New to the board....!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
New to the board....!
10
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 12:06pm

Hello all!

I have been reading over the boards for the last few days and decided to register!
My name is Kim, and I have been separated from my husband of 19 years since May. He moved out in July. We had been together since senior year of high school. He was my first boyfriend, first and only everything. Nothing too dramatic about the split. We just grew apart--became strangers. If it had been up to him, we would have just continued to muddle through and pretended. There came a point where that was just not enough anymore. He felt more like a friend or a brother than a husband. The physical attraction just evaporated for me. The whole situation was a long time coming, after many years of hiding our heads in the sand and waiting for it to get better. It never did.

So, here I am...37 and single for the first time since I was 17! And just as inept about men and dating as I was 20 years ago!

So, I will continue to read about everyones forays into the dating world and maybe,(hopefully!)sometime soon, have some stories of my own!




Edited 10/20/2005 12:09 pm ET by kimjola
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 2:53pm

Welcome. You will like it here. There are a lot of nice people on the board.

Your situation is a little similiar to mine. I met my exh when I was 18 and a freshman in college. He was the first everything for me too. We were married almost 10 years when he left; I was 32 at the time, and the mom of three-month-old twins. I didn't date for 2 whole years after he left because I was too busy with the twins. And when I did start to date, I felt just as inept as you do now. Don't worry, it gets easier as time goes by. I still haven't met Mr. Right yet, eight years later, but I have met enough Mr. Wrongs to know what I want and what I don't want. You'll get to that stage too some day.

For right now, take care of yourself. Once your divorce is final, you will feel like a different person. Like my counselor just told me -- live your life -- go out and do things and take care of yourself. And maybe in the process of living your life, you might meet someone. I know that can happen. Even though they didn't work out, the three men I dated since my divorce I met by chance (my dad knew the one guy, the second was a neighbor, and the third did my re-finance). So, you never know where you might meet people.

Good luck to you and keep posting.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 4:27pm
Welcome to the board there are a lot of great women here, so you came to the right place.
You should read some of the older threads there are a lot of really good ones, including ones about when to resume dating again.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 7:43pm
Welcome! You have come to the right place - lots of good reading and buddies here. We look forward to sharing stories with you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 8:19pm

Thanks so much for the welcomes! It is appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 9:08pm

Hi and welcome!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:44am

Hi Kim!!!! I was shocked when I read about your situation. i also married my highschool sweetheart and spent a total of 18 years with him when we called it quits because of growing apart just like you. One warning for you...this first guy you date seriously will probably end up being exactly like what you left. It helps to write down lists of all of the things you didnt like about his behavior and a list of what you really want in the next man and dont settle for less. I am 37 too and just spend 3.5 years in a relationship that went nowhere but broke my heart harder that the divorce with my ex!! I feel like I dont have time to wait another 3 years to figure out if its going to work in a relationship. I have not had anyluck finding mr. right yet but my list lets me dismiss mr.wrong alot sooner.

Because you and your ex "grew-up" together and are so comfortable with each other there will be times when life dissappoints you or is not what you expected and one or both of you will suggest trying again. I know that you love him but in a different way that a husband and wife should love each other. Look forward to having a different kind of loving relationship with your ex. My ex and I are still friends and cry on each others shoulders when needed. It was my decision to leave so he has a bit of a soft spot of hope that I will change my mind but we have to remind each other that life is short and that we derse true happiness. Good luck to you!! if you would like to have a friend to chat with you can email me at gaynorbdc@yahoo.com. I have been seperated for 4 years and divorced for 3 so I am a few steps ahead of you making all kinds of mistakes and trying to learn from them. Dawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:50am

That's the hope!

Oh...! I did not mention in my original post that I am also the mother of a beautiful 13 year old son. The separation has been an adjustment for him, of course. Luckily, his dad is still part of his everyday life and intends to stay that way--regardless of what happens with him and I. Poor kid--becoming a teenager and having your parents split up in the same short time frame. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I should have just sucked it up and stayed with his dad till he was older.

Of course, I feel his dad and I stayed together a lot longer than we would have because of him. It just became impossible.

Okay...rambling done!

Looking forward to chatting more with you ladies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:56am

Hi Dawn!

You hit the nail on the head. Yes, we *grew up* together, and we are GREAT together--as kids. It's the *adult* part that we never really learned how to do. We can talk nonsense and goofiness endlessly. When it comes to serious stuff, though...we usually end up battling.

Which is one of the many reasons we grew apart. Strange how someone you have known most of your life can become such a stranger? Especially since they used to be your everything?

I will get in touch with you, Dawn! Nice to meet someone in the same boat.

I REALLY am glad I found this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:58am
I wanted to mention that I have an 11 year old boy and a 9 yr old girl. My ex and I live 6 miles from each other and have joint custody. I have them from Fri to Fri and then he does. It works out very well since we get along ok. Either of us can see the kids whenver we want to. the kids have adjusted well. I do not date the week I have them and they definitely dont meet anyone. my week with them is all about them and then the other week I do for me. You are totally right about goofing off and non-seroius converstion, we are great at that too. Our goals in life are so different now and I realized that if I stayed with him my life would be unfullfilled.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:08pm

Welcome to the board!


Don't be too hard on yourself regarding your son.


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