new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
new here
2
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 9:52am
Okay, I am new here and have found myself in need of advice recently.
I have been in very bad, controlling, abusive relationships in the past. I spent about a year after my last divorce just trying to pull myself back together and figure out why I allowed these things to happen to me. I did get to a better place and began dating again.
I now have no problem telling a man to get lost when I decide I need to. My problem is I don't know if I really need to. I feel I have become hardened and distrustful to a fault. I think it is only natural to be overly cautious after having lived what I have in the past, but I don't think I give anyone a fair chance now.
If a man doesn't like pets, I automatically assume he is mean. I don't consider that his life may be too busy to properly care for an animal.
I don't want my naive innocence back, but I also don't want to be hard hearted and judgemental without cause. Is there a happy medium out there, and if so, how do I find it?
Am I destined to be alone forever, or is the only hope for me in a shrinks office?!
Any advice would be appreciated..........
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
In reply to: kellidawn1969
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 10:30am
Oh my, you sound like me. I have a HUGE trust issue when it comes to men. My ex (very recent ex) could never understand why I had such trust issues. Well, when every man you have been with has cheated on you, you tend to wonder if any man CAN be trusted. What does he do? Cheat on me! I was astounded, as he SAYS he has never cheated before. So what? I have a sign over my head that screams "CHEAT ON ME, I LIKE IT"? Anyway, it has led me to believe that I can not trust men, and has made me afraid of ever being in a relationship and giving my heart again. I think it just takes time, and that certain person that we will hopefully one day meet that we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we can trust. That we know will never do us wrong. Until that day comes, it's okay to have your guard up, but not so much that you can't let a single person in. You may be missing out on what could just be a wonderful friendship. Good luck to you, hon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: kellidawn1969
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 10:55am

Welcome!!

I think it is better to be too cautious than not enough.

If you LOVE pets, there is nothing wrong with nixing a man who doesn't like them. This shows that you are putting yourself first. And that is what you SHOULD do!

I think that if you participate here and share your dating stories as they happen, we can all pitch in with our advice and stories and that will help you a lot!

Good luck - hope you stick around.