Nervous

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Nervous
19
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:19pm

Shane's XW's twin is in labor right now. Now ordinarlily that would not be of any concern to me EXCEPT these are not normal circumstances.

Shane's XW's twin is married to Shane's first cousin. (that was a mouthful of confusion for ya!)

Anyway, the twin will be in town today obviously for her sister and Shane will be going to the hospital for sure to visit. As will I. I am nervous because his XW left him and for a long time after, he was suicidal and very down. They made several attempts at reconciliation. She is now remarried with a child. I know she is not threat as far as wanting HIM, but I feel like he still loves HER. In fact, I KNOW he does. I can feel it. I am afraid he will look at her how he used to look at me and I want to be there to see his reactions to her, but I know he will not tell me when he's going just for that reason. I have never expected them to cross paths again, but today they will and since we are no longer together (at least for now) then...well....I want to cry.

I wish she'd disappear.

~M~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 2:31am

Lissa - you have mentioned your accussations of infidelity driving him away, a few times now - WAS he unfaithful? Ever?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:12am

"WAS he unfaithful? Ever? I am curious"

No, he was never unfaithful. Not to my knowledge. I mean it isn't as if he couldn't do anything but as far as I am aware, no, he has been faithful all along and my insecurity from my X made me accuse him since I never allowed myself to deal with that before entering into this marriage.

"& i wouldnt have gone, if I were you. When was the last time you saw this women who gave birth? Or spent any time with her?"

Recently, actually. She and her DH heard about the split and immediately came over to support ME. Her DH is Shane's cousin. He wanted to talk to Shane since they, themselves, have had marital problems (he cheated) and he thought he could get thru to Shane about things by reminding him of what they went thru and made it. I have spent time with her since too. We talk often.

"thats all just TOO MUCH. What is he even doing discussing YOUR marriage, with this woman??? & Im sorry, its just bizzare to me that everyone is so supporitive & praying & giving their opinion. He is a grown man & will do was he pleases - obviously."

He did not bring it up. She did. His ex is the identical twin of the woman giving birth, remember? She knows things. They are tight. She cares about Shane...they were good friends first. No, they do not speak now, but only out of respect for their spouses. We shared the news of Emi's birth with her, he helped her find a good car because she knew he could find what she needed and she trusted him to get her a good deal since he's in the biz. All of that is fine with me. She did not talk to her about it. He just thanked her for her concern but told everyone he will be the one to decide what he wants. I too told everyone thanks for the prayers and to keep praying and that we'd be fine. She approached me to say she tried to get thru to him. I just told her that he needed time and that her prayers were appreciated, we hugged and I left.

I guess I just don't see a problem with all of it. I mean his family loves me and sees me as being good for him. They know our marriage could last and have seen us happy. His aunt and uncle who hav been married 40 years see it. And I trust them. They feel like Shane is being foolish, but they know he is dealing with things his own way and we all just have to step back and respect his wishes to be left alone right now. The sooner everyone does that, the better it will be for us. Shane told me the other night that he was giving us a chance. That was HUGE. I am no longer nervous about the XW. I could care less about all of that now. She is not going to have him back...she doesn't want to anyway. And he does love her but he always will. She was a huge part of his life and I have to accept his feelings. I still have love for my XH too. I was with him for a long time. I am and will be close with his family. I am close to my XH's family too. It's not weird. Not for me. Not for them. I have children with these men, their families want conctact with the kids. They need to go thru me for that in some cases. The visit to the hospital was not weird. Neither time. I went twice. Once while she was still in labor, and the next day to see the baby. I did not have money for flowers. And that to me is impersonal. I care deeply for them. And being there to share their happiness for a baby who is my children's cousin is wonderful and it is big and adult of me to go. Avoiding it would to me, seem childish and petty. And I am neither of those.

I understand how you feel and that is fine, but I have to do it my way. And if I decide I am tired of waiting for him to figure out his life, I will make that call and tell them my decision. This will not change how I feel about them, nor will it change the fact that I may travel to visit some of them to let them know I care or have them in my home. I am just not that way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:48am

I agree wholeheartedly with this post. I'm still very close to my ex inlaws, but that's only because I'm close to them as the mother of their grandchildren, not as their son's ex wife.

In fact, I'm heading out today to spend time with them all, but they don't ask nor tell me anything about him, and I don't want to hear it. They love me, but he's their son. I don't ever forget that- and would NEVER divulge information about our relationship to them.

Luckily, my ex is completely (and I do mean completely) out of our lives- the princess is six and I haven't heard from him- at all- in the last 5 years. Before she turned one, it was months between communication, so this works for me.

If I was having a battle with my ex, his family would be the last place I'd go- not because they wouldn't be supportive, but because it's none of their business and no matter how hard they tried or agreed with me, in the end, he'd still be family.

Moody, maintaining a balance


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 10:24am
Just letting everyone know that I no longer go to them for that support and they offer it to me on their own. They tell me they are praying for us. Great. I thank them, hug them and leave. Or I change the subject on the phone if that is the case. AL lI say is that Shane needs to deal with things his way and he's a big boy and will find his way. I mean really, that is the truth, he cannot be forced. I have accepted that. But I will make the call when I am tired of it. And that day is coming.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 10:11pm

Oooh! I just saw this post, sorry. I posted to you a couple hours ago asking about the unfaithfullness & didnt see you had written here. Sorry!


I didnt realize you had recently been in touch with the woman giving birth.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 1:50am

What do you consider more revealing; what someone says or what he does?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:06am

Excellent post Soonee!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:26am

"i see SO SO SO many new moms having given birth, & people just come out of the WOODWORK to visit. It aggravates us to no end."

OOOH, I hate that too. I mean we just give birth and then all of a sudden people just come and then linger all freakin day. UGH! After I had Emi, my MIL stayed at the hospital until after 10PM. I had her at 445. Shane had even left before that to take my son home to get him into bed. IMO, MIL should have taken Dylan to my house to get him into bed and let Shane stay a little longer, but she just sat there staring at the baby. I was so tired and Emi was asleep and I could have napped. But lo and behold as soon as MIL decided to go, Emi woke with a vengeance and mommy never slept. Guests have no idea how annoying they can be. I told Shane that I wanted NO ONE to follow me home from the hospital and no one at my house when I got there. MIL was supposed to be at my house all day cleaning and getting it ready for us to arrive and had til 445 to get that done since I could not leave til then. Well, I get home and she has yet to start anything and starts running around like a banshee when I got there when all I wanted was to sleep for 1 hour.

Yes, the power of new motherhood gets people all stupid. LOL!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:42am

Actually, I am just trying to explain my point in a post when the point is so drawn out and hard to explain. I am very relaxed, actually. I don't mess with Shane. I leave him to his work and whatever. I don't ask questions and just let him come to me. Dating others is out of the question. Neither of us is willing to go that far. Yes, he has gone thru some expense to be away from me, but it's not so much "to be away from me" it's more that he needs time to figure out his problems and fix them. We've talked a lot lately. Am I sick of this arrangement? You bet I am! Do I tell him? You bet I do! But in reality, what can I do other than file for divorce, which is not something I am ready to do. I cannot force him to move back until HE is ready. I cannot force him to do anything, nor can he force me. I chose to go to counseling because it was MY choice. I take antidepressants because I knew it was right. And I have been on them a while. What I do each day is get up, get dressed, get lunches ready, get the kids up, dressed and out the door and go to work, pick them up after some "me" time, do my homework, fix dinner, eat, and get ready to have down time. I have friends who drop by, go out for girl's nights, I am about to have two girl's weekends in a row in June and then my best friend comes in from Washington State for 2 weeks and you bet I'll be seeing her a lot. I don't make time for Shane. Sunday, I drove an hour to my parent's house with the kids and did not bother to call him to tell him I was going and it was my dad's birthday. I wanted badly to invite him, but I didn't.

Honestly, I have accepted the issue here and as bad as I'd like to have us back together, I am not going to bend over for him and be submissive and pathetic. And he doesn't want that. He wants to see that confident woman he fell for. I am on my way each day to being her.

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