New bf has a problem w/ my baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
New bf has a problem w/ my baby
6
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 4:07pm
Hello everyone. Im new to these discussions and would really appreciate some feedback on my current situation. I'm a 22 yr. old single mom of a beautiful 19 month old boy. I met a man who is also 22 yrs. old and we have been together for 4 months. During this time we have grown very serious, we love each other, i have a key to his apartment, we have met each others families, so on. well throughtout this time my child's father has given us a hard time by constantly texting and calling me saying things that range from he loves me to i'm a slut and a horrible mother (nedless to say he's a little deranged!) anyway, i realize this would be hard to deal with for my new boyfriend and i can understand there would be doubts as to whether or not this relationship was worth persuing due to the "baby daddy drama". We talked about how we both felt and i changed my phone number and things seem to be working ok. well a few days ago he tells me he wants to be completely honest with me and tells me that he's been thinking about us. He says he has doubts as to wheter he's ready to be serious with someone who has children because he doesnt think he's ready to "deal with kids". He feels he is too young and that he has taken care not to get anyone pregnant for the simple fact that he has a lot of things he wants to do in life that do not involve children and so he doesnt want to feel like he's a father. He also mentioned that even though for now everything is ok with my ex it may not always be that way and he doesnt want to constantly deal with drama. He said he needs time and that he doesnt want to break up because he loves me, but that he just needs to think about what he really wants. He also mentioned that this may just be a phase and that maybe he's just scared.
Well i'm just really confused because i do love him but if he really loved me would it matter that i have a son? i will NEVER be with someone who see's my son as baggage and so i dont know if i should even give him any time to decide if he's ok with it or not. But i also dont want to be selfish and i do understand that it must be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has kids, and i must respect that he had plans for himself before he met me. I dont know what to do. perhaps i just need a new unbiased perspective.... Thank you for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 4:56pm

Hi there, and welcome! This is my take on this situation- and I've sort of been there, but it's still just my opinion.

How would he feel about you if you didn't have your son? How would you feel about him if you didn't have him? No way to answer that right? Because having your son is a part of what makes you, you. There's no way to tell what might have been, and it's entirely possible that you might have been completely right for each other- but you DO have a son, and he's NOT baggage.

If he really loved YOU, he'd love all of you, including your son. I am not telling you to break things off with him, but you should seriously consider whether or not you can be with someone who considers a child baggage. 22 is young, and he's being honest. The fact is, he may not have known how much work having a kid around really is until he entered into the relationship- lots of people don't.

Another question I'd have for you is, why is it up to HIM? Why would you sit there and wait for him to decide whether or not to end this relationship? You get to make decisions, too, and one of those can be whether or not to allow this to continue. MY personal position would be- he doesn't really need any more time to deicde if this is right for him than you do.

Relationships take work, and if he's unable or unwilling, or you are, to make it work, for whatever reason, than so be it, then it's simply not meant to be. Sometimes, that's all there is to it. But it isn't fair of him to expect you to sit and wait for him to decide if he's going to pony up- and it isn't fair of you to drop him like a bad habit without letting him know you're heading toward that tunnel, either.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 5:07pm

Wanna hear me shoot from the hip on this one?

"He doesnt think he's ready to "deal with kids". He feels he is too young and that he has taken care not to get anyone pregnant for the simple fact that he has a lot of things he wants to do in life that do not involve children and so he doesnt want to feel like he's a father."

Well, he's being totally honest with you and I'm thankful that he is at least doing that. And on that note, I think you should let him go. You haven't wasted years with him (it's been just 4 months) and hopefully your son isn't attached to him through this time. But at his age- hopefully also- that he won't be too traumatized that the BF suddenly disappears out of the picture either. You want someone who is able and capable to be there for you as a boyfriend and as well as a potential parenting partner- because you aren't just a woman, but a MOM as well. So whatever man you choose- he will have to be able to fill BOTH of those spots because you can't give up either role you have. Well, maybe you can put the 'girlfriend' role on hold- but you can't give up the Mom role. And if he can't deal with that, then you're all better off looking for what you want/need elsewhere.

And as for the comment that "He also mentioned that even though for now everything is ok with my ex it may not always be that way and he doesnt want to constantly deal with drama."... I can't say things are even OK between you and your ex if the ex is constantly texting you with those awful messages! Whether he's truly still in love with you or if he's thinking you're a slut... it's not HIS place to be texting you anymore, is it?? Just how long has it been since you and your ex has been apart? I would suspect that it's still fresh between you and it's probably too soon for you to have had a BF anyway. Sounds like there is too much fresh drama going on for a stable road, even if the new BF was wanting to fill a dad role. So really- you're battling a double-whammy here.

I can understand why you are confused and concerned about how the new BF would feel about it all. And I can understand why he would be feeling scared and overwhelmed and not sure if he is ready for it all. And I don't get the evil texting that the ex is doing except to just assume that the separation is still very fresh & he hasn't come to grips with any of it yet.

Sounds like your best bet is to cool things off with the BF. And to try to come to some workable relationship with the ex so he can stop tormenting you. And keep on being the Mom you need to be for your son- without all the man-drama!!!!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 5:31pm
Thank you very much for your time in responding to my message. To answer your question me and my ex have been broken up for a year and a half. I KNOW that i have made it very clear from day one of our breakup that there was no hope of us getting back together but he doesnt get it. I changed my cell phone number and now he only talks with my mom about the baby. I dont feel as though this is fresh, at least for me it's not! Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 8:26pm

He told you how he really feels. He doesn't want to "deal with kids". Yes, he's immature.

I would leave him for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 11:03pm

Hi Ladymoz,


Welcome to the board.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:03pm

If my ex were still alive, he would still have been hounding me too. He did the exact same things...loved me, badgered my friends to talk to me so we could get back together, whining, then turned around and talked about what a horrible person, slut, bad mother, whatever behind my back and to my face. He even once told a hairdresser that I was sleeping with someone at my work. And he mentioned him by name!!

It turned out that the guy i was supposivly sleeping with had the SAME hairdresser! Now what are the odds of that! The girls started congratuating him on his new girlfriend and he was like "what?" So of course he comes back to ask me what was going on and that was how I found out. But geez!! I am sure you've had similar antics too.

Give your guy some time if you want to make it work, but if you don't, let him go. It will save you so much more heartache in the future and at least he is being honest with you about it. There are so many other guys out there who could care less if you have a child and would never look at him as "baggage."

--snow