The New Guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
The New Guy
9
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:42am

I started talking to this guy I had known from my past. We hit it off great and talked non-stop for 2 weeks. One day, he didn't call. I took some friendly advice and didn't call him. I was told, if he was interested, he'll call. for 3 weeks I didn't call and neither did he. For some unknown reason, we ran into each other one night. Upon talking, he had taken my not calling as disinterest, and I had taken his not calling as disinterest and so we never called because of what we thought.

we've been talking aagain for about 3 or 4 weeks. every day. But we've never been out on a date. He has come down a couple of times to the house to watch a movie and have dinner. He does a lot of things with the guys and doesn't break plans with them to go otu with me. It seems like they are ALWAYS wanting to do things with him.

we have discussed taking things slow and not jumping into a relationship. I have a couple friends who think he is just playing a game and only sees me or talks to me when he is bored and when he gets bored with me, he'll leave. But he drove 40 minutes to my house last night, just to eat dinner and watch a movie because he wanted to see me. He finally admitted a couple days ago, that he is really beginning to like me. And Saturday when he went out with friends, he sent me a message saying that he missed me and would rather be with me then out running around with teh guys.

I don't know what to make of the whole situation, other than going with the flow and seeing what happens. Since we are not technically dating, nor are we exclusive, I have not limited myself to only him and have talked to a number of guys, but none are as interesting and click with me like he does. two of my friends think I'm nuts. But I can see his side of things and how is he acting, as well as theirs...

any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:46pm

You didn't mention if you are intimate with him. If you are and he doesn't take you out on dates, then I would think that you're convenient for him. There is no exclusivity. He is free to run with the boys and see you just whenever.

I would be careful with this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:49pm
I agree with fivensense. If you are having sex with him than that changes everything - this would totally not be acceptible in my eyes. But if you are not and keeping it casual then it is okay and go with the flow.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 10:35am

well, no, I failed to mention that. But you are right. Because we had been friends before, it was very easy to fall into more intimate things than I ever would have with someone I dind't know at all.

He just contradicts himself so much. He told me not to anyalze what was going on and to just let things happen, which I did. I have no allowed myself to look at him as anything more than a friend (with a few benefits) and 2 1/2 months later, HE is the one who says that I am beginning to grow on him and that he really likes me. He asked me out, on a night he knew I had plans with friends. he drives down to my house just to eat dinner and watch a movie (nothing more). He told me this weekend that when he went out with friends Saturday night, that he realized how much he wished I was there with him and even sent me a messsage to that affect and that he thought it time I meet his friends.

I wasted my time for over a year and a half on a guy who continuously made me promises and then never fulfilled them and had no intentions of it. He put his mother and 2 best friends above me at all times. I don't want to fall for another guy who doesn't think I'm the most important thing in his life. But is my new guy just taking things slowly when it comes to a committed relationship or is he just screwing around and telling me whatever he thinks I want to hear?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:59am
It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Please be careful, I think he is taking advantage and telling you exactly what you want to hear. I would set up boundaries ASAP. If you're going to be just friends then be just friends, if you're going to enter a relationship then he must act accordingly. Don't let him blend the two, make you a friend with benefits, then later on tell you some b.s. about he's not ready, confused; etc. Believe you me, been there done that. The last time that was done to me, I turned the tables on him, told him we would be sex buddies only that's it. Drove him nuts! He starts to act like a bf, I would tell him, sorry not allowed. He would have a fit if I had a date, again told him not allowed. One day I return from a date, and there he is on my doorstep drunk crying like a fool about how much he loves me. It really opened up my eyes about him, he didn't love me, he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted what he couldn't have. I told him no more sex, and no more friendship, who wants a friend that just wants to use you. With friends like that who needs enemies. That was 20 years ago, ironic we went out to lunch a couple of weeks ago. He's supposedly happily married.
He starts balling at the table about how his marriage is a sham, he's so misserable, how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, yada, yada, yada. I was like wow ! I'm so damned lucky I saw through your bs 20 years ago ! You haven't changed one bit ! I told him to get marriage counseling, and have a nice life. I left the restauraunt shaking my head and just laughing. I suspect that your friend is cut from the same cloth, take control before it's too late and you end up getting hurt.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:00pm

wow. It was after I told him that I wasn't analyzing or getting attached that he decided to. In fact, Friday night, he waned me to cancel plans with friends but wouldn't come out right then with me and my friends. Then he called and said he was in the parking lot at the restaurant, but I didn't hear my phoen and so he left. Saturday he declared it must be because I was with someone else and had ignored him (even though I replied to him as soon as I saw he had called). He has made comments about how he wouldn't like seeing me with another guy, but technically we are not dating and have no strings attached. hmmmmm......

You've made me think

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:38pm

I'm telling you girlfriend, they are clones. The same guy that I told you about pulled the same crap on me. Like I said before make a stand either way, and either way he won't be happy. He wants both, all of the fun with none of the responsibility. As long as you see him for what he truly is it's all good. It's all part of the relationship learning process, it will help you in the future weed out the bad ones, and pave the way for the good one(s).I'm so glad I made you think. My adult daughter hates it when I try to give her this kind of advice, but she always calls me in the end and says: "I hate to say it but, you were right about him".And of course like any good mom, I bite my tounge hard to keep from saying: "told you so". :-)

Take care, I think you're doing great and on the right track.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 10:57pm

I don't have a good feeling about this one. It sounds like he is trying to string you along instead of trying to be someone special to you. I think you should take a break from him and date other people. The other alternative is to spill out what you want in a take it or leave it deal.

Keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 11:24am

Well, he called yesterday. Wanted to know why I hadn't called all day. I told him I was busy at work and hadn't gotten around to it yet. So we talked for 1/2 hour. his best friend was at the house, I could hear him in the background. He told me that he just wanted to talk and see how my day was. He called back later that evening and we talked for another 20 minutes. He told me he thought that I was starting to like him too (he's been telling me for a week that I am growing on him and that he is really starting to like me). I asked him what he wanted to hear? I said, do you want me to tell you yes that I am starting to really like you or no, that you are just a friend? He said that he wanted the truth. I asked what good the truth would do and he said, you'd be surprise. The truth may do more good than you'll ever know. So I said, yes, that I was starting to like him and that worried me because I didn't know what was giong on with us but that I liked talking to him and seeing him. I said that great sex is one thing, but it didn't require..... and then i stopped and he said if it was just sex, that wouldn't require talking to you every day? and I said, yeah, if it's just sex, call me when you want it, but not just to find out how my day is going. He said,exactly. And the fact is that I want to know how you are and what you are doing and I just want to hear you.

Then he called me a third time last night right before I went to bed to tell me good night and to have sweet dreams.

I'm still not taking down that "wall" that I have up. I've been hurt before, badly enough that I was scared after my last long term relationship ended that I'd be jaded completely to relationships, so I being very cautious with him and any other guy that has taken me out.

just wish life wasn't so complicated!!!!!

Thanks for listening and for the advice. I will keep you updated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 5:15pm

The conversation is encouraging but do keep your wall up. ACTIONS speak louder than words and you will have to see what he DOES over time. I would not have sex with him again until the relationship was on a more even, mutual keel. Meaning he is making plans ahead, calling, keeping in contact, only seeing you, moving the relationship forward.

Keep us posted!!

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