new to the board and a big question

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
new to the board and a big question
8
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 9:01pm

I have a complicated and multi-part question. My ex, and the father of my daughter, is planning to visit soon. We live on opposite coasts. So far, he has come to visit about 4 occasions, and on all he has stayed in my home, in an extra guest bedroom. My rationale fo rthis (amidst criticism from close family), has to do with conserving resources, and treating the father of my daughter as I would a close friend, and being hospitable. It also saves some stress and time with commuting while I have a work life and my daughter still has school during his visits. If he lived down the street this wouldn't be an issue, therefore it takes sacrifice and extra work when he comes to visit.She is much too young to fly by herself as of yet either.

A new situation, however, is that I have been seeing someone pretty steadily and seriously (new to my situation, and new since my ex and I had split up). I told my daughter's father in brief about this person, in anticipation that he should know before he came to visit. As I also feared, he had a teary and sensitive reaction (he would be very happy if we were to reunite, but it is not an option for me). He asked me also if I woudl stop seeing this person for the 9 days or so, and over 2 weekends, he would be visiting. Of course I woudln't bring the two men to meet right now, but I don't think its fair to ask me to stop seeing -or talking on the phone (we usually talk daily and for hours soemtimes)- to anyone in a way that upsets my life-my reality- as it is now, just because his ego and fantasy doesn't want that. I am doubting the lodging arrangements,and think that maybe he should stay in a hotel for all of our comfort. I know he cannot easily afford this. On the other hand, I pointed out that if he decides to come, he needs to keep his emotions in check, remain stable in front of our daughter,(he has been known to cry in front of her and be dramatic), and that the visit is supposed to be about him spending time with my daughter. I don't want to delay her visit with him (he already is 2 months behind a promise to her). Yet, I don't want to have to feel "trapped" by his requests if and when he comes, regardless of where he stays as well.

Additionally, even if he stays in a hotel, is it fair to still live my life and see this other man? Should I feel like I'd have to "hide" it and secretly meet him for lunch versus dinner or going out at late night? I feel trapped at the mere thought of doing that. Also, is it RUDE even to arrange to go out when he is in town? If I was married, and he came to visit her, I would return home at the end of the night after visiting or going to dinner with my little one or something, and go home with her to my husband per se,... so why do I feel so confused and already bothered by this request to "not see" the person I am now spending my time with, and for whom I care greatl? This other man is wonderful and supportive of whatever I decide. I think it makes it harder to decide what to do. I want to do what is right and I do have a conscience. I know I need to make sacrifices as a solo mom, but I don't want feelings to get hurt...but either way, someone is not going to be truly happy. If this was a friend, I would have advice, but I cant remove myself enough to think clearly...

Anyone care to share what they think is right in this case, all around? Also, has anyone had experience with the ex such as this?...Thanks ahead!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:46pm
Hi bellas. If I were you, I would put him in a hotel. I dont know your financial arrnagement with child support or whatever but if he really needs you to, maybe you could pay for half this time around and then tell him he needs to plan for it for the future? Clearly he was accustomed to the arrangement of staying with you and your child for free but honestly if you are intimate with someone else now, I dont think I would be comfortable having my ex stay int he same place with me and my bf. And for what its worth, things are amicable with my ex. It just would be awkward for everyone. The facts are you have moved on and you are not with your ex anymore so the two of them probably shouldnt be staying in the same house and especially if your ex still has feelings for you. I think it would also confuse your child a bit. I think when he comes to visit you should have him stay somewhere else, certainly help plan things for him to do with your daughter and facilitate the visitation but I would not cancel your life or how you are living right now. Keep your plans with your current man and make it clear that your life continues as usual. You sounds a little afraid to hurt his feelings and the reality is he needs to totally get the fact the you two are done and get over you. Another thought I had is that if he is not visiting her any more than every two months ( I wasnt sure I understood that correctly), you are under no obligation to alter your life for his comfort level. He is not a main player in her life with that schedule and while you should encourage visits I dont think you should be expected to rearrange big aspects of your life over it. Just my opinion....
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 9:50am

..It is worth a lot (your opininon). Thank you.
Just to clarify, the new man and I are not living together, but we are not just casually dating, either. Even so, what you said completely makes sense. Also, my daughter's father sees her less than every two months (last visit was 6 months ago, he is just 2 months behind on when he promised her to come, but part of that is my fault--new job, scheduling, etc.). In that light, what you have said makes more sense. Just wanted to see if my barometer on this was on or off. I am leaning towards to hotel as well. I can be accomodating, but I think it comes down to setting my boundaries with him now, even more re-defined than before.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 10:41am

I think maintaining clear boundaries would be best for your ex and your daughter regardless of who and if you are dating.

You are right to continue seeing your bf even though your ex is in town.

Although it was a well considered gesture to have him stay in your home before, it really seems to have confused some issues for your ex and your daughter, or at least contributed to the confusion. Even thouh he can be a good friend and is the father of your daughter, he is your ex and lines have been drawn and should be resected.

Good luck to you! Sounds like a complicated situation.

Also, if you and the bf are in a serious LTR, I would introduce them if willing. It will help define the roles and boundaries very clearly. If you and the BF aren't serious yet, then don't do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 11:04am
thank you, and regarding the meeting of teh "old and the new"..I hadn't brought that up with the new BF. I don't think the ex would be able to handle it, especially given his request and his fragile ego and emotional state when I broke the news thaT I was seeing someone regularly now. Perhaps at the next visit if things are still going the way they are now... but that is a very good idea. thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 11:13am

Hi
I think you have had very sound advice here, and I also think you should ask your ex to stay at the hotel. You have been very accommodating in the past, but now your circumstances have changed and these arrangements are no longer suitable.

Your bf sounds great, and it is lovely of him to say that he doesn't mind whatever you choose, but I am sure he would be more comfortable deep-down inside if your ex wasn't staying at your home. I know if I was in that situation, I would feel slightly uncomfortable if my SO's ex was staying with him. It's not a question of trust, it somehow just doesn't seem right.

I see no reason why you should put your life on hold during your ex's visit. Yes, it may be upsetting for him, but seeing the situation as it is may also be beneficial to him in the long term as it may help him to move along.

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2007
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 12:50pm

Hi bellas-I'm kind of a lurker here and have never posted before, but I wanted to respond because I was in this same situation last year. I moved from GA to CA a year ago when I left my H. It was very difficult move for him and the kids and I allowed him to stay at my house during his visits (once or twice a month). I did it for the same reasons you do and it worked well in the beginning. I'd rather him spend his money on travel rather then a weekend at a hotel and it was easier on the kids being at home. Often times I would go stay at a friends house or my parents house. I wanted to be sure that the focus stayed on the children and not on us and any idea of reconciliation.

Eventually though I did start seeing someone serious enough that him staying with me just was not an option anymore. It all of sudden felt very awkward having him there. It was tough because I felt like he might come less if I didn't let him stay and then the children would suffer, etc... but I had to come to the realization that it couldn't be like that forever and he would have to be responsible for his own accomodations.

So eventually he did start staying at a hotel and that worked out, but now he decided to move out here to be closer to the kids, so he has his own place, but hopefully your ex will continue to come out on a regualar basis to see dd and not trap you into feeling like you have to drop everything and be there too. That's not fair to you or your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 1:57pm
All of the advice here is great - I like this one the most because it sets a boundary but makes the initial blow easier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 4:53am
I sincerely want to thank all for your responses. Every message has me now examining a different angle to the situation, and affirming I am on the right decision /path! Thank you all. Glad to have joined teh board!
~Bella's Mami