New here--any single parent buddies?
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 08-05-2007 - 8:47pm |
I just started dating this summer, but I had to drop it when my nanny disappeared as I am one of those 24/7 moms. I feel so lost on the dating world after divorcing after 12 years of marriage. I feel as healed as I can be and ready for a relationship except for the "how do I have the time" aspect.
Since I left my ex over a year ago, I met a guy, D. He has two kids that are the same age as mine. At first I never thought much of him because I was not ready for anything, but he would often ask me to come over, cook for me, etc. We always got together when he had his kids so I kind of felt like we were just "playing house" without the romance. I told him when we first started hanging out that I could be nothing but friends because I was not legally divorced yet.
Since I have known him, he has also been on and off with a girl, who he tells everyone that his relationship with her has been unhealthy, and he could never take it to the next step, but he has had a hard time breaking it off with her for good. The first time I knew about this relationship was on a camping trip with a large group--she texted him and told him that no matter how cold it got, he could not snuggle with me. As soon as I realized this was going on, I told him that I was not interested in being in a triangle of any sort, and I backed off for a while. But they would break it off sometimes, and he would call me again to hang with our kids.
We did end up in NYC at the same time without kids and had a wonderful day on the town until he ran into her best friend (although they were broken up at the time, he was distracted by this). She is obviously very jealous of me even when they are "just friends" because she will constantly call when she knows I am with him. I got tired of the drama and backed off and got busy with my own life.
A couple of months ago he finally broke it off with her for good (I guess). He has been online dating, and we have been helping each other. He is constantly asking how far I let my dates go with me so I am starting to think he just wants a FWB situation (I am not about to let him steal my heart, though). We talk about how badly our dates have gone, but sometimes I feel like he is fishing for info. Problem is he is often unavailable because he is traveling overseas, and I am often unavailable because I have the kids 24/7.
But this week we are going on a 3 day trip together with our kids. I have not ruled him out of who I would date, but I have not totally ruled him in (because of that crazy relationship he had). We definitely have fun together, but I do think he is sometimes insecure--one time he pointed out how handsome my ex was as if he did not think he could compete (he is insecure about his looks). One time he told me he could not date me because I was too smart (he is definitely smarter than me!). However, I am not one to let my guard down unless I think the other person is interested, and I can't tell! Could this trip be a just friends adventure since the kiddos are with us? I am guessing he wants FWB because he is already talking about drinking by the pool together and watching the kids.

I wouldn't do a FWB situation if you're looking for a relationship: you won't bother if you're getting part of your needs satisfied by a physical relationship.
I have a story to share. It's about my past. I have previously dated (and married) men who were so obviously not on the same page as me in one way or another.
My first boyfriends who were somewhat serious were incredibly fun, a little wild, and definitely the "bad boy" types. I was a teen girl who got straight A's, never handed in an assignment late, and these guys were barely passing the "gimme" classes. Mostly due to laziness, or apathy. We were young, it was expected, and as expected the relationships never lasted all that long.
After my "bad boy" stage, I dated men who weren't on the same life path as me- they had no ambition, no desires, no future plans, no sense of self worth. The relationship couldn't possibly go anywhere since the guys didn't feel like leaving their houses- that would mean turning off the XBox.
Then came the guys who were, to put it bluntly, not playing with a full deck. I am certainly not Mensa material, but these guys were probably related to doornails. I knew those relationships were doomed- how many ways can you define boredom without hurting someone's feelings?
Then came the men who were not on par because of looks. Again, I'm not a supermodel, but I was ready willing to be seen by some people when with these guys- talk about thrilling relationships!
The point to my story is this- I had an epiphany about a year ago and now don't relive these mistakes. But prior to that, I was incredibly afraid of commitment, and so always chose men who were obviously ill suited to me in one way por another (or several all at once). If I chose guys with whom a long term relationship couldn't possibly work, and it didn't, I couldn't blame myself, since heck, I'd tried, and it just didn't work.
This way, I didn't have to actually try to make a viable relationship work, and NO ONE would dare cast stones when I ended one after another all of my life. Everyone else had seen from the beginning that we weren't a match. It took a LONG time for me to realize I was unconsciously, yet purposely, sabotaging all of my own relationships simply by choosing the wrong men to begin with.
The reason I bring this up is because there's something in the way you describe him- comparing himself negatively to your ex, telling you you're too smart- that makes me think he may be doing the same thing. He may purposely choose to date, and return time and again, to the "crazy, jealous, psycho" girlfriend, to keep the sane one at bay, and to keep himself from having any liability when the relationship fails, as it will inevitably. If it were someone who might actually be a match for him, and THAT failed, he'd have at least partial responsibility.
Again, I do not know you, or him, and may just be completely projecting my own past on your situation, but I wouldn't want you to be hurt.
Please stick around!
Moody, entirely too thoughtful today
Powered by CGISpy.com
Wow! I was trying to figure out after reading if YOU wrote that or I? LOL.
JS commented on that. That I was always seek those that weren't a match for me that I refused to date him because we were. After reading so much on the subject and learning more about myself especially lately, I have realized he made a excellent point.
I was finding stupid reasons NOT to date him, but not reasonable reasons. I had a reasonable reason to NOT date a whole bunch that did not fit to me, but I did. I know that it comes with that whole fear of commitment, etc. JS gets me. He knows to much about me to know the why. I used to talk to him about my fears in everything, because I knew he was safe, he was my best friend. Changing that into a relationship for me was a NEVER, because he could actually be something GREAT for me. Does that make sense? I was always out to punish myself in some sort of sick unhappy way. But I have come to finally realize and accept, like being a druggie or an alcoholic that what I was doing was unhealthy to my life and to the life of my children. Definitely not a role model I was proud of being, but I hope I can back pedal some of that when they return and show them what a true healthy relationship should really be (of course not right away, because I am going to wait until I announce JS and I being together, but in time).
Ok...we are off tomorrow. I do think at this time he just wants friends, but I don't think that was always the case. I did want to clarify that I was the one who said I caould not date him, and that was because my divorce wasn't final!
I do think you are right about him dating people that are not well-suited for him. It is funny because he says that he keeps asking himself why he was putting up with that girl for so long.
I will let you know how our trip goes! I am glad to find this board...it should be very helpful (I have a whole other post about another guy, but I am way too tired now!).
Kewl realization. Yes how many times do you need to be banged over the head to realize what you are doing.... ? LOL.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
Another way I look at it, I don't try to "force" relationships. If the woman does not want me then she is not ready IMHO.
Mark
I had to postpone my coffee with the MySpace woman because I had work. We sent the intention to meet on Saturday. That is another non-date in my mind (because it won't be romantic) since she'll be moving to Hawaii. Funny thing is that she was going to the same concert on Sunday that I was going to but we decided that won't work because I'll be with a friend.
Thanks for asking.
Mark