New and really needing some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
New and really needing some advice
9
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 7:07pm

My husband passed away in May 2005 after a very happy marriage of 18 years. I have a wonderful 16 year old daughter which is your typical teenager...works...bad grades...blah blah. I chalk that up to the many changes we have gone through in the last 6 months and we are working on it. I decided after my husband passed that the best place for me and my daughter to be for a while is at home with my parents. A month and 1/2 after I lost my husband things starting moving between me and my parents neighbor (still can't call it my house). This was very hard in the beginning because my parents know him on a different level and of course my daughter had a huge problem with it. Needless to say I fell for him hard and for the first 3 months we had dinner every night (nothing fancy) and then would go to his house and hangout or watch tv...whatever. For the first couple of weeks he would call me just as I was leaving work to see if I was on my way home and if I was coming over....of course I was.....I loved the attention and my daughter works most nights. Thinking back on it now I probably neglected her to some extent because I hadn't had the attention of a different man for 23 years....it was intriguing. Now the problem....it is month number 4 he says he doesn't have a "girlfriend" just lots of friends who are girls. I kind of feel like I have become his "beck and call girl" . I really have fallen for this guy and want it to work...just me. Bad part I live next door and I know when someone else is over at his house....which is always the same person....who I have met and he says they are like "brother and sister" even though they dated. Since I have never been in the "adult" dating life I don't know what to expect. I miss him bad when I don't see him and he knows it. He is 9 years older than me....has never been married....has no problam with my daughter....I just don't know what to expect out of a relationship at this point...since I have never done been down this path before.

I am sure I have left many many things out of my post....but at this point any advice would be very helpful.

Thank you
Dawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 9:12pm

Hi Dawn and welcome to our board,


I think that you need to take a step back, put your feelings for him in a back pocket and get your life on its own track. Do you plan to live at your parent's house for the long term? Or can you get on your own two feet and get a place of your own for you and your daughter?


I feel from reading your story that this man has really filled a void in your life left by losing your husband. That is really sad and I send my best wishes and hugs for you. The problem with this is that you have lost all leverage and level headed thinking. It sounds like it is not going in the direction that is right for you. You are wanting more and he is seeing someone else.


I don't think you would have gotten in this position if you were okay with being alone. Take the time now to grieve the loss of your husband and marriage. Put yourself and your daughter in a good place - on a good long term track. And then, when you have taken care of you, the rest will fall into place.


Please take the time to hang out with us - read the posts of the people who come here and the opinion of the regulars. And you will learn a lot of lessons about dating. Now in the world of free sex and birth control, men are confused. Many just happen to be with a woman for the comfort and sex and do not want relationships. These are the ones who just hang out and have you as a beck and call girl. But the ones who want relationships are out there - they make a big effort to get you and date you solely. You have to hold out for them.


Best wishes - I am sure you will hear good things from more people. I am glad you found this board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:45pm

Thank you for your response. I would have no problem getting a place for me and my daughter. I am at home for two reasons....one because my husbands death was totally unexpected (he had kidney failure for 10 years but had a massive heart attack at work)and the other my mom will be losing her job soon. My husband and I knew mom was going to loose her job and we were going to move in here before the year was out. As far as getting on my own two feet....physically.....and monetary isnt an issue....being a sudden single parent with a teenager is. I earned the majority of the income and had the more demanding job and my husband jobs was more flexable so that if our daughter needed something he could handle it.

It is late....daughter home from work....will respond more tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:59pm

I agree with Judy.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:23am

Dawn,


Welcome to the board.


My advice to you would be to stop seeing this guy.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 2:18pm

Dawn,

I recommend that you stop seeing the next door neighbor. You feel like his "beck and call girl", because that's what you are.

Do not get trapped by the line of thinking that you don't know what it's like to date as an adult. I fell for that too. Lowered my expectations for a committed relationship and tried to be the cool-with-everything-chick. Times have not changed that much. If you expect an exclusive relationship, you can have it..........but, not with that guy who is seeing you casually. You have to wait for someone else who shares your ideals.

I would recommend that you not date for a while and really let yourself grieve. You were married for such a long time and you lost your husband suddenly. It will take lots of time to get back on your feet emotionally. Jerks, like the next door neighbor, will wreck havoc on your emotional well-being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 2:44pm
Thank you for your response. I agree easier said than done. I sent him and email last night telling him exactly how I felt....and we will see where is goes from here. My daughter and I have been in counseling for several months now and it has been a tremendous help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 2:53pm

I have to agree with the rest of the board. Give yourself some time. Sometimes you think you are ready for relationships when you're not. A lot of times what you're really doing is filling the void of what you don't have any longer. You miss it and things aren't the same but you want them to be. Probably most of the people on this board has done exactly that, I know I have.

Maybe if you hear back from this guy, he will have an answer for you. But if he doesn't, try not to get bent out of shape about it.

Hugs to you and your daughter!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 3:00pm
Wow! That was alot to absorb.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 7:10pm

Hi,

I agree with the other posters...this is not the right type of person for you at this time or unless "YOU" choose a casual relationship (which will exclude DD--for attachment/resentment reasons). Other posters might not agree...but depending on where you are and what you want...it could be fine for the casual dating experience. I don't think this is the time for you (I'm NO expert though on what others want or need!)

HOWEVER...A few things...I'm sorry to hear about your loss and I can't imagine how hard that has been on you and your DD.

Sometimes after a tragic event we can look for something that's comfortable rather than what is best for us. I commend you for your dedication to seeing a counselor. It is so important for YOU and DD. Do you also go jointly? (hopefully I did not miss that if you answered)

It is very difficult to embark on new territory and I think you are doing it bravely! I hope you know that!!! Also, congratulations to you for noticing this relationship with this man might not be what you want or need. That says a lot--even if you "fell for him". I really hope you are giving yourself credit for what you have been through and the actions and thoughts you have taken into consideration for your past, your present and your future.

We all at somepoint embark on a new relationship that for one reason or another does not work out for whatever reason(s)...morals/values/timing/chemistry. Remember you are still going through a lot and you ARE really headed in the right direction.

Again, I commend you! I hope this helps..GOOD LUCK and keep posting!

Hugs to YOU and DD!
S~