New Here.....What to do?
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| Sat, 02-10-2007 - 6:10pm |
I have been lerker for quite some time - so I know I am coming to the right place.
I am a divorced mom of one for the past 4 years (Married 10 years) and I don't really date very much. A year after my marriage ended, I had what would be defined as a "transitional" relationship with a guy for about a year. We parted friends over two years ago and although I have gone on dates, they have never progressed further either on my part or theirs. I am not promiscuous, so I don’t have casual sex....until recently.
I met this guy and we hit it off and he asked me out. The first date was great, lasted 6 hours and I was so excited when he asked me out again. He has no children and has never been married which usually makes me very weary when dating someone. However, both times he would ask me what schedule works for me and we work around it. That to me was a great sign that he was concience of my parental responsibilites. He said he was a child of a single mom so he understood. He was attractive, intelligent, chivalrous. We had a lot in common and I really really liked this one because since my divorce 4 years ago, I have never felt this way about a guy. Well needless to say, that night we went to his place (I had been to his place on the first date and he was a perfect gentleman)and we had started talking. Then he kissed me for the first time and one thing led to another and we had sex. I know its a cliché to say but that is not like me. I was so shocked by my own behavior, I babbled in passing that I had not had sex in two years and I got to go. So I picked up, got dressed and he walked me out. He told me he would call me tomorrow, and of course I never heard from him.
Now my closest friends said I rejected him and I should call. So I called him a couple of weeks later and left a message of apology saying "If I don’t hear from you, I understand." So of course I did not hear from him and I understood. My friends say I sounded cold and disinterested and that is probably why he has not called. Now that you have the scoop, here is my question........
It has been over two months and I have gone on those typical dates that don’t go anywhere, I have met jerks in bars and I am totally sick of the online dating thing. I really liked this guy and never got the chance to see if it ever could have developed into anything. I have thought about calling him up and casually asking him out, but I freeze because I am afraid of sounding desperate. He may have even moved on and be dating someone else. Do I shrug my shoulders and accept that I might have let the right man slip through my fingers or do I attempt to ask him out? And if I should ask him out, how do I do it when I am so embarrassed by my own behavior and may have embarrassed him in the process?
Sorry for being so long winded, but my friends are either married or involved, so I need help from the experts that understand where I am coming from.......Thanks for listening!!!

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It has been over two months and I have gone on those typical dates that don’t go anywhere, I have met jerks in bars and I am totally sick of the online dating thing. I really liked this guy and never got the chance to see if it ever could have developed into anything. I have thought about calling him up and casually asking him out, but I freeze because I am afraid of sounding desperate. He may have even moved on and be dating someone else. Do I shrug my shoulders and accept that I might have let the right man slip through my fingers or do I attempt to ask him out? And if I should ask him out, how do I do it when I am so embarrassed by my own behavior and may have embarrassed him in the process?
Sorry for being so long winded, but my friends are either married or involved, so I need help from the experts that understand where I am coming from.......Thanks for listening!!!>>
Holy moly, I could have written this post, especially the above part! My adivce is to move on.
It's been two months. Whatever way you might have come off, he obviously isn't the right one for you. That's only my opinion, though.
I don't call, but I think leaving any type of apology is something I would avoid at all costs. I would also not say "If I don't hear from you, I understand."... mostly because I DON'T understand. Sex complicates things sometimes... but if a guy was truly into you before you had sex, he'd still be into you after.
I have had non-public contact with a couple of guys lately who I really seemed to have a connection with. However, it didn't pan out, after the making out, or sex, or whatever it was that transpired. I don't understand men- if the connection was that great, though, they wouldn't bail at the first sign of intimacy. Obviously, they were looking for more, or got exactly what they were looking for, or whatever.
Men aren't the only ones who do this, by the way. Sometimes women bail, simply because they don't want to be in a relationship with that particular guy. It doesn't make any of them bad people, but it sure would be a heck of a lot less frustrating for everyone if people could just be honest from the beginning about what they were looking for.
Anyhow, I'm really rambling here, but welcome. My take is that he's not worth your time. If he wanted to see you again, your first call would have propelled him into action- but he probably wouldn't have waited for you to make that first call. He'd have called YOU the next day, or shortly thereafter, and asked to see you again.
I think this one can be chalked up to lessons learned- and I'm not going to say wait to have sex, since I think sex is a personal decision. Some people do it more casually than others, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm going to say don't apologize, don't be understanding if he doesn't call, and don't take any crap. If the next guy does the same thing- it's the guy's problem. Not yours. You have nothing to apologize for.
Also, people treat us the way we allow them to. By telling a guy you understand if he doesn't call, you're really giving him permission to not call. If you simply wait, see if he calls, and move on if he doesn't- and if he calls a month later and you're not simply understanding that he's been MIA, you're teaching him that women can't be treated like that.
Moody, voting this dud off the island
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I dunno, this is kinda typical i think. For me anyway, guys act interested then wont bother taking things further or calling. Who knows what guys think anyways? But i have to agree, if he has your number/knows where you live and hasnt tried contacting you, i doubt he is interested for the long run. Time to move on, which is always easier said than done, i know. Wouldnt it be nice if they just said exactly what they were thinking and told you exactly what they wanted straight up? Then there would be no stuffing around on anyones part. Well, i can dream lol...
-Steph
Welcome!
If I was you I would let this one go and just get over it. He had fun for one night but if he wanted more you would know. I would not worry as to "why" because why doesn't matter when he simply has no further interest.
But there is always another one to come along and hopefully you will do better the next time.
Keep us posted - hope you stick around and join in our discussions.
WOW - not what I expected. So you guys say it does not matter that I initiated the sex or that I was the one that left afterwards?
I guess I was looking at his side as if it would have happened from a female perspective. The way I behaved I was not sure if he could he tell I was freaked out by the my own emotions or was I just a flake? Or frankly even if he cared either way.
I guess I need to learn from this one and try to live a little more.
Because you're new to the dating scene again, you probably haven't had to experience much of this.
Women initiate sex a lot. You're probably not the first woman he's had come on to him. Women also leave- especially if it's the guy's place. Sometimes they leave rather quickly, since they don't want to come off as clingy or needy.
The fact that you called after, gave him a chance to call back, and he hasn't probably means that he isn't into you. It really doesn't matter why. This was an eye opening experience for you, and now you get to see how you'll act next time.
Moody, scratching him off your list
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