New with a few questions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
New with a few questions...
33
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 6:44pm

Hoping someone has some good opinions for me with this.


I met a nice man online in January, (we have so much in common), and did the email thing, then we moved on to the phone calls. We finally met face to face in February (we live 3 miles from each other)so that worked out for us. I have 2 children(17d and 9s) they are with me part time. He has 1 child(11s) who is with him 100%. Our dating(or lack there of...according to MY friends) is pretty unconventional. We talk daily 45-60 min conversations sometimes 2x a day and a few nights a week I go over to hang out with him. We have become intimate and I never spent the night until he asked me to stay(it's been 3 x now) Until last night I had only met his son with

~Karen
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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 7:09pm

I wonder if you two had sex when his son is in the house or when he is over at your place without your children?


I am not a custodial parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 8:23pm
Hmmm....Well, it does seem to me like you might want to ask him if the two of you could catch a movie or meet for a drink but I also understand going slowly and pathing your own way based on your schedules and comfort levels.
When you met for the first time, didnt you meet for a date date? Have there been any incidences where you have been out and about together or are you truly just going over to hang out?
I know my bf and I dated a few times and then we got in this stage where we were just hanging out at my house cuddling and visiting and getting to know one another and then sleeping together. We were in a cocoon phase and pretty giddy about it plus we were getting naked a lot and didnt want to offend people in public...lol. We hadnt had the talk yet either and it was him that brought it up under the guise of a friend asking him if he realized we werent just dating anymore and he wondered if his "friend" was right. I asked him "Well, is your friend smart?" and he just laughed. So your gfs could be wrong and he might be wondering himself whether the two of you are becoming exclusive and bring it up on his own. Guys have the talk too!!
Are your gf's divorced as well? Or single parents?
Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 12-27-2006
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 9:20pm

To answer your question honestly, yes. I usually go over after his son is asleep though. I don't get home from work til

~Karen
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 9:31pm
Thanks for your reply. When we met for the first time he came over to my house..we hung out and talked for about 3 hrs. That was it. We are truly just hanging out at his house. He is a FULLTIME dad. And he takes pride in taking on that role. His son is #1 and I don't mind that. We watch movies, laugh and genuinely have a great time. I'm not big on rocking the boat and we are going slow with this. My friends are married and have kids the same ages as mine. I didn't realize there was soooo much to dating.

~Karen
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 9:43pm

Welcome!

I am not sure what to say. It would seem that the ideal situation would be as your friends describe - where he dates you and takes you out and you take your time getting to know each other and then he asks for exclusivity and then you become intimate. But, he is a dad with 24 hour custody so I would cut him some slack for that.

BUT it seems to me that relationships that start as sack buddies and evolve around just having sex seem to be that way for a bit and then fizzle.

And it seems from what you write that you do not have a lot of dating experience. Which is okay. But I would want to ask you - do you know what you really want and don't want in a partner? Do you have the same set of values? Do you want the same things out of life and a relationship?

Because the bummer is, when you find out that the guy is content with a buddy who has sex but doesn't see you as a romantic exclusive partner and doesn't really want one. That is the risk you take by walking with quiet steps - and by "walking with quiet steps" I mean you totally give him the reins and do not state what you want - you are afraid to bring it up.

What I would want (and this is after the school of hard knocks and some dating experience) is a guy who fits the bill for me - meaning he is smart and funny and likes to be active and makes a decent income - which are all things I have to offer. And I want a guy who wants an exclusive relationship and who wants to fall in love and even marry one day if things look good. So, I would want him to start pursuing me and courting me. I want him to have time for me.

Now, I have seen some relationships start like yours and end up in a good place. But I have also seen a lot just end up as FWB - friends with benefits and the girl ends up bummed out that he doesn't want to commit or get serious.

So, maybe now is the time to do an inventory of your own heart - what do you want? Out of life, out of a partner, out of this relationship? Don't waste time and emotion. And don't be afraid to ask straight out - what does this mean to you - what do you want? Maybe he will surprise you in a good way. He is a dedicated dad and the fact that he has his boy 24/7 and has you when the boy is sleeping is a good thing in a way - I do like that. I just don't like surprises and don't think you would either.

Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 9:58pm

Thanks for your input. We do have a great time talking and laughing and learning new things about one another. Last night was a perfect example of that. We do have the same values and we both want the same things and out of a relationship.

~Karen
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 1:15am

hi and welcome


well I have some experience with your situation so therefore some thoughts.


1. your friends are not ALWAYS right - especially if they are married and not in the same boat as you.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 1:43am
That helped A LOT!! Just posted a bit of an update!
~~Tiny

~Karen
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 1:57am

In a very similar situation, except we did finally meet each other's kids. That was also far down the time frame from where you are at.


Sometimes girlfriends are right, and sometimes they are just projecting their biases on you. And who hasn't done that when their friend is bitching about something that YOU JUST KNOW she should handle differently? The thing is, only you know what's right with your relationship. They will come around as they see it last over time.


However, if their misgivings make you concerned about things to the point that you agree with them, you might want to really think about it and evaluate your relationship objectively, as though one of your best friends was in the

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 2:08am

Thanks. Hmmm, thing is I DON'T agree with them. I'm lacking in

~Karen
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