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| Fri, 10-29-2004 - 4:28pm |
HI. I have not posted on this board, but often read (and occassionally post) on some of the others. What boards you read seem to say where you've been. "Abusive Relationships" to "Surviving Divorce" to "Divorced Moms" to "He's just not that into you" to "Ask the Answer man" to "Single Mothers" (with a brief foray into "single and over 30" but that is what put me here!)
SOOOOOO, wondering if anyone here, with kids, has any advise, or books or anything they would recommend to help keep me from losing my mind!! I feel like I've lived a hundred lives already and don't know where to go now.
How in the world do you "meet" anyone if you're single, have a 3 yr old, work and run another business (to make ends meet), not to mention working on a new (old) house...
I just got my heart broken falling for a guy who I was sure was going to be so "normal", y'know a bonafide "nice guy" (something I've never done before) and completely got stomped on instead.
Now what? How do you ever meet new people as a mom? Is it better to just forget about it and just stay focused on being alone and being the best mom you can be? (I also have a psycho ex (her Dad) and am currently dealing with a Parenting Coordinator who is wants to start letting him have unsupervised visits when he's only been clean off of drugs for 3 months!!! Argghh) So, I think maybe that's why I'm spinning so much... it seems that being busier is not exactly helping the situation!!!
Anyhow -- just wondered if anyone has any advise on being a little more sane (and a little less "brain-going-100-mph-all-day-ish")!!!!
Thanks lots!!!!!!
SOOOOOO, wondering if anyone here, with kids, has any advise, or books or anything they would recommend to help keep me from losing my mind!! I feel like I've lived a hundred lives already and don't know where to go now.
How in the world do you "meet" anyone if you're single, have a 3 yr old, work and run another business (to make ends meet), not to mention working on a new (old) house...
I just got my heart broken falling for a guy who I was sure was going to be so "normal", y'know a bonafide "nice guy" (something I've never done before) and completely got stomped on instead.
Now what? How do you ever meet new people as a mom? Is it better to just forget about it and just stay focused on being alone and being the best mom you can be? (I also have a psycho ex (her Dad) and am currently dealing with a Parenting Coordinator who is wants to start letting him have unsupervised visits when he's only been clean off of drugs for 3 months!!! Argghh) So, I think maybe that's why I'm spinning so much... it seems that being busier is not exactly helping the situation!!!
Anyhow -- just wondered if anyone has any advise on being a little more sane (and a little less "brain-going-100-mph-all-day-ish")!!!!
Thanks lots!!!!!!

You ask..."Is it better to just forget about it and just stay focused on being alone and being the best mom you can be? "
Well, in a nutshell, I think YES! With a slight change, stay focused on being the best YOU you can be. When you are the best YOU, you will be the best mom too and you will attract the best people for the best you.
If you feel like you're spinning too fast, you've got to slow down the merry-go-round. Make some changes. Maybe you can't switch jobs right now, but can you set aside some of your home improvement goals for later or slow down? If you're already going 100 miles per hour, adding dating to that highway is an accident waiting to happen.
Focus on YOU right now. Get into a more comfortable pace, and get your act together before you start trying to date. That way, when Mr. Right does come along, you won't be too busy to catch him. :)
"How do you ever meet new people as a mom? Is it better to just forget about it and just stay focused on being alone and being the best mom you can be?" You said it all right there. I can understand your concerns. When my exh left me with 3-month-old twins, I told myself, no one will ever want me. I didn't date for 2 years, but after that, I never seemed to have trouble meeting people. I know this is an old saying, but it does happen when you least expect it and when you are not trying at all. Concentrating on your child and yourself is definitely the best way to go, and all the rest will just follow. Keeping yourself busy but not too busy is a great thing, and you will probably meet people that way. I met my current boyfriend when I joined a single parents' club. I joined to find something to do when my kids were with their dad, not to meet anyone, and I met someone anyway. I like being busy so that when I am alone I'm not lonely. I am active in my church and I also volunteer. BTW, my house is an old house that I am also trying to fix up. Sometimes I think I'm a little too busy, but I like the challenge. I'm happiest when I am keeping busy and doing things for others. And I think that if you are happy with yourself, you will project that. People are more attractive when they give off a positive aura. I too, along with many of the women on this board, have been stomped on by someone we cared about. I think I've kissed more frogs than anyone, but I know that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. I know he's out there somewhere. Be yourself, concentrate on your three-year-old and yourself and don't worry about the rest. Good luck and I hope you will stick around. This is a great board, you will love it.
Donna
Sometimes we all have to remind ourselves that less is more.
And yes, be all that you can be by yourself. Focus on the good in your life and of course on your dd. The rest will take care of itself. You have to love yourself and respect yourself and then not settle for anything less from a guy. This requires patience.
As for books, I think the best is "He's Just Not That Into You" - and also "Mars and Venus on a Date" and also "Zen and the Art of Loving (Shoshanna)" and also "Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives (Schlessinger)"
I am not much of a "self-help" reader so I can't really give you any good titles.
I do wonder if maybe right now isn't the time to be dating for you anyway? Maybe this is the time for you to concentrate on you and your kiddo and keeping the psycho ex to supervised visits if that is what you feel is best for your daughter. Maybe all this spinning is just not conducive to having a good relationship right now? I don't know. Only you can answer that for sure for you.
I don't think you need to stay away from dating forever, but maybe right now just isn't the time?
As far as where you can meet a guy, when you're trying to be supermom and keep your head above water, well, let's face it you can meet a guy anywhere. It's meeting a quality guy that's the challenge. I think everyone here who has successfully met a man since getting divorced or breaking up with their child's dad, will tell you a different avenue. I personally met my SO on a singles website. At the time, I was going to school, had my own part-time business, and had 2 kids. We've been together for about 3 1/2 years.
He's quality. But did I meet a bunch of weirdos and wackos' before I met him, you bet I did.
The trick is a) being in a place to be ready for someone new to be a part of your life and b) knowing what you want and what you don't want in a potential mate and STICKING TO IT!
Lastly, don't date because you think you should be. Do it because you enjoy it, because you want to meet someone, because you have something great to share with someone else.
I hope you have a great night! Hope you'll come back and let us know how you're doing.
Tara
thanks so much for the response -- it was the best pick-me-up. Yep, everybody's right (sometimes it's hard to hear -- but you know when it strikes a cord as right). Got to slow down a little. I love my baby girl and she is my world -- that's really all I need right now (and a little wine to get thru the lonely spots :) !!)
I will keep an eye here, thanks again for all the great advise.