new and looking for advice....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
new and looking for advice....
28
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 8:14pm

Hi,


I am new here, and figured I would start by looking for other moms in relationships I guess?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 8:44pm

I have the same questions as Alison-


What has he lied about? And what are the circumstances around his being without work?


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 8:53pm

1st ... Welcome.


2nd ...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 8:57pm
Red flags here .... starting with the lies, then the excuses for them, some kid issues, & out of work at that age sucks. & maybe completely beyond his control? If thats the case, Id give him a break on that, as long as he is truly searching for work. B/c Lord KNOWS you dont want to end up in a

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 9:26pm
I would have a really hard time falling in love with someone who lies and is out of work. Life is hard enough, life with kids is even harder - why complicate it with a partner that is not up to par?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 9:31pm

Mark,


Thank you for a males point of view and opinion on my relationship questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 9:44pm

Alison,


Hi, and thank you for writing back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 9:45pm

Pacific,


I sent the 'story' out there to alison, if you'd like to read that and let me know your thoughts, I would love to hear your opinions!!! thank you!!!!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 9:49pm

You are welcome Sherry.

I want to make an important distinction between giving advice and sharing my experience and views of what I would do. Giving advice is telling you what to do. What I hope I have done is to share my perspective and my own views of how I would conduct myself if I was in your shoes.

My hot button is someone telling me what to do. Old stuff that I dealt with growing up with my Father.

Giving advice implies that the other person does not have their own wisdom, wherewithal or maturity to figure out what to do. Even with my own children I find that it is more effective and beneficial that they learn better when they figure it out themselves rather than being told what to do. Even if I "know better" I also know that it is better in the long run for the other person to learn from their own experience.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 9:52pm

rebecca,


OMG....I had to laugh literally out loud on that one!! you absolutely crack me up!!! thank you for your bluntly honest views and opinions and truthfulness even about yourself!!! I truly appreciated it all!!!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 10:02pm

I have been in and out of work many times in my life. I tell people my spiritual journey was driven by desperation for that was a situation I did not want to be in for I was the sole supporter of a family (never mind my wife at the time did not feel the need to support me emotionally or to volunteer to look for work). I have dated when I was out of work and was up front about it for I know it's really important for women to have that security and a lot have a history of deadbeat relationships. For the most part, they were reassured that I was actively looking for work versus just lazing around, not paying my support payments, etc.

Caution: I have seen women (not my personal experience with me but with my friends and others) who have become co-dependent with their mates/lovers and try to "help" them find jobs. This is enabling behavior.