New- and feeling like I have been spying
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| Fri, 04-06-2007 - 10:28pm |
Hello All,
Thought I would introduce myself as I found this board about 2 months ago and feel as if I have been spying on all your lives. It is great to see a community of single moms that truly seem to support each other!
I have been divorced for 3 years and have two children, a daughter that just turned 16 and a son that will be 13 in a few months. From all my readings I would say that my divorce and ex situation has been very much like Rebecca's in that he has had some mental health issues and did not cope at all with the divorce. My children were put through heck because of this and we have been in and out of court many many times. I can tell you Rebecca that what the others have said in a recent post about learning to just not expect much from him, and giving up on the court system to straighten him out is excellent advice! When I stopped having any expectations from him is when I found peace. He to was ordered to have a physch evaluation that never happened. The first 27 months that we were apart he did not work at all and in the past year he has worked on and off. He owes me massive child support and I struggle tremendously to make ends meet, but no longer have any expectations of receiving support, so if a check does come I treat it as a surprise! (I actual got my first payment in the last 5 months this week!!) My daughters school reported him to the department of children's services and there have been three separate cases made against him. Although I have won each and every time I have gone to court ( I represent myself as I can not afford an attorney) Each time the judge would limit his time with the kids and visits stopped completely for several months at a time, but I have been told that unless there is such abuse as to terminate his rights completely they will never recommend all visits stop. All I can say is that when I accepted this and stopped fighting everything things got better. That is not to say they are great. My son now sees his dad regularly as he is a peace keeper and wants to keep dad happy. My daughter has limited visits and he now accepts this. He has not been allowed any overnight visits for a year now. In the three years apart he had overnights every other weekend for about 6 months. Any way things seem more peaceful with him and the kids and we can speak without it turning into a disaster. All is far from well though as he has filed for bankruptcy and is flat broke, he has been staying at a friends place rent free for about 6 months, but he has been told he needs to be out the end of April and he will be homeless. I am really not looking forward to dealing with that with the kids. They know dad is dirt poor, but do not know he needs to move from where he is staying!
That is a small bit of background, now onto dating! I did not date at all for the first 2 years as there was so much chaos and life changes. I went from being a mom that was home all the time to a full time employee, converted my basement into an apartment so I could collect rent, dealt with numerous emotional issues with my children and just really needed to feel I had really processed my 15 year marriage falling apart. (Before all the mental health issues we had 13 great years, the last 2 where so so bad!)
I tend to be very shy when first meeting new people so I was not having great luck meeting men, A little over a year ago I attended a speed dating event. It was really out of character for me but I went alone, met lots of guys and it was really the lift I needed at the time. I matched with 3 men, and went out with each and ended up dating and really falling for one. We were together for 5 months and then saw each other on and off for another 5 months. I was really hurt when it ended. It was mostly problems with the kids. He was the first guy I introduced my kids to and my daughter had a real hard time. She never warmed up to him and there were a few specific issues that scared him off. It was really hard to feel I was loosing out on a great guy because of my children. Part of me felt he walked away and gave up to easily and part of me understood where he was coming from. In retrospect I think we rushed to much contact with him and the kids. He called just a few weeks ago and suggested getting together, but I told him it has taken me a long time to get over him, and feel he is just looking for sex at this point. There really is no hope of it working as he has such different and strong parenting opinions.
It was time to get myself back in the dating scene. I had a blind double date a few weeks back and met a nice guy that I went out with 4 times. I knew there was no real connection and he was not long term material and he seemed to be falling fast, so I let him know how I felt and that is over.
Just last week I posted on cupid.com and have emailed two different men. One called tonight and we had a nice chat and the other is suppose to call tomorrow and has asked about meeting for a drink. I have been contacted by 8-10 other men this past week and I am not sure how to handle all the response. I am sure it is because I am new to the site and do not want to pass by any good potential men, yet I can not imagine chatting with more than two at a time. I already find myself wondering who I told what to. For those of you that do on line dating how many men are you chatting with at a time? Any advice as to how soon to meet? Right now I am thinking I would prefer to meet quickly as you can not really tell on line or even the phone how you connect with someone, and I do not want to fall victim to thinking I found a great guy and we are making a connection only to meet down the road and there be no spark.
Well thanks for taking the time to get to know me and thanks in advance for any advice. I look forward to continuing to get to know you all.
Laurie

Hi Laurie!
Welcome, Laurie. Boy have you pulled yourself through a lot so far in your life. I can tell by your story that you have a lot of courage and strength. We are so glad to have you and that you introduced yourself. I admire you from what you write here - about how you had to pull yourself through so much, about how you came to grips with your exh and made it on your own - about how you turned the basement into an apartment for rent and how you put your kids first in your dating life. BRAVO!! When you take care of yourself and your kids everything else falls into place. I bet you surprised yourself and your own strength and accomplishment.
Anyway, to try to answer your question - or just offer my own opinion - I did do some online dating a few years ago for several years - and don't anymore - just got burned out on it. My southern/vacation-type location is transient. Plus along the way I have found specific interests that have made me VERY fit and I desire someone in my age group who is fit and that is harder to find.
But rlch - who just replied before me - is the queen of OLD right now on our board. And there are others here who are doing that as well. Some have even met their husbands online.
I would say that you are right on with wanting to meet soon. I would screen by email and then move within a week to the phone - if all was good then meet in person and I think you are right that you don't want to end up with this huge awkward email relationship only to be disappointed one way or the other in person. So you are on the right track.
As to how many? The more the merrier! rlch's idea of a cheatsheet is a very good one! You want to find the very best one for you who is into you - so don't get stuck on one or two!
Good luck and keep us posted!
Welcome, welcome! We love having lurkers join us!
I did OLD almost exclusively for about two years, though there were points where I took a break from it. I met my current boyfriend through Match, and so far (it's been about three weeks of exclusivity) things are going well.
As far as how many- as many or as few as you can handle. I know for me, chatting with three four or seven was fine- but like you, I learned not to get too emotionally involved before the first few dates. I'm a slow learner when it comes to dating, but I did figure it out before any damage was done.
I'd rather get the first meeting out of the way quickly, so no one is wasting time if it turns out there's no spark or that we really aren't compatible.
Whatever you do, please stick around and keep us posted!
Moody, a dating disaster
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Thanks for the welcome! I really have realized I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
For now I am going to see what happens with the two guys I am talking with. Both seemed very nice on the phone and conversation flowed easily. I am meeting one on Tuesday night and hopefully the other Thursday. My time is really limited as I have my kids every night. Even if they see their dad it is just for a few hours. If he does see them it is Tuesday or Thursday from 5:00-8:00. I will let you know how things go.
Laurie