new here .. saying hello and a question
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| Tue, 06-10-2008 - 10:00pm |
hello all .. I'm new to this board, and very excited to be here ..
I've been separated for a year (but much longer emotionally) and have four children, ages 3, 5, 16 and almost 20 (yes all from my marriage! lol)
I've been dating here and there, secretly (my teens are not fools) and have recently met someone that I really like. I sat down with my teenagers (not the little ones, they are too young) and talked to them about the possibility of me dating, and though my 19 year old daughter is fine with it, my 16 year old son is having a really hard time.
I've pulled him aside and had some heart to hearts, and he tells me he just can't get used to the idea of his mom with another man. If I'm out late he calls me and asks me where I am. We all have cell phones and I keep in touch with them (the teens) frequently wherever I go. But this eratic behaviour is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do.
A little background on my situation - was with my husband for 19 years, I found out a couple of years ago that he had been unfaithful, then one affair turned into many, and I learned he had been unfaithful for many MANY years. After more than a year of counselling, I decided to end the marriage. All of the children live with me.
So what I'm looking for is how to handle dating, what do I tell my children, and when is it appropriate to have my fella over or include some of the children in our activities together. My current guy and I have been seeing each other for a month.
Thanks ladies!
Virginia
daughter 19, son 16, son 5, daughter 3

Welcome to the board!
"I've been separated for a year (but much longer emotionally)..."
Ok- YOU Have been separated longer than a year, whether emotionally, physically or mentally- but your CHILDREN haven't been.
Welcome to the board!
Hi and welcome!
I know exactly what you mean about being emotionally apart for a long time....
I agree with Alison (and Moon) here, too! Separated is not the same as fully divorced. And in the KIDS' eyes... it has not been that long. And if you've been together for 19 yrs, then the kids have known the 2 of you together for all their lives- so the adjustment to you NOT being together wouldn't be something they could get over very quickly. The betrayals of affairs during the marriage- were betrayals between you and your ex... not between the kids. So their process of dealing with the emotions and the separations... are NOT the same as they are for the adults. As well as their view on having someone new being introduced into the mix.
And on the other hand... dating someone for one month is a mere BLIP on the radar, IMO- and it's too soon to get the kids involved with someone so new.
IMO also- if you aren't fully divorced yet, it's not fair to yourself or the man you're dating- to get involved. I hope things work out for you (romantically) and I hope things work out for you as a family (you and the kids, co-parenting with the ex, etc)- but none of it will settle down overnight. Lots more time needs to pass, plus counseling for whoever needs it- to come to accept the reality of things as they are.
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Welcome to the board!
I'm going to deviate just a bit from the norm.
Well said, Eileen.