New, with Older Kids
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New, with Older Kids
| Sun, 08-14-2005 - 8:48am |
Hi there, I am new to this board...I am 39 years old, and have been divorced since my 6 year old son
| Sun, 08-14-2005 - 8:48am |
Hi there, I am new to this board...I am 39 years old, and have been divorced since my 6 year old son
Gina,
Welcome to the board.
While others will give advice, you need to really look at what would be best for your children. Since your daughter was so devastated when your last relationship didn't work out, then it's best to keep it guarded a little longer. At her age, she's got a lot of new things on her plate with hormones and boys coming up. While it's ok to just hold off a little longer, at some point you will have to decide if the relationship is going to be moving forward with this man, and if it is, you should at least talk to the kids about it.
I think sitting down (once you know it's serious) and telling them about the man you're now dating, and ask them about their feelings and if they have any concerns. Not pushing them into a meeting is probably best, but allowing the kids to know what's going on in your *other life* and how it's going to affect them. Ask for their feedback about how and when THEY would like to meet him.
I know we have a tendency to always want to protect our children, they also have to learn that some people come and go in our lives.
Tell us a little more about where you met him, and a little more about your kids.
Alison
Welcome!! I am also from Florida!!
Of course there are all different opinions on this subject and I am sure you will get some good ones on our board. None are right or wrong - just opinions and you can pick and choose as you will.
I can give you my opinion based on what I would do.
I think it is always better to err on the side of keeping things stable for the kids. This means keeping your private life private in my opinion. Children of divorce do face unique difficulties from having their parents live apart and especially when they do not have a dad in their life on a regular basis.
I would not bring them into it until I was pretty sure the relationship has a good chance of working for me. It seems after 6 months that you can tell if a relationship has momentum and if you are compatible and going in the right direction and the guy is into you and reliable and wants a relationship and doesn't mind the idea of dating a single mom.
At that time, I would only introduce my kids to my date/SO as a more casual friend/date. I would tell the kids that adult dating/companionship is sometimes complicated and that I don't know how long it will last. I would reassure them that I have their best interest at heart and even though they may like someone and want them to stay that I have the ultimate decision. And that if it doesn't work it has nothing to do with them.
I would take care not to let them do too much and get too attached until marriage is being discussed.
I would definitely be conservative. And I know that would be good for me to help keep boundaries and not let the relationship go too fast.
At the same time, I would want to allow enough time for everyone together after it is serious so I can see the compatibility of my family with my SO.
I hope this helps. I think that your gut feeling is usually your best bet. I know you will get good advice here.
Maybe you can strike up some conversations on dating with your daughter - spend time with her one on one and explain the importance of choosing the right person and having good expectations of how to be treated. Let her talk about her emotions and how she was upset.
Stay and post with us!! We are here to help you at any time!!
Thanks for the warm welcome! My hesitation, mostly, is both guys the kids met, I was convinced I would marry!
Gina/39/FL
I think that now is a great time to talk to your daughter about dating - the whole process - and about what to look for - what you have to have - and what you can't stand.
I think it is great that you brought up your intentions to the guy now. And I like that you are doing the best for your kids and making him wait.
I am a bit old fashioned in that I think that if you do not have boundaries and "tiers" to a relationship then what is the reason to be monogamous before sex or to want to be married before living together.
In your case, you will do well not allow him to be all palsy walsy with the children and so comfortable in your life unless he is willing to give you a ring. That speaks volumes about your character and that is they kind of girl that a guy will want to marry.
Good luck and keep us posted!! I am so glad you joined us. Your picture is very pretty!!