New here....date on Friday...HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
New here....date on Friday...HELP!
7
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 12:36pm

So I'm new here...yikes. In the process of a divorce but wanted to get back in the game to just get my feet wet. I have little to no dating experience. I went on three dates in my life and that was when I was 17. Met ex-hubby at 18 and we never really "dated"....that should have been my first clue! So after being together for 10 years we're divorced and I have NO idea what I'm doing!!

I went on one date a week or two ago and we didn't click but it was good to get "the first time" out of the way. My friend convinced me to join this free dating site, so I did, with very little intention of meeting anyone. Just so happens I start up an e-mail exchange with someone, we've been talking on the phone for about three weeks almost daily. I haven't been able to meet up with him because of my schedule but looks like Friday is the day!

So here is my problem...I like him. We get along really well via phone and now I'm actually nervous about a ton of things! Like...will I like him in person? Will he like ME in person? If it gets to this...how do you do a first kiss?!?! What are the signs that he doesn't like me? WHY AM I OVER THINKING THIS?!

I know I'm really not ready for a relationship and I'm just looking to have fun but I'm kinda scared because I can see myself going down that relationship road in my mind already and....crap....what's wrong with me!!

any and all advice is welcome :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 1:33pm

You are so me! I do the same thing. I've been out with my current guy just a few times but am already wondering where it's going, how we're going to handle 5 kids between us, where will we live...I'm driving myself crazy so I know how you feel. In addition, we had done the same thing, many phone calls and e-mails before we met and then came the big day and it worked out just great...so far.

My only advice is to go and meet him with the idea that if nothing else, you've met a new "friend". Enjoy the evening and try not to anticipate "the kiss" or lack of it, where it's going, etc. Believe me, I know this is hard since I have a hard time with it too. But I've found that if I go into it with little or no expectations, it works out more positively than when I over think it. I actually drove one guy away by constantly trying to figure out what was going on with him, if he liked me, if he saw this going somewhere. He got fed up and stopped calling me.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 1:51pm

Hahahahaha. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. Welcome to the wonderful world of dating.

The absolute first thing I would say is DO NOT worry about him liking you. If he does, you'll know because he'll ask to see you again, and it'll be pretty obvious. If he doesn't, it's completely and totally his loss. It does not in any way shape or form reflect on you.

If you like him, you will agree to another date. If you find that you simply aren't compatible, you will not agree, but decline graciously if he asks, and not fret over it if he doesn't. You will also chalk this one up to a learning experience. You have now learned some things that you aren't compatible with, and that's a great thing to know.

I know everyone will tell you to try not to think too much, but trust me, I am the QUEEN of overthinking everything. Seriously. I'm overhtinking your situation FOR you. See how nice I am? ;-) You are either the type of person who thinks, or you're the type who doesn't. I am totally the type of person who thinks.

Enjoy the butterflies and over thinking. Don't make yourself crazy, come here and we'll help you think, too!

And as far as the kiss- kiss him when you want to, it's a kiss, not a marriage proposal. Don't worry about it, pop a mint and plant one on him, if you're so inclined. If not, that's perfectly fine, too.

Moody, a thinker, too.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:09pm

Thank you so much already! I guess we're all freaks ;)
I actually feel a little more at ease knowing that this is normal. Who knew this would be so much more involved. I thought...oh I'll just go on dates, then i realized I HAVE TO GO ON DATES! Crazy...alright well, I'm going to enjoy it and go in with the idea that it will all work out no matter which way it goes.
*sigh* now I just have to believe it!

And ya, I'm already thinking...where is this going which is utterly ridiculous but I'm blaming it on a being brought up VERY religious and having the "perfect family" still in my head. I know...I'm a headcase!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:37pm

If you do enough of OLD, you will learn to not like the person so much while you're just in the communication phase of things. Written communication will only give a 10% idea of what that person is really like. Body language, voice quality, make up the other 90%.

Have fun. I'd be more worried that I'd be stuck on a bad date, then worrying if he liked me or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:53pm

This thread just makes me smile. Boy was I an overly analytical mess when I started dating after my divorce. I cringe at the thought of some of my e-mails to guys I'd had 1 date with that I met through OLD. Oh, and that nice guy a friend set me up with to be the first date after the divorce, what a martyr he was! What helped me get over it was journaling. Now if M (my BF of 7 mos) does something (or fails to do something) that triggers the gotta know why, turn it into a major ordeal thinking path, I just drag out that journal and write. No way do I express these thoughts to him. Hence, he thinks I'm the most together, rational, and mellow woman he's ever known. Hah! Not to say we don't talk about important issues, I just no longer take it to mean something if he doesn't call me as much one day as he usually does, or if he's late, or if he changes plans and can't meet me for lunch or something. Actually, by not expressing my insecure angst to him, I've started to be less insecure.
Enjoy the journey. Yes, you'll have some embarassing moments, but if you never see that guy again, who cares! Then when a really great guy comes along, you'll be ready and able to keep your cool.

QB, who is trying to keep her cool because M hasn't called yet today and usually does by now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 4:08pm

I remember thinking the same things...actually I still do...but try to relax. I met my ex husband when I was young too (19) and its hard to get back out there and start dating. It seems like a whole different experience now. We tend to jump ahead and wonder what flowers we'll have at the wedding before we've even had a first kiss! LOL...I think its natural so you're not alone.

Just remember that each first date is experience, kind of like job interviews. If nothing else you'll either make a new friend, cross one more guy off your list, or find someone you really enjoy spending time with and maybe more. If you feel like giving him a kiss at the end of your date do it, what do you have to lose? If he says he'd really like to get together again that alone is a great sign. As long as you are upfront about not being ready for a relationship. Some guys will be relieved to hear that and others (who are ready) will want to know which is only fair to them too.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

~ sekalen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:14pm
I agree with this post and think you have excellent advice in this thread - no matter what have fun and keep us posted!