Never snoop unless you are prepared for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Never snoop unless you are prepared for
23
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:15pm

what you may find.


I could kick myself. It was a momentary lapse in ... well, everything I want to be! (honest, adult, not sneaky) ... & when Carlos was in the shower this morning at my house, I looked at his text messages. Pure & simple, I snooped. & I didnt like what I found.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:54pm

I would seriously dump him and move on. Just because he has seen the best of you and already has the intimacy and is not biting the bait and now you are hurt and rightfully so. I am glad you snooped. I think you did very good on that one.

The thing is that you were dating because you are looking for someone to have exclusivity and go down the exploratory path for marriage and another child. You cannot ask him for that - he has to pony it up. And he is still looking. And it is true you are both in agreement on that - but it would make me feel like a doormat.

I really believe we have to cut our losses and move on as soon as we can. Because life is so short and who needs this crapola?

You are super pretty, a great mom, an accomplished nurse and you have great stories and a great heart. I want you to find someone who sees this and doesn't waffle.

But as you know I respect whatever you decide.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 2:23pm

It does sound like he is trying to tell you that you CANNOT expect anything to come of this. I'm sad for you dear. Since you KNOW that you need more from him, I agree that it may be time to let the bird go free as they say and he'll come back if it's meant to be.

M2M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 2:36pm
The other thing I wanted to add - is that it comes down to replace or be replaced. And we all know how the latter feels. I feel that his conversation/comments, coupled with his paranoia about how you felt at the end and the recent text messages are just strong writing on the wall.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:08pm

I agree with what the others posted, especially what West said about leaving is better than being left. I would quit him cold turkey if you can stomach up the courage to do that.

Sorry. I know you're so sick of hearing about the one commitmentphobe that I dated, but the similarities are striking. About the time when I began developing some deeper feelings for that eternal bachelor, he started saying things like he was not giving me what I needed. That he was not treating me the way he should. It was bizarre. Also, he was getting some phone calls from other women. I know he wasn't sleeping with anyone else while he was seeing me, but he was looking for another port in the storm before our thing fizzled out completely. These guys can only tolerate a woman when the relationship is new. If true intimacy begins, they bail and move on.

You will not feel so much anguish with another man. You are so wonderful, beautiful, and smart. You will not be alone for long if you ditch Carlos. Also, while you're still seeing him, it will be difficult for you to get close to another man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:23pm

(((((((R)))))))) how confusing...

I totally understand why you'd tell him nothing when he was leaving and sensed that something was bothering you. Man... he has a fine-tuned radar to your emotions, it seems, huh? But I can understand why you'd not start what might be a huge long conversation when he was just about to step out the door. And I know you wouldn't want to have to tell him that you snooped at his texts. I'm not sure how you'd get around that part aside from simply coming right out and telling him you snooped- but for sure I think you guys need to TALK about your relationship.

When he comes up with the "I disappoint you" type of statements again, don't let that opportunity slip by next time! Grab onto that and get your cards out on the table. And make him get his out, too. Make him decide something, or at least promise that he will give it some serious thought. Because, as you said- each time you have another great date together, you find yourself falling more for him. And from those statements, and the fact that he just had a date with someone else (possibly someone new, too)- that says that he is not headed for the "falling in love" direction as you are.

But were there any other texts after that date that made it seem like they've been talking since? Who knows- if the texts stopped that same night- he might've had a "dud date" just like yours was!

We're all guessing at his intentions here- and from what we've read (in this post and the ones in the past)- I think he is finding his commitmentphobe energy rising as he is finding himself liking you "too much"... and so he is out seeking new dates. But whether he likes any of the new dates as much as you- not likely (IMO- because I know how great you are!)... but if he is dating others and not finding anyone to shift his attentions to- then that might make him even more scared about YOU and how he feels about you. If his commitmentphobe tendencies are THAT strong.

I think it's time to really tread cautiously here- if you find your emotions are getting attached- because he doesn't seem to be getting attached. Or if he is, he might be trying to find a way out because it scares him too much. Either way- he is leaving eventually. He really does need to either get past his fear of commitment, or let you go. Not that easy either way, I know. It just looks like he might leave because he found someone new (and anonymously 'safe') to move on with (who he will leave later once they get "too close), or he will leave because he is just flat-out too scared and can't stay. So tread cautiously and try not to let your emotions get too attached any more than they already are.

Just find a time to sit down with him and go over it all again. Let him know that while you are not wanting to rush off into any marriage or anything right now- you DO want that in "x-y years" (whatever your time frame might be) and see if he can agree to it. You want him to be able to say he is willing to shoot for that, or if he can't. I know no one can predict the future and how things WILL work out, but for right now, you guys either need to be on the same page and start moving in the same direction, or you need to go your own way. If he just makes the same old statements he did the LAST time you had any big talk... then it's probably a good sign that he won't be committing to anything even though things have continued to develop between you and have continued to stay good.

You could try bringing up your last "dud date" and the insane things he did, like not even buying a meal!!- and see what he says. Bring it up not as something to rub him into- but just as a funny story. And see if he admits to having a date just this week, too.

Just do what you can to get the air cleared out and get both of you honest about what you want, what you're doing, and what you want to have happen. It seems like you've been talking together well, but as more dates has happened, and more family events have happened... have you gone back to talk the big relationship talk again? Maybe it's just time to talk again.

I've always liked Carlos and how he treats you... but man... this sucks! Sounds like he knows VERY well how to romance a woman, how to treat a woman, how to charm... but maybe he IS just the commitmentphobe that even HE claims to be- and nobody can get him past that but himself. He would have to trust HIMSELF enough that he could try it- and know that even if he failed (got married but later got divorced again)- it's not the end of the world. He's just going to have to decide if he's willing to face that possible failure or just be alone the rest of his life. And it's SOOO not up to YOU to fix him of that fear.

Hugs to you, R!! This must be driving you nuts!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:57pm

R, I haven't read ahead, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

You played, and now you paid. That's often what happens. But you must have had a subconscious reason to snoop, or you wouldn't have even been tempted. Now that you know what you know- and you know how you're reacting, what are you going to do about it?

Ask Carlos if he ever sees this going somewhere? Tell him you snooped? get over your guilt and simply keep on keepin' on? Ask for exclusivity? Break off all of it?

There are a lot of things you could do, including nothing at all. I'm not offering one option as better than the rest- this is your life, and your relationship.

I am going to say that this may be the catalyst you need to do SOMETHING, anything- not because you snooped, not even because of what you found, but because of the way it's making you feel. While logically you know that turnabout is fair play, being confronted with the evidence of it isn't making you feel very good. What will do you with these feelings?

Moody, here to listen, always


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:41pm

Thanks so much everyone - particularly for not saying any "i told ya so's"!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:46pm

oooops, & Moody, missed you! lol


"Played & paid" ... hmmm, I dont look at it that way b/c its a gain no matter what happens in the end, even if we break up, it is/was a great relationship for what it is/was. But I understand probably what you meant. You can see in my other post what my plan is. It may not be FAST, but it WILL be ... & in the meantime, I am doing what I can to protect my heart - but doing nothing at all for very long isnt an option at all. It would be lying to him & to myself & doing neither us or the relationship any justice. & YES, it totally was the catalyst for me to do SOMEthing ... & as I always say, there is a reason for everything, & i do believe thats why I felt compelled to read the texts - b/c i NEEDED to see those messages.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:52pm

"I am tired of dating guys I am not interested in JUST b/c i feel like i "should" b/c we dont have any committement. But I need to either know we are moving forward, or I cut my losses"

BINGO - quite good. And that gives you the info you need to make a decision/action from here.

Don't beat yourself up over this. The thing is, relationships move forward - or they die. You have learned a lot about yourself and what you want and that is important. We have had fun with the story - and you know we want the same outcome you do.

Keep us posted!! Glad we helped - it does help hearing so many ideas and perspectives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:58pm
ps- not that YOU all arent great therapists, but i made an appt to see mine next Wed. She is kick-ass, right on & brilliant ... she will set me strait if you guys havent! lol
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