new and looking for advice....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
new and looking for advice....
28
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 8:14pm

Hi,


I am new here, and figured I would start by looking for other moms in relationships I guess?!?!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 10:18pm

Sherry- sounds to me you've already made up your mind.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 11:03pm

Hello there. Well I think your concern should depend entirely on how exclusive you've become. I scanned over the posts since your last so I may have missed something.

To be clear, you are questioning yourself over letting go of someone who has lied to you over relationships and is now not working. I can only hope/assume that he has his own place and is not relying on you at this point. I think you should sit down and consider if this is a gut feeling you are having. If it's a matter of him needing you, well who filled those needs before you met? He'll be ok. You may get bogged down.

I'm glad that you felt encouraged by my initial response, which was entirely true, but I also spent several years of that marriage dealing with a spouse who was either underemployed or not employed. Consequently, post-divorce, I can live without child support and actually enjoy a better standard of living than I did, while being 100% responsible for the kids. Having done that, I sure as hell wouldn't sign up for it again. Might sound insensitive, but if I can manage to stay gainfully employed, any guy I'm talking to better be at least where I'm at financially. Otherwise, I'm pity the fool that hooks up with em, but it isn't going to be me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 6:32pm

Mark,


Thank you for being clear on your feelings in regards to advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 6:39pm

Alison,


Thank you for your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 6:54pm

Hi again!


You hit the nail on the head more than once for me actually!! lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 11:05pm

Well, he should not go get a job because it would keep you there. He should get a job because that's what grownups do.


It sounds like you are really great in terms of being a responsible adult and mother, so why devote yourself to someone that is actually a drain on what you have accomplished?


I'm not saying dump the guy, but realize

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 11:26pm

Sherry, I did not mean to imply that you have enabled him. I was just putting it out there as a danger for a lot of women who want to rescue or enable someone who is in need.

It sounds that you are firmly holding onto what you think is right for you and your family. So everything you shared makes sense to me.

Take care,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Tue, 04-29-2008 - 12:29pm

Hi Sherry and welcome to the board!


As the other resident male, and king of the enablers (just ask the girls) I thought now would be a good time to chime in.


As a man I would have to say that unless the guy is in an industry that is in a total downturn (I haven't found one yet, say maybe coal mining) there is always something out there. I have been laid off in my past, and immediately went out and got something, often temporary, until the real opportunity arrived. So that I was NEVER without a job. May not have always paid the full bill, but never completely "out of work." That bothers me the most about your post. Has he been unemployed before? It may indicate something about his inner self that could be a life long issue.


As for the way you are feeling, I'm there myself. My GF has had moments of un-truth, and I often question that at the deepest levels. Everyone has to have their own litmus test for truth. My paper strip with my GF is still pink. We have been together a little over a year, and now I see the relationship starting to really expose those things that matter for the long term.


As for your guy, as a guy I'll give you the skinny.

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