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| Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:33pm |
New here and just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Karie. I have been separated since December of last year and went to court for my divorce in May...final and legal in Sept. About 2-3 weeks ago, I began chatting online with a guy I met on jdate. He and I immediately had a connection...chatting and heavily flirting. Very sexy conversations, but not much personal. He knows that I have 2 kids (twins who will be 4 next month) but talked about them very casually. Never once did he ask about my X. Not even about my divorce or anything. I was suprised, but only looking for something casual and fun, I didn't really care. We chatted every day for just over a week and agreed to meet on a Saturday night. Thank god my X had the kids because I really wanted to meet him. I hadn't been on a date in 12 years!!!! Talk about not knowing what the hell I was doing. Anyway, it was a great night! I met him at 8pm and got home about 2:30am!!!! We hung out at his house for a while and talked, then walked into town for drinks and more talking. Then back to his place for...yup! Ohh well. I'm not sorry for it! It had been since October and I was horney! So, shoot me! :) After that, however, I began to panic. Not because we had sex, but because I was having a hard time keeping things so casual. My therapist calls me a serial monogomous! I don't know how to be causal and relaxed. Our first date was Saturday. He invited me over Tuesday night after work for a bit. Lots of kissing (nothing else) and then we went out for dinner. There were a few days here and there that I didn't hear from him, but for the most part we have chatted online every night. I'm suprised that he doesn't want to talk on the phone, but he doesn't call. I don't either, really. He did call me tonight. We made plans for him to come here tomorrow night, after the kids are long in bed. He isn't what I was ever physically attracted to before, body wise. He is very cute, but smaller and skinnier. But, very cute and proportionate, if that makes any sense. He is very active and is in his 2nd year in his residency for radiology. I'm struggling, on and off, with keeping this casual. All of our conversations end up relatively erotic...playfully so, but every conversation! I don't want him to think that just because I did that on our first date (blush), I would do that all the time, or on a whim. I said that that night, as well, but I'm afraid to have any kind of conversation with him about this. Maybe because I'm afraid of what he'll say. Laying here on my couch I can rationally say, what's wrong with a purely physically relationship? I love the attention, he makes me feel great...better than I have in years and we have an understanding...but is there an understanding??? Oye!! He has talked more about the kids and did ask me a few questions about them and how long I was married, but nothing else! Still hasn't asked me about my divorce, how long...nothing! Should that suprise me? Am I reading too much into this? Am I setting myself up for disaster? I know that mentally and emotionally I'm ready to date him, but can I handle it if it is only a physically relationship? I'm really not ready for anything serious, but would love to hear from anyone who is in the same sitation as me, or has been. Thanks so much!!!
Karie

Hi Karie and welcome!
This is JMHO but if YOU are comfortable with being in a strictly physical relationship then I say go for it. There would be nothing serious, it would make you feel attractive and give you the confidence you need with dating again. Maybe he is the type that doesn't want to pry too much into your personal life or is waiting for you to give up the info. I'm not sure.
I have been in your situation but it was because I wasn't ready to get into a serious relationship but I wanted to have fun and go out to places and didn't want to do it by myself. I did this when I first started dating again after my separation and I still sometimes do it if I want the companionship just to have fun and it doesn't necessarily mean I am having sex with these men either. If the attraction is there then yes but if it isn't then I am having fun just doing new things and seeing new places! Here lately I have been looking for something more serious because I am starting to miss the intimacy of a solid relationship and the comfort of knowing I have someone to lean on during tough times. Of course, it has taken me 4 1/2 years of dating to come to this point.
Don't rush yourself and stay calm. :) Just take things slow and see where it goes with this guy. You may be surprised.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Jennifer
Thank you, Jennifer, and that is exactly how I feel...take it slow, see where it goes, and in the meantime, have the time of my life!! I guess I just tend to overthink things and I worry too about what other people think of me. For 12 years I was the devoted girlfriend, wife and mother...and now I've found a new hat to put on, and I'm enjoying it!!
Thanks again!
Karie
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Hey Karie! Welcome aboard to the OAC - Over Analyzing Club. LOL!
I say, if you are fine with separting emotions then take this as a FWB and enjoy it. Those have worked out great for me in the past and for some of my friends. You just have to put yourself into that mentality and not get hurt and disappointed. Make a rule book for yourself and maybe even ask him what he wants, if he wants to be where he's at then set the rules. Mine were this: You only sleep with me, but you can date anyone else. Once you like someone that you want to sleep with, then you must stop the FWB. Both parties will be allowed to do what they want. No jealousy or no unannounced visits. Should any of the above be broken, our contract as a FWB will be broken without any future contact. Once over, always over. LOL
Anyway, mine was MUCH longer then that, but that was some of the stuff I had in my contract. Which was given to them and signed.
Also, I never contacted them, I made sure they contacted me. The ball was in my court at all times. Very important.
I can so understand why you want the attention and physical intimacy especially coming from a divorce. You are probably at your most vulnerable state. Some say it is best to wait until the ink is dry a year to start dating. But that is easier said than done for sure.
I think in time you will learn what you want and don't want with dating. But for now if you are having fun that is okay. But if you are starting to worry about what do I mean and where is this going then you might be getting emotionally attached.
Usually when a guy comes on strong sexually before and during the first date, that is all he wants. Maybe you should hold your heart back and assume that? Everything should be about what is good for you - when it is working that is fine and when it is not then it is time to quit.
Whatever happens, we wish you well and hope you keep on posting - welcome to our board!