New one on the block

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
New one on the block
10
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 11:50pm
Hi everyone,
I have followed this board for sometime and thought it was time to jump in and meet everyone. I am the Mom of three beautiful daughters, ages 22, 19 and 10. The two older girls are by my first husband.My 22 year old just graduated from college and lives in our town. My 19 year old lives and goes to school in Texas with her dad, and has since May.My 10 year old is in the fifth grade and lives with me. Her dad and I have been split since Feb 07 and should be divorced by next month. We were married 11 years and together for 16. I have been in the middle of all the paperwork for this- as you can guess, he isn't willing to do what is involved to finish what he started, and it is sooooo stressful. Since he cheated and moved in with his GF, it has been a very hurtful time for me. About 3 weeks ago I just ended things with a man I had dated for almost a year.I'll call him YM. He was a good guy, 9 years younger than I, lots of fun, made me feel HOT and helped me get over the EX, but very insecure and clingy. Wanted to be more serious than I did. I felt smothered. I have so many irons in the fire and I also have had an ongoing attraction with one of my contractors- My girlfriends and I refer to him as HP- Hot Plumber! (I am in the home trades)and of course, I know that contributed to my inability to commit. Attraction distraction I call it! I knew I couldn't stay with YM for the rest of my life, that if he really were right I wouldn't be thinking of someone else.I didn't want to be unfair to him any longer.Meanwhile the saga with the HP continues! Needless to say this all adds up to a really busy, never dull, but stressful life! So I look forward to talking with you all, contributing and getting your input as I learn to live in this new life!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 12:42pm

Welcome,
I'm bumping this up as it seems to have gotten lost in the flurry of posts we typically have on this board.

My only comment on your post is that if you've been reading this board you know we recommend waiting until the divorce is done, signed off, over, before moving on to other relationships. It is for just those reasons you mention, the stress of trying to start with someone new while still involved in the drama that comes from divorce is not conducive to building a new strong relationship. It's fine to have those "healing" or "rebound" relationships, as long as you and the guy involved know it will likely not last. It's all part of the process of recovery from divorce.

So keep posting, chime in where you feel appropriate, and welcome again.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 1:08pm

Welcome aboard!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 2:31pm

I waited for much the same reasons. There was no way my fidelity, or ethics ever came into question. PB was trying to deny he cheated, yet OW was living with him as soon as he moved out of our house. Just friends, QB is overreacting- riiight. And I sure did use the time during the divorce process and immediately after to work on me and healing from the loss of my marriage.

The "outlaws"! Love that, so appropriate.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 2:45pm

Hello and Welcome!


We are glad you have joined us! Your life sounds full and without a dull moment. We look forward to your input and stories. You are wise to figure things out with YG and to make those (sometimes difficult) decisions. As for the plumber..well any handyman eye candy is never a bad thing. Looking forward to hearing your updates..


Welcom again!

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 3:01pm

Welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 3:31pm
Thanks everyone for your wise words. The last several months have been quite a journey, and with the divorce almost final I have learned so much about myself.I am alot stronger, speak my mind more and am learning to be content and find the joy in my life- The grass is definitely greener and now I know how to mow it!The reason I broke it off with YM is for the very reasons you mentioned.I realized I needed to find myself before I could be a great partner and have a relationship with someone else. Thanks again, I look forward to the wise advice from this board!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 3:49pm

You know that karma bus we keep waiting for??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 4:06pm

Sounds like you have a similar X in-law situation to mine. Your son is old enough to be responsible for making his own arrangements with them and finding out on his own the pitfalls of dealing with people who seem to believe their time is far more important than anyone else's. A mature grown up would understand that the kid chose work (responsible kid there) and meeting his sister and mother for a special event in his sister's life. Nothing more than a "I'm sorry, but I have to cancel the plans we had" and a brief explanation was needed. If his father's family want to turn it into some horrible family rift- that is their problem.

And don't sweat the blame game. I am so past dealing with my X's family and their manipulative ways. After the last disappearing act when my X snuck off to Mexico with our kids and refused to tell me where he was when he was not home to make the custody switch, and my X in-laws refused to tell me where they were and lied to the cops to protect their son, I've written the whole lot of them off. It's a relief, actually.

So to the original poster, look at all the fun times in your future as you negotiate the new relationship you'll have with your X in-laws. LOL

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 4:24pm

Hi!


I'm new here too (de-lurking).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 9:58pm
You are right- probably too young for the cougar label!You have it pegged with YM. When my EX left me for OW- a tramp and skanky ugly to boot, it had my self esteem pretty low. As happens on "the separation diet" I lost 40 pounds and started to look and feel great. When I met YM he was super romantic, liked to go and do all the time,very physical and liked the way I looked. He was exactly what I needed to get over the EX at the time. However what started out as just what i needed, grew to be just what drove me nuts about him. I realized I just wasn't ready for the commitment of being with someone all the time and the relationship started to feel superficial.HP is 45 (I am 46, my EX was 4 yrs. older). I am an Interior Designer and construction consultant. He is the owner of the plumbing company I use, so we run into each other alot. Nothing has ever gone on between us but we have been attracted to each other for over a year. We have acknowledged the attraction to each other but he was dating someone and I was seeing YM. We have talked alot and become good friends. He has given me great advice about my business. I think he is Hot, but my attraction to him is different, in that it has turned into friendship, and the fact that he is as strong a personality as I am. About a month ago we started working on a job again and the attraction distraction started again.Text back and forth, chatting on job etc. However I am trying to look the other way on it and keep it just where it is for now. I am really committed to getting through my divorce before I start any relationship with him or anyone else.This divorce is lots of work and very emotionally draining- thought I was over most of the trama, but this has stirred it back up. All in all, Age didn't turn out to be too big an issue for me- Although I did have 2 dates with a guy who was 29, I felt I was with my SON! LOL! What is important is that I know what I want and don't want to settle. I want someone I can be comfortable with who shares my interests.Of course HOT isn't bad to put in the mix either!