You have to let go. Your son will always be better off with MORE of his dad in his life than less, unless there is abuse, alcohol or drugs involved.
There is nothing you can do about his dad dating. Obviously YOU are doing a lot right with your dating situation, but that doesn't mean you can control what his dad does do with him.
My exh did that with our son and there was stress but not enough for anyone to get really upset.
I think that those two are going to have their hands so full with a 4 year old that they are not going to do anything much else but tend to him. Little kids just have a way of getting enough attention.
So try to look at the good side and encourage them to spend the time.
If you have doubts, don't send him- as long as your doubts are concerning your son's welfare. Mine would be, knowing only what I've read from you here.
I would doubt that my child's father was on the "up-and-up" if I didn't even know where he lived. I certainly wouldn't let him go overnight somewhere else if he were on supervised visitation- and especially if there was a history of domestic abuse. Often, the man (or woman) doesn't start with abusing the children, but it leads up to that. Not a chance I'd be willing to take.
And if you have supervised visitation, and don't make all of the visits supervised, is that breaking your custody order? Obviously you had a good reason for supervised visits, good enough for a judge. Have those circumstances changed, so that you don't need the visits supervised anymore? I am one for sticking with my court orders, though, because I always feel like being the nice guy will only end up biting me in the... nose.... later.
As far as the girlfriend sleeping in the same bed, though, I am not sure that would even be my issue. It's a big deal to you, and I'm not trying to downplay it, but it seems to me you have bigger fish to fry here.
One more thing- you are your son's mother, and he knows that. Don't worry too much about another mother figure- if your ex ever does get remarried, he'll have a stepmother, not another mother. Since she's only his fwb at this point, I wouldn't worry too much about her. No woman can ever be a threat to your relationship with your son as long as it's a healthy relationship to begin with.
Just my opinion, hope everyone else chimes in, too!
My son's dad had supervised visitation on account of alcohol abuse and abuse of me, not my son. He has had a handful of over nights with his dad who was living with another woman.
For me, having the other woman there was security. I imagined that my ex would try to be super dad to impress her and I was pretty much right. My son eventually became pretty close with this woman, who was caring and loving to him, was pretty much the responsible parent figure.
As a single parent, you can drive yourself nuts by worrying abotu everything or you can sit back and pick the important battles. think about this woman as a chaparone if you must follow through with the visit. Chanses are it will be fine. Even if they mess around a bit in bed, your son will probably be totally crashed out from all the excitement of the travel.
For all thr grief my kids dad caused me, the little time he spent with our son was important to our son. Now my son is 7. We have not heard from his dad in almost a year. It may be that his dad fades away, but at least my son knows his dad, I didn't "keep him from him," I just ensured the visits were safe.
It will be hard to let go of some of those worries, but if you think your ex and his new friend will be reasonable responsible and not let the drinking get out of hand, it will be fun for your son. It may be what he needs for closure, to accept that you are not going to be together with his dad again.
Also about having anotehr mother figure. As a single working mom, my son has had a lot of mommy figures in the way of daycare workers. The more the better. It's all love, good warm caring love and it is healthy for the childs self esteem to get lots of hugs from all around. I was very happy when I found him daycare with several surrogate mommies rather than cold sterile teacher types when he was younger.
take care and if he does go, make sure to have a date or a girls night out so you don't stay home and worry!
It sounds like you have major issues with your exh which include domestic violence and trust not to mention common sense. It is not normal for the mom to not know where the dad lives. In this case I would urge you to listen to your own instincts. Just make sure you are staying legal, okay? I don't want to see you in trouble!!
Hmm, hearing about how his life changed so dramatically and the loose ammo etc, makes me rethink my previous post...a lot!
I would go by the court orders. To the "T." Get communications from him in writing. No visits unless he provides phone and address, location of visit, has court approved supervision... The court orders are there to protect you and your son. Use them to that advantage.
My ex is predictable in his chaos at least. Yours sound different that way and I would be wary of the situation too.
I would stick to court orders for now until you see a good stable track record for a while. If you do not have to send overnight, then don't do it. You can explain that they can take him and enjoy him for the day - but bring him back at night until everyone becomes more comfortable with the situation. The slow weaning process is always better.
When I mentioned "letting go" in my earlier post, I meant you have to let go of trying to control what your exh does with your son. But I meant this with minor stuff - what they do, what they eat, stuff like that. I did not mean playing with guys, watching someone have sex, anything to do with drugs or alcohol, anything really harmful, dangerous or illegal.
It is best if you can nurture their relationship. A dad adds quite a bit to a child's life, and especially when it is a son.
I think when you see your son happy with his dad that it will get a little easier. I am quite sure that the GF will not ever become a mother figure or replace you. Hopefully she will be a special friend and she will add stability to your exh's life in some way.
How does he treat his other daughter? Is there anything alarming there?
Well it sure sounds wonderful that you did do stuff as a family; most would not be able to do that but I do know some that do and think everyone involved is happier that way. And it is great that your mom and step mom were such good mentors for you. What a happy and healthy memory!!
I think that given a little time you will do okay. Perhaps it will be good for you to meet the new gf? You just need time to adjust to everything new. Your son will look to you for guidance and commentary. If you can, you should reassure him that while mommy and daddy do not live together, they will always be his mommy and daddy that love him and are there for him. I think that if he is able to see his father on a regular basis that will help him feel more secure. He will watch you a lot and look to you to know what to do, especially in his early years.
It is good too that you have someone in your life!! Tell us more about him?
You have to let go. Your son will always be better off with MORE of his dad in his life than less, unless there is abuse, alcohol or drugs involved.
There is nothing you can do about his dad dating. Obviously YOU are doing a lot right with your dating situation, but that doesn't mean you can control what his dad does do with him.
My exh did that with our son and there was stress but not enough for anyone to get really upset.
I think that those two are going to have their hands so full with a 4 year old that they are not going to do anything much else but tend to him. Little kids just have a way of getting enough attention.
So try to look at the good side and encourage them to spend the time.
I do agree with spending time.
If you have doubts, don't send him- as long as your doubts are concerning your son's welfare. Mine would be, knowing only what I've read from you here.
I would doubt that my child's father was on the "up-and-up" if I didn't even know where he lived. I certainly wouldn't let him go overnight somewhere else if he were on supervised visitation- and especially if there was a history of domestic abuse. Often, the man (or woman) doesn't start with abusing the children, but it leads up to that. Not a chance I'd be willing to take.
And if you have supervised visitation, and don't make all of the visits supervised, is that breaking your custody order? Obviously you had a good reason for supervised visits, good enough for a judge. Have those circumstances changed, so that you don't need the visits supervised anymore? I am one for sticking with my court orders, though, because I always feel like being the nice guy will only end up biting me in the... nose.... later.
As far as the girlfriend sleeping in the same bed, though, I am not sure that would even be my issue. It's a big deal to you, and I'm not trying to downplay it, but it seems to me you have bigger fish to fry here.
One more thing- you are your son's mother, and he knows that. Don't worry too much about another mother figure- if your ex ever does get remarried, he'll have a stepmother, not another mother. Since she's only his fwb at this point, I wouldn't worry too much about her. No woman can ever be a threat to your relationship with your son as long as it's a healthy relationship to begin with.
Just my opinion, hope everyone else chimes in, too!
Moody
Powered by CGISpy.com
Sounds a lot like my situation a few years back.
My son's dad had supervised visitation on account of alcohol abuse and abuse of me, not my son. He has had a handful of over nights with his dad who was living with another woman.
For me, having the other woman there was security. I imagined that my ex would try to be super dad to impress her and I was pretty much right. My son eventually became pretty close with this woman, who was caring and loving to him, was pretty much the responsible parent figure.
As a single parent, you can drive yourself nuts by worrying abotu everything or you can sit back and pick the important battles. think about this woman as a chaparone if you must follow through with the visit. Chanses are it will be fine. Even if they mess around a bit in bed, your son will probably be totally crashed out from all the excitement of the travel.
For all thr grief my kids dad caused me, the little time he spent with our son was important to our son. Now my son is 7. We have not heard from his dad in almost a year. It may be that his dad fades away, but at least my son knows his dad, I didn't "keep him from him," I just ensured the visits were safe.
It will be hard to let go of some of those worries, but if you think your ex and his new friend will be reasonable responsible and not let the drinking get out of hand, it will be fun for your son. It may be what he needs for closure, to accept that you are not going to be together with his dad again.
Also about having anotehr mother figure. As a single working mom, my son has had a lot of mommy figures in the way of daycare workers. The more the better. It's all love, good warm caring love and it is healthy for the childs self esteem to get lots of hugs from all around. I was very happy when I found him daycare with several surrogate mommies rather than cold sterile teacher types when he was younger.
take care and if he does go, make sure to have a date or a girls night out so you don't stay home and worry!
It sounds like you have major issues with your exh which include domestic violence and trust not to mention common sense. It is not normal for the mom to not know where the dad lives. In this case I would urge you to listen to your own instincts. Just make sure you are staying legal, okay? I don't want to see you in trouble!!
Welcome. We are always glad to be of help.
Thanks to you and everyone else who has responded.
Hmm, hearing about how his life changed so dramatically and the loose ammo etc, makes me rethink my previous post...a lot!
I would go by the court orders. To the "T." Get communications from him in writing. No visits unless he provides phone and address, location of visit, has court approved supervision... The court orders are there to protect you and your son. Use them to that advantage.
My ex is predictable in his chaos at least. Yours sound different that way and I would be wary of the situation too.
Best. :)
I would stick to court orders for now until you see a good stable track record for a while. If you do not have to send overnight, then don't do it. You can explain that they can take him and enjoy him for the day - but bring him back at night until everyone becomes more comfortable with the situation. The slow weaning process is always better.
When I mentioned "letting go" in my earlier post, I meant you have to let go of trying to control what your exh does with your son. But I meant this with minor stuff - what they do, what they eat, stuff like that. I did not mean playing with guys, watching someone have sex, anything to do with drugs or alcohol, anything really harmful, dangerous or illegal.
It is best if you can nurture their relationship. A dad adds quite a bit to a child's life, and especially when it is a son.
I think when you see your son happy with his dad that it will get a little easier. I am quite sure that the GF will not ever become a mother figure or replace you. Hopefully she will be a special friend and she will add stability to your exh's life in some way.
How does he treat his other daughter? Is there anything alarming there?
Yea.
Well it sure sounds wonderful that you did do stuff as a family; most would not be able to do that but I do know some that do and think everyone involved is happier that way. And it is great that your mom and step mom were such good mentors for you. What a happy and healthy memory!!
I think that given a little time you will do okay. Perhaps it will be good for you to meet the new gf? You just need time to adjust to everything new. Your son will look to you for guidance and commentary. If you can, you should reassure him that while mommy and daddy do not live together, they will always be his mommy and daddy that love him and are there for him. I think that if he is able to see his father on a regular basis that will help him feel more secure. He will watch you a lot and look to you to know what to do, especially in his early years.
It is good too that you have someone in your life!! Tell us more about him?