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| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 3:49pm |
I visit the domestic violence board often. I'm coming from a 13 year abusive marriage. Its been over a year since we've been together. And just recently I started to feel like maybe I want to start dating again. Mind you its been almost 14 years since I dated anybody. (Scarey thought) I miss having someone I can talk to and spend time with. But i have 3 ds ages 12, 9, 8. I've mentioned to them about dating again. And they all freak out on me. They don't want me to date anyone.
I don't know what to do I don't want to hurt my kids either. What do I do. Do I have to put my life on hold or do you think maybe they will come around and see that I deserve to be happy.
I want to feel loved and wanted by a man I want to feel like a woman again. My ex took away that feeling and I want it back. I want to feel loved and respected again.
Am I being selfish and not a good mom if I date against my kids wishes? I'm very torn.
My children and I had to give up our whole family and move away to be safe from my ex and I feel. I want to start rebuilding my life is that wrong.
Thanks for your input.
Christy

My ex sister in law (she was married to my ex's brother) and I became fast friends after I divorced in 2002. We lived 3 doors apart and she eventually became involved and they moved in together right away and got married. Her youngest child is 8 and he's very spoiled and dramatic. He protested so much and brought her ex mother in law into it saying his new step father was mean to him and even though my ex sis in law knew that wasn't true, she had no choice but to send her husband away and give up her own happiness because her kids were so difficult about it.
She has since been speaking with him, but they can no longer be together because her family and ex family have all threatened to disown her if she stayed with him all because her son was such a brat about it. Her husband has never been anything but kind to those boys. And he never did anything he wasn't supoosed to do as far as discipline. He let their mother take the reigns on certain things because that's how she wanted it. He stepped back. Now she is supposed to be alone because she allowed her family and children to dictate her life. Is that right? No! It isn't.
Did your children witness the abuse? Maybe if they did, they are scared that you will be hurt again. Maybe they just miss their daddy. Who knows? But you can't let them dictate your future. If you are miserable, they will be too. They just need to see you happy and once that happens, they will hopefully be able to accept that their mommy is not supposed to be alone forever.
Hugs to you and keep coming over!
Mel
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Pretty much, you need to put your foot down and set your own boundaries. You decide when you're going to date. If you leave it up to your kids, they will say 'no'. Be there for your children and don't run out on them....but, make time for yourself. Happy mom = happy kids.
I think the answer is to do everything you can to heal your emotional wounds and that of your children. Perhaps a family counselor is in order. Make sure they are happy and busy and well adjusted.
You can become more active and begin to date but don't let them know. Telling your kids you want to start dating is asking for trouble. You should just tell them you want to have fun and meet friends just like they do. You are not seeking to replace their dad - just to have friends to talk to.
I think your biggest challenge is going to be to find a decent man. These boards are all full of people looking for Mr. Right. And this applies to women of all ages, both with and without children. To find someone who thinks of you as Mrs. Right and wants a committed monogamous relationship is not easy. You will have a lot to learn about dating if you haven't dated in so long - I know I did - and it has been 4 years since my separation/divorce and I have still not found that someone. I am not trying to discourage you but to let you know what your expectations should be.
I would strongly suggest reading some good books on dating and relationships. There is good stuff for this at www.whatittakes.com and that doesn't cost anything to read the articles. I think those are good.
At any rate, I think you should do the best you can do to make yourself and kids happy, busy and well-adjusted and then a nice guy will appear and the kids will like him. Maybe it is their soccer coach or the handyman who comes to fix your sink. Everything will click and you will all just know. Don't be in a rush to introduce anyone - take your time on that.
Welcome to our board. I hope you visit and post often. I have found this board to be great and have learned a lot.
Hugs to you for what you have had to go through and for getting back on your feet. Of course you deserve a great love - everyone does.
I hope this helps!!
Welcome to the board.
I think to you a year may be longer than it is to the kids. And like West brought up, if they saw the abuse, they may very well be scared for you. In any case, family counseling in a situation like this is almost always in order. Your boys have to learn a) it's not okay to be abusive and b) a family isn't supposed to be like that. They have to see their mom as someone strong and independent now who is building a new life with them. And they have to learn to forgive their father. Do they have a relationship with him?
You definitely have the right to a life all your own. I don't know if I would date behind my kids' backs tho. I would work on healing your family 100% first and then work on dating. And if you feel as though they're just being difficult and not wanting to see their mother date because it's "gross" to them, then that's a different story. You are the grown-up and they'll get over it. But I don't think that coming from a lifetime of their dad abusing their mom, that's what these boys are experiencing. Just my thoughts.
Hugs and hope you'll stick around!
Tara