New to this board....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
New to this board....
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Sun, 06-18-2006 - 10:45am

Hello all...I am new to this board but not the message boards on ivillage. Let me give you a little history. I was married for 6 1/2 years to a very selfish man (long story) but finally got the nerve to divorce him (mentally abusive relationship). I have 2 beautiful daughters, Mikayla 7 and AVery 5. In August it will make 2 years that I have been divorced and my xh is already remarried. he met a girl last august (she lived in arkansas), she moved to TX (where we are) in October and they married this past March. She has 3 kids by 2 different dads but she is a really nice woman. I lucked out there. Here is my question, before he met this woman he was never involved in our girls lives and now that he has her there to "babysit" he is seeing the kids all the time. Which, by the way, i think is great. But here comes the problem...he is still trying to control what i do with the girls. he lectures me about going to church, this that and the other and how i should be parenting. i am currently in an ldr and have been for over a year. he told me that he wanted to meet this man and that he would prefer i never get married. WHAT THE H***? it just infuriates me to no end. and here is the kicker.....he has these 3 other kids and he treats them more like his kids than his own. when my girls are with me he never calls them to talk to them. he told me that he wouldn't be taking our girls to their soccer games on his weekend because it wasn't "fair to the other kids, because they wanted to play and couldn't." i guess my question is how do you handle your x wanting to meet your current? how do i break this manipulation cycle? he makes me feel so guilty sometimes and it drives me crazy. i have told him off a couple of times but i am telling you, he is a jerk. anyway...thanks for letting me vent and sorry this is so long. any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

christie : )

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 12:40pm

Hi Christie and welcome to our board. Glad you found us.

I am hoping all the girls will chime in about this one - perhaps tomorrow when they all get back to work and log on - there are many here who have had to deal with a bad exh in one form or another.

What I would do is this: I would only speak to him about the girls with regards to your coordination for visitation and their lives - stuff like homework, pickup times, etc. When he tries to start telling you what to do, or asking you about your personal life, you need to get off the phone or change the subject. What YOU do is NOT up for discussion. No exception. It might be a little rough as you start to set this boundary but pretty soon it will get easy and stick.

Minimum information. Maximum politeness. Do not discuss your ldr or your personal life with him.

And by the same token, what he does with his personal life and the other kids is not of concern to you. You have to "disconnect" yourself to him.

Hope this helps and that more chime in. I know there is much more good advice and stories and people who can relate to you here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 2:45pm

Hi Christie,


Welcome to the board.


I agree 100% with Judy, you need to learn to disconnect from the man.


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Avatar for jordan_34
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 3:47pm
I thank you guys for the advice. I know all of this and know what I should be doing and it has been long enough that I see myself getting sucked back in at times. I have told him that I am not going to discuss something with him. He is very threatening and tells me he is going to take me to court. I am like, FOR WHAT????? I don't know, I am just glad I found this board and some other boards to go to for advice. Thank you all and I will see you guys around!
Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 5:06pm

I have to chime in with the others here. He needs to butt out of your personal life, and if he won't do it on his own, you have to make sure you do it for your own sake. Who you see is none of his business and as long as the kids are taken care of, he really has no place to talk. I went through the same thing when I first got divorced with my ex. Even though HE was the one who was pursuing a co-worker before our divorce took place (she was part of the problem, though we had plenty of problems of our own in the marriage)... he got all angry when he found out I had started dating after the divorce was final. After the divorce was final, even though he was already dating while we were still married!!! Talk about a screwed-up double standard. What I did then was NONE of his business! And it was no longer my job to comfort HIS emotions if he didn't like something!! Yeah, it got ugly for awhile, but I just stuck to my guns and eventually he got over it and chilled out. (thankfully!!!!) But for your ex to tell you that you can't remarry- especially when he himself is remarried- that's control-freak talking right there! What a load of cr@p!

Keep the conversations to 'kid-related things only' and no personal stuff. Don't listen when he goes off on his own personal events. Remind him that if there is nothing else he wants to say in relation to the kids, then you have to go.

And the part about him paving his own way to a good relationship with the kids or a dysfunctional one... let that be HIS PAVING. It's not up to you to save him from ruining things with his kids. It's sad that you might end up picking up the pieces when your kids get their hearts broken, but it's still not your job to cover for him or build their relationship for him. It's not easy to disconnect when the kids are involved- but when it comes to the ex, you just have to.

Welcome to the board, too. :-)

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 5:45pm

If he tells you he's going to take you to court, don't get sucked into the argument, say, "if that's what you feel you have to do..."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 7:17pm

Christie,

You need to set the boundaries. Keep the conversations about your kids and that's it. If he asks you anything about your personal life, you tell him good-bye. He doesn't need to know who you are dating.

My exh would be the same way if I let him have that kind of control, but I nipped that in the bud early on. There is no small talk between us. He knows I have a boyfriend, but knows nothing about my guy. Nothing about my job. Nothing about my church. I'm free.

About the way he treats your kids, let that go. If he doesn't want to take them to soccer games, don't discuss it with him. Provide him with a schedule of their games and then do not talk anymore about it. If he starts giving you reasons why he won't take them, hang up the phone.

If he starts to lecture you about church or anything *****Hang up the PHONE**** if he harasses you, get a restraining order.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 7:24pm
I have to post about the going back to court thing. My exh has taken me to court more times than the number of years our son has been on this earth. I have won every time. You can't keep a jerk from taking you to court. That's our bad luck for marrying jerks. It's their right to drag you to court, but I have to tell you what happend the last time my ex took me to court (just 3 months ago)........he got NAILED very hard with a child support increase that I never, ever, ever would have sought if he hadn't taken me to court. His support payment doubled and I ran out and bought the new car that I desperately needed to buy. He also did not win what he took me to court over. We won't go back any time soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 7:54pm

Good point!


One of my best friends was taken to court by her ex husband over something dumb and was going on and on about her getting remarried and having more kids.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 10:02am

Sorry for being late in welcoming you! My ex acted just like yours when we first divorced. Just remember that you don't owe him any explanations about YOUR personal life. Caller ID is a wonderful thing. I also started communicating via email when things were getting ridiculous. That way I didn't have to listen to his BS.

The other ladies have given you excellent suggestions. It is all about changing your mind set and not feeling that you have to answer to him. Also, if he threatens to take you to court just calmly tell him to knock himself out. Don't let him scare you with that threat!

Hope you stick around. The ladies here are very supportive and have good advice!
Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 10:00pm

I am really enjoying reading all of these responses. I just knew all of you would chime in real well on this one.

I must add - in addition to caller ID is an option that has really helped me over the past few months - a cell phone for DS. It was free with a plan and only costs $10 more a month. All of our calls to each other are free. I can't imagine life without it. Now his dad calls HIM on his cell phone and is not calling the house or my cell phone. PLUS DS and I find it very convenient and he feels special having it.

Just an idea....

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