hat. I know what I have to do, it's getting to the point I want with all these obstacles that are out of my control that frustrates me.<<<
Kicking, screaming and being frustrated isn't making the situation go away, so just stop. Just don't be upset. Just let it go, roll off your back. You said you know what you have to do, so do those things and go about your business not letting them or the system get to you. Once you figure out "how" to do it, it really is just that easy. Figuring out "how" just takes some work, patience and persistance.
The job situation is the same thing. You know what your goal is - to transfer. You know what you have to do - get the records changed. You have a plan that will get that to happen - the investigation into your supervisor. That process will go forward, you will be a part of it, and hopefully at the end you will get the desired result. If you don't, you will deal with that when the time comes. It's out of your hands, so don't let it frustrate you.
I'm not saying doing this will make life easier, or moving easier. It won't. I'm saying you need to do this so you don't have a nervous breakdown and so you don't need to drink so much at night, so that all these negative things in your life do not affect your health and your emotional state so much.
>>>But when you are fighting everything it does get very nerve wracking.<<<
That is exactly what the book was saying, it's the resistance that is causing stress, not the event/person you are dealing with. So don't fight against everything. Let it all take you down the path it's going - the investigation at work, the lack of child support, the custody battle, the moving plans, your mother's refusal to get tested - all these things are taking you places you don't want to go but you don't have a choice - so just go along with it and don't fight it. Make the best decisions you can on the path you are on, but don't scream and yell how much you wish you were not on that path becuase it doesn't help anything. And when you see an opportunity in the (hopefully near) future to get on a new path, you'll be ready to jump.
And lots of (((((HUGS))))) again because I know some of this is just that you need to be able to vent and you really need a real life hug.
Edited 3/17/2005 11:40 am ET ET by firstamendment
If you could get your job to transfer you to Texas that would be perfect!! Fight hard for that one and keep us posted.
Your story of hitting the boulder reminded me of my $1800 car wash right around the time of my divorce. It was late at night and I was out getting gas and groceries. I decided to run through the car wash real fast. I pulled up to the entrance and the light said to back up and try again. At the same time my son started screaming he didn't want to go in. But I had already paid and was determined to drive in. But the light kept saying back up.
So I backed way up - and I scraped against a cement post. It was low so you couldn't see it. And it scraped the front quarter panel, the door and the rear door.
Damages: $1800.00
Car wash: none that evening!
Aggravation factor: priceless
I just think we all go through these very frustrating times when everything seems against us. Being single moms make us so much more vulnerable because we have the pain and nonsense of ex's and we have the responsiblity of children and the scariness of our future - both emotional and financial.
I really do wish you everything that you need and then some to get through this. Stay in touch - you make me worry when you disappear for days, Cat!!
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