Never snoop unless you are prepared for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Never snoop unless you are prepared for
23
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:15pm

what you may find.


I could kick myself. It was a momentary lapse in ... well, everything I want to be! (honest, adult, not sneaky) ... & when Carlos was in the shower this morning at my house, I looked at his text messages. Pure & simple, I snooped. & I didnt like what I found.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:02pm
Very cool - you will have to share with us what she says so we can learn. First had a great therapist and I learned a lot from her sessions. She was always so kind as to tell us what she learned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:09pm

Mine is incerdible. Do you know that she WAS our marriage counselor & she FIRED my X? rofl

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:14pm

Also girls, wanted to share this, a womans perspective, who was never married either (of course, SHE is WOMAN ... much more liekly sane & mature than a MAN, lol):



Rebecca, the only relationships where I've acted insecure are the ones where the guy made me feel like he couldn't commit. You aren't wrong in what you did, but I agree with the others, it's time for the talk. If he walks, don't worry, he might very well come back. It sounds like what you have is really special to both of you. Go on, put those cards on the table. I don't think him chatting with someone is a big deal since you both have agreed to date others. He's a stand-up guy. Maybe he just needs to see he'll lose you. Once again, I'm not saying play games, but where you are right now is hurting you.


And as a 47 yo never married woman, I don't see anything wrong with his comment about timing. I've been officially engaged twice and have actually been asked for my hand in marriage by 6 total guys. I just wasn't ready, needed to get my degrees completed, needed to get myself where I wanted to be. It was definitely timing, although I didn't realize what the heck I was trying to do for awhile. I just knew I didn't want to be married, YET. So for Carlos to say it was bad timing at all those stages of his life, well heck, that has nothing to do with you. Who knows where he really is now. I'm now perfectly ready to marry because I've accomplished so many of the things that were deep inside of me that I needed to do. So don't ever take his comment personally, he's talking about the past. Who knows, you may be giving him the heebie jeebies because you ARE the right woman at the right time!!


Keep us posted.


Chick

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 11:12pm

Okay, after all that, I don't think you can say I type as much as you do. :-P At least not TODAY. lol ;-)

But it does sound like you got a better grasp on what your thoughts are now, after bringing the situation to us for dissection! I hope you guys get a chance to talk soon. And I also see him as someone who could be freaked out a bit that you ARE so right for him (and each other) and that he has never had anyone so right, while the timing is also right. But I can also see him running away... then realizing that he doesn't want to lose what you have, and then coming back. If that is the case... it would be a situation of letting him come back ONLY ONCE. No yo-yoing or waffling by pulling your strings. Just my opinion on that- although that is looking into some future that might not even happen!

Please keep us updated as things go or doesn't go... I'm still cheering for you guys, though I'm cautiously cheering now. And personally? I say it's HIM and not you at this point, when it comes to not moving forward. You sound like you're more ready to move forward than you were a couple of months ago, although you are not altar-racing by no means. He almost sounds like he is wanting to backtrack but yet not wanting to lose the good stuff you guys have going. But only a good talk with him will tell you that for sure.

Dang... what is it about you that makes me talk so much?!?? ;-)

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 3:39am

Hello Rebecca,

I have followed your story with Carlos from the beginning, and I am sorry that you came across texts that have made you unhappy.

I really have mixed feelings about your situation. I have tried to put myself in your shoes, and I know that if I was enjoying a great relationship with someone like you are, I would be loathe to end it. However, I do you know your ultimate goal of marriage and another child, which is what makes this situation more complicated.

Although you say the situation suits you right now, and I believe you, I wonder whether you are thinking that Carlos may change - that by spending more quality time with you, by getting closer, he may lose the commitment-phobia and realise you are The One. It certainly is within the realms of possibility because you are a very attractive, lively, intelligent, fun woman. But, is it really likely to happen? I don't know. If someone tells you something, believe them.

Then again, as you say, he hasn't actually done anything that you haven't done. Although I think your dating other people is somewhat half-hearted... I apologise if this is not the case, but I am pretty sure if Carlos made a firm commitment to exclusivity, no way would you even think about dating anyone else. It is natural after five months that you want to take the relationship to another level - I certainly would. But I need exclusivity from Day One. Anything else seems like cheating to me, and a waste of time and emotion. But we are all different of course.

Another confusing aspect for me is the issue "WHO you want" versus "WHAT you want". I am a firm believer in WHO you want. I know this goes against the general consensus on this board, but in my own life, I had to face the choice of being with the man I love, which meant giving up on any more kids, as he definitely does not want any, or being with someone else who would want kids. I chose the man I love, and I have never looked back nor regretted my choice. I already have two wonderful children, and to be with the man I love and with them gives me more happiness than I could ever have imagined.

It may be a blessing in disguise that you found those texts, you know. Probably doesn't feel like it right now, but it seems like you have been needing to have The Talk for a while now. I understand that you may be scared of pushing him away. But if he runs away, it would only be because he really does not want that commitment that you eventually DO want. So it's best to know sooner, rather than later, whether your relationship will ever go further so you can make an informed choice based on his reaction.

Is there no way you can arrange to meet before you usually would have done? Carlos knows something is wrong, so couldn't you arrange to meet - tell him he's right, there IS something you need to talk to him about. And take it from there...

Good luck, Rebecca. I am really in your corner here.

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 11:09am

Rebecca I have not read the myriad of replies here so please forgive if I am being redundant. I have had a similar thing happen recently, tho in reverse. My SO had some nagging doubts, and while I was away one day, took it upon himself to snoop around my pc. He did not like what he found either. I was devestated and disappointed in him, but had to face my own shortcomings and indiscretions. We have talked and talked and talked and the upshot is, we are now in an openly committed relationship and have expressed our commitment to to each other, it has made us stronger, and has made us talk about many of the "uncomfortable" issues we never would have opened up about.

You can use this opportunity to springboard to a new place with your bf, or at the very least, to find out exactly where he stands. I would tell him, admit to him, and apologize, then tell him that you would like to open a conversation up about your future together. Talk talk talk. I know its not easy, its one of the hardest things to do, but being open and honest can truly bring you to a new more rewarding place together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 5:09am

WOWZA! lol .... It took me ages to catch up on all the replies here & on the OLD barod

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:19am
Hey Rebecca, I haven't chimed in here at all, just reading, but I want to tell you that I think not telling him about the texts is the right thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:34am

This sounds so positive. My bet is he will be delighted to have the Talk, and will reveal that he has been wanting exclusivity too, but didn't want to rush you as he wasn't sure that was what YOU wanted. We will see... ;o)

I support you 100% on not telling him you peeked at his phone. It would only be natural for him to be mad/upset about an invasion of his privacy, and you don't need that right now at this vital moment in your relationship. It would only be to alleviate your own guilty conscience, and there is no reason for him to suffer because of a mistake you made. By the way, I'm not judging you at all. I've done it myself aswell. Like you, I won't be doing it ever again.

All the best,
Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:49am

Rebecca... rebecca... rebecca...

What I hear is that he KNOWS he did something and he sounds nervous that you figured it out. He sounds guilty to me with all his "are you alright... was it something i did..."

My prayer for you is that you reach a peaceful place in your heart and that you continue to know that you are a WONDERFUL woman with so much to offer any man (as well as the encouragement that you offer us ladies.) Thank you Rebecca!!!

Much Love,
Loonybunny