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| Tue, 06-27-2006 - 8:54pm |
I didn't know there was a board for single mothers, but here goes, I've been posting mostly on the ask the dating doyenne, but I need more help than i get there. I am a single mom, have been for about 4months, now, I was a stay at home mom for the last almost 5 years, and was in a relationship for about 6 years. He recently cheated and that was it he was never around and my kids didn't need to go through that. I have a 4 1/2 yr. old Angelina and a 3 year old Karyana, and a one year old James Wyatt. Well there dad is MIL ( missing i n life ) dont know any other way to put it, he pays no child support and they see him like once every 3 weeks. Their paternal grandmother gets them on wednesday and every other weekend and on occasion takes the girls, because they're older every weekend for a night if it's not her weekend. She's helped a lot but not in the money department. I had to move back in with my parents and dont have a job because daycare wants 300 a week for childcare and my son has bad asthma as well. My parents are helping out a lot and I've been through my resources in getting help and have child support enforcement looking for dad and so forth. I'm looking into subsidized childcare and so far have gotten no where, I started dating again and it's been fun although I dont know if the guy is ready for 3 kids because I dunno, he lives an hour and a half away and we spend the weekends together when I dont my kids or just the baby, at a mutual friends house, and he's not real interactive with him right now, but I dunno if we are gonna go anywhere because we are just talking and he knew my ex but I didn't meet him until after my ex and I broke up, I really dont want him to be involved in a relationshpip with my kids because daddy already siappeared and i dont want this thing to not work out and then another one leave, so.... HELP!!!!! I am 22, and the guy I am talking to, well I guess thats what you call it, we only talk really on the weekends and thats only for a little bit because he hunts and airboat rides half the ni ght with my friends husband. ANyways, he's 28 and I know he's not ready for an instfamily, but, my friends set us up so we'll see what happens, if anything. I doubt anything will come of it. Right now i am trying to get on my feet, thankfully I'm young and not really washed up though kids can do that to you, and I already have a few job prospects, all making decent money but I need daycare and I'm gonna be stuck without it. I told my childrens paternal grandmother to tell her son if she talked to him that I need some help, I am not their only parent and i didn't lie down on my own and make 3 babies. He doesn't care. She said she would try and help me this week, well where has she been for 4 months. I do a little work here and there for my friends and I dont like getting paid by friends to help them out, but they say they know I need it, so they will help me, they have their own business and are doing what they can in order of help, so... thank goodness for friends. They are much older then me, heck the husband could be my father he is 16 years to the day older than me ( he took us out for our birthday, me, his wife, him and this guy they set me up with) , and she is 13 years older than me. They are great I dunno what I would do right now without their support. I'm lost as you can see I'm kind of just rambling, hope to get some input on everything from somewhere other than family and friends that already know every little detail, as they are told as it unfolds, LOL.
Edited 6/27/2006 9:07 pm ET by flcntrygirl11400
Edited 6/27/2006 9:07 pm ET by flcntrygirl11400

Hello flcntrygirl11400,
Welcome to our board. You indeed did come to the right place and we are glad to have you and to try to help. I am sure the others will chime in when they see your post - the more eyes and opinions you have the better.
My opinion - is that you should forget about dating seriously right now. Focus on getting yourself up and going again any way you can - to work on your future to be able to make good money supporting yourself and kids - maybe you can make plans to go to school? It is GREAT that your parents are helping you and that your children's paternal grandmother wishes to remain in her grandchildren's lives. It is also great that your friends will hire you to help in their businesses. Don't be ashamed to accept that right now - just be on a mission to get yourself independent in the future and then you can return favors.
Sorry to hear that you had such a bad time with your ex - that he cheated and that he doesn't pay child support or have any kind of visitation schedule. There are a lot of women here who share your story and many who can give you tips for getting the child support. You must not give up on that endeavor!!
As long as you remain focused on you and the kids, and keep dating in the background - meaning stay casual and don't let it overwhelm you (easier said than done) I think you will be okay.
When you get stabilized and more financially independent then you will become pickier and make a better choice.
Hopefully you will check in with us as you can and read and participate in our posts - there is a lot to learn as a single mom for life and for dating. I have learned a ALOT here and learn something new every day.
Read the posts below on "meaning of slow" - particularly the last note by Shrimps - she has a good attitude for dating and picking the right one.
HOpe this helps - feel free to ask us as many questions as you want.
I hope everyone responds with their tips and opinions. You will get great advice and feedback!!
Hi there, and welcome to our board! We have an excellent group of women (and a few men) here with all sorts of different life experiences, so I think you've come to the right place.
Having three young kids is hard work. Having three young kids, being a single mom, and not being financially stable is really hard work. I think you should put dating to the back burner for now and do whatever it takes to get back on your feet financially.
It's great that you have a network of family and friends to help you out, and don't be afraid to ask them for help. I think people are much more willing to help others when it's obvious the person is trying.
It's good that your children spend time wth their paternal grandmother, even though they don't spend time with their father. I'm in a similar situation with my DD. But, you have to remember that these aren't her children, and it really isn't her job to help you. It's awesome if she will, and wants to, but you can't expect her to.
As far as they guy goes, I would really let things ride for a while there. I think when we're young we naturally make choices that we won't anymore as we gain the wisdom that (usually) comes with age. But when we have children, we need to make those smarter decisions now. What I'm trying to say is that your children need you right now, and they need to know that you can provide for them. Whether or not he wants an instant family, you have a family. A lot of guys are willing and able and WANT to be a part of children's lives, but some aren't, and that's the way it goes.
Everyone else will have wonderful advice for you, I'm sure, so please stick around!
Moody
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Hi and welcome,
sorry this will be short, have to get off to work...
My only point I want to make this morning is in reference to this: "He's someone I can talk to, I talked to him when I went to child support enforcement, he said it's hard isn't it, and i waslike yeah tld him I'd call back and he said when you get the chance call me,.."
Right now you need NOT to be dating for this very reason- you need support to get through this time, and venting to some new guy is NOT the way to go.
I agree with what Alison said about talking to the guy. That man should not be your go-to-guy for venting. He's not your partner. Men, who do not love you, view venting as a weakness. He'll put up with your talking just long enough to get in your pants and then he'll move on.
It's better to date when you have your ducks in a row. I know, it's extremely difficult. At one point when I was recovering from my divorce, I didn't date for 4 years. I had too many life issues to deal with. I didn't get "old and washed up" as you put it in your first post, even though I'm quite a bit older than you are. I got better after those 4 years, bought a house and I have more money now than I ever did when I was married.
If you don't make your life better, then you'll feel trapped into a cycle of dating really crappy guys in order to escape your life for brief moments of time. Each crap relationship feels like sinking deeper into a pit. That will take it out of you more than having to raise 3 kids by yourself.
Every time my daughter talks to me, when she's not playing with her sister, or brother, or just mommy and her talks, she tells me something different. She just used the phrase " white trash" I asked her where she heard that and she said her daddy was talking to his girlfriend ( arguing like mommy and daddy use to ) and he put my daughter on the phone to talk ot his girlfriend, she doesn't know my kdis and has never spent more than 5 minutes in the same house, the same zip code for that matter with them. My daughter said she didn't say anything to her and when daddy took the phone back he said I know I'm white trash, but come on talk to me. I was like omigosh. So, I have to explain to my daughter that he's not white trash ( which I think he is, well not white trash but deadbeat ) She starts Kindergarten in August and I am so scared what she'll go to school and say. My 3 yr. old doesn't really know any better, she just turned 3. She knows mommy and daddy dont live together and mommy works with her friend, here and there, and thats the extent of what she knows. And my son, thank goodness he's only 1, because maybe his father will outgrow being a deadbeat and I will never have to renew his faith in his father and maybe his father will grow up and want to spend more time with him. He hasn't seen him in a month now. You guys are great. I needed to vent. I know friends and family get a little sick of hearing, they dont say so, but you know you can figure out when someone kinda just wants to change the subject but doesn't because they wanna be there for you. My mom on the other hand would spend her days and nights talking about it, if I would, she vents more than i do.