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| Thu, 07-20-2006 - 7:54pm |
Hello ladies,
I'm new to this board and thought I'd introduce myself before I post much.
I am a single mother to three awsome children. Chris is 18, Matthew is 7, and Samantha is 5. In a nutshell, my story is this:
Divorced three times...first one I was 17 when i married and was way too immature to get married; 2nd one was abusive; 3rd one seemed to be the real thing and we were together for about 12 years. Shortly before I found out I was preg with Samantha, I found out he was having an affair. We had been trying to conceive another child and we tryed to make the marriage work after I found out...I won't say it was the wrong decision because I have a beautiful daughter whom I absolutley adore. A few months before she was born, he told me he was leaving afterward. He said it would "look bad" if he left while I was pregnant. Three weeks after she was born, he moved out. I was an absolute wreck. About 4 months later, he moved back in but didn't make any effort to make amends for what he'd done. He continued to live the life of a single man but lived in our home. 5 months later when he stayed out all night, I told him to move out. We've been apart since. That was October 2001.
I've dated a few times, nothing serious. Last year I dated someone I've known for years and it was going great until life through lots of hurdles our way. When the hurdles were there, he ran. We had very poor communication at that point. I believe it was in part due to the fact that we've both been alone for years and forgot how to start a relationship. Forgot that we have to teach one another how to communicate with one another. We've had several months apart and decided to give it a go again. I see the same patterns starting again though and honestly, I don't see this being the person I am going to spend my life with. He likes to point out my flaws but doesn't necessarily like his pointed out.
I have no idea how I'm going to meet someone worth dating. I just turned 40 this month. I am a childcare provider in my home. Raising my children is the most important aspect of my life and I've always wanted to be home raising my children (thought I'd have a husband too...but life loves to throw curves). I am a volunteer firefighter and will be doing that on the weekends that the children are with their father.
Their father and I had an amicable divorce but have been having legal battles since last year. He just married the woman that he had the affair with and she's his driving force. He has someone to make his decisions for him now and she's happy to do it. She flat out says that divorced parents can't get along and there is no such thing as an amicable divorce.
So, I am still battling with them and the legal system. He was an uninvolved father only having the children two nights a month (although he could've had them much more based on our separation/divorce agreement). Since I filed for modification of child support after finding out that he lied about his income when we divorced, he filed his own petitions to modify visitation and custody, lower child support (for ridiculous reasons that wouldn't hold up in court IF I had the money to go to court), and eliminate alimony (which I receive in return for agreeing to not receive 1/2 of his retirement) -- at the time that we separated and divorced, he agreed to pay alimony until I remarry, now he wants it eliminated or other terminating events thrown in.
Mine is a very long story and I could write until my fingers cramp up. I'm sure many of you have experienced similar stories and issues. I get very angry that those who are trying to take care of the children and make life comfortable for the children are getting screwed over by those who make the most money. He makes 5 times what I make and insists he has no money - yet he's lived in a house rent/mortgage free since we separated. And now, he and his wife are building a mini-mansion.
Ok...gotta get off my soap box now. Sorry this has been so long. I have a lot of anger and frustration over this since it's been dragging out since September. It's almost like going through a nasty divorce years later instead of getting it over with originally.
To the dating part...I have learned ALOT about myself and am much more aware of what qualities I need to find in a man. I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do need certain qualities if the relationship is going to work. For example...I wouldn't do well with a materialistic person. I'm a simple person and am happy with simple things. Better things are bad and I wouldn't necessarily turn them down but I don't feel that I NEED them and don't get upset over not having them. That's just one of the things that I learned.
Ok, so after all this, I have a question....HOW AND WHERE do you meet someone these days? I obviously don't have much time to go places. Someone I meet and want to date is going to have to understand that I have children at home and our alone time will have to be limited to time when they have gone to bed or weekends that they are with their father. It just doesn't seem possible but I know in my heart that there is someone out there for me. I want so much to find someone to share my life with.
Dena

Dena, hi and welcome! Wow, what a tough spot you're in, but so many of the women here have been there, and will have some awesome advice for you!
Feel free to come here to vent, share your story, and ask for and give advice!
As far as where to meet men, honestly, I think while you can't expect Mr Right to knock on your door while your sitting on the couch, he will find his way to you while you're doing something you normally do, with a twist, maybe. For instance, he might also end up being a volunteer firefighter, like you, and maybe you'll meet someone that way. Or maybe he'll be shopping for school supplies and so will you, at the same time. Fate has a way.
My point, I guess, for all of us, and I need to heed my own advice, is the people who are right for us will have SOMETHING, we will meet them SOMEHOW. We may meet them through online dating, at a bar, in the library, at a park, while walking our dog, on vacation, you get the idea. But however we meet them, if we aren't open to meeting new people, we won't meet anyone. Or when we do, we'll walk on by, thinking it was just another stranger we met on the bus, nothing extraordinary about today.
Moody- who's feeling refreshed and renewed today
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Hello Dena,
Welcome to our board. We give you a warm welcome. Your story is so heart-wrenching - I am sorry you have had such pain. The only thing I can say is for you to get a good lawyer and make sure you get all you should. Don't give up!! Hopefully you can "turn the corner" and put it all behind you soon. I know that the stage of the divorce you are in is the most scary and aggravating because you don't really know the financial outcome. But please don't give in!! Your children need you to provide a good base and future.
You asked:
"Ok, so after all this, I have a question....HOW AND WHERE do you meet someone these days? I obviously don't have much time to go places. Someone I meet and want to date is going to have to understand that I have children at home and our alone time will have to be limited to time when they have gone to bed or weekends that they are with their father. It just doesn't seem possible but I know in my heart that there is someone out there for me. I want so much to find someone to share my life with."
I think that you should take time away from dating just for right now - get divorced and then get settled. But in the mean time, don't be a hermit!! Try every way you can to get out of the house for YOU. To build a good life as a single.
Because I think that is the key to meeting the right person - is for you to have such a good life that you don't "need" someone. For you to be putting your best interests first and for you to be doing things you love.
I can tell you what I am doing to get out there and meet someone. I did online dating for a while and am totally sick of it. I found that too many of the men were just looking for a fling. But the online thing was good for experience. I learned GREAT dating skills. And I learned to put myself first - if I see something I don't like, I don't put up with it. Examples include: too much drinking on the first date, very bad finances (doesn't believe in paying taxes and has high debt), wants sex right away, doesn't live close enough (I don't want to move or have to drive very far all the time - don't have time for that).
I am a totally different person now from what I was when I first divorced. And I believe this is in my favor for making the right decision the next time around.
Now I want someone who has similar interests. Who will add a lot of fun and enjoyment to my life. Who will be like a favorite uncle for my son. Who doesn't have addictions or money troubles or a bad temper. Don't need someone rich or super handsome - just someone normal who is into me. The INTO ME part is very important. I have learned the hard way that I cannot wish a relationship into being or do all of the work. I just have to do nothing and observe a man's intentions - that they are in the right place - meaning he wants to impress me and fall in love with me, not just lay me.
Okay - so - I am getting out of the house as much as possible for my fitness activities - I love to do triathlons and running races and biking races and ocean swims. So that is what I am doing! I have a lot of friends and various workout groups and am loving all of it. Just have to be patient and bump into the right person for me. I am doing all I can to build my social network so to speak.
I hope this helps and that everyone pitches in with their thoughts on how they get out and meet people.
I also hope you stick around. YOu sound like a great person and we would love to have you participate on this board. You will learn a lot here. And we are always happy to help you when you are having a bad day as you go through the divorce.
And of course there is a great person for you - there is a great person for everyone!!
I had to chuckle when I read the part about a volunteer firefighter! I swore off firefighters when I divorced (he was a career firefighter and so was the woman he had the affair with). I found out about their affair by stumbling across their e-mails to one another. I read the e-mails (and caught ex in MANY lies) and found exactly how prevalent affairs are among firefighters. It was awful.
But, didn't listen to my own advice. The guy I've been dating (the one I've known for years) is actually someone I met at the firehouse when I volunteered before my two youngest were born! He has re-opened my eyes to the fact that not everyone fits that mold and each person is an individual who may or may not be like my ex.
You're so right about the possibilities. I tend to be very shy which makes things a little more complicated. I also found out recently that I apparently look much younger than I am. While that's AWSOME!...it can also make things difficult. Men my age think I'm younger....will they be interested or intimidated and not even ask me out. Men younger see me with three children and freak (so I wouldn't want them anyway) or find out my age and run.
Anyway, thank you for the advice. I think I'll print out your post and keep it as a reminder to have an open mind and rememeber that I don't have to be "out there" looking for someone.
-D
I'm sorry, I must have not written that very well. We were separated for a few years and then divorced...it's been over two years since the divorce was final. I waited a VERY long time to date anyone. It was nearly a year before I dated at all, then it was only a couple of dates and then a couple of years before I dated again and that was only 2 dates. The most serious relationship started last year.
What I'm going through now is as a result of requesting for modification of child support that was established when we separated back in 2001. Sorry for the confusion.
I've given lots of time to find myself and reflect and learn and establish new goals and expectations. Thank you for being honest with your advice though. I do appreciate that very much.
-D
Oh wow - it is great that you have already made it through the divorce. I will keep my fingers crossed that you get what you need in the modification. Keep us posted.
You are surely ready to dip your toes in the dating world. I hope you stick around and keep us posted on what is going on!! I wish I could be of more help on how to get started. Have you ever tried the online thing? Some here have luck with it and it seems to be a good thing for practice.
Do you have any of your own interests? Church groups? Volunteer stuff? Classes? A good gym? Those are some ideas I can think of off the top of my head. It is true that the guy won't knock on the door and find you in your house.
And yes, I agree with Moody - you can meet "him" anywhere. There is someone great for you who will enjoy your family, too.
Glad you found us!
Hi Dena!
Welcome to the board :)
I have to tell you that I was moved by your description of your experience. I come from a similiar background, but with one divorce from a man who equals all three of yours.. imagine that? A jerk, a cheapskate liar and a cheater, all rolled up in one :) lol
I have yet to find the perfect place to meet a quality man. I have a myspace account and I met my current interest there. He seems genuine but we are still in the get to know each other phase.
What are your hobbies? That's always a good place to start!
I encourage you to post with us, we may not always give the most accurate advice, but we listen and we care :)
Be