New Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
New Relationship
6
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 11:35am
Hello, Ive been divorced for 19mths now with 2 children, was married for 19 yrs. I met a man last year and we dated for about a month but decided neither of us were ready for a serious relationship so we just remained friends. We didnt see each other but we frequently spoke by phone. Just recently we went out for a drink (June 1st) and have been seeing each other every Friday night since then. We continue to talk by phone, he calls me everyday and things are going fine. He too is divorced, just over 2 yrs and we share an open friendly relationship. Neither of us is looking for marriage but we havent stated that we are "exclusive" either. I am not seeing anyone else and he isnt either, we just haven't had "the talk" about exclusivity. We recently became intimate which has been so wonderful for both of us because neither of us has been with anyone since our spouses. It feels so great to have a special someone in my life again and sometimes the feelings overwhelm me but in a good way. I am leaving for a trip tomorrow for a week so we wont see each other and I think its actually a good time for that. Im wondering if anything needs to be said upon my return about my expectations without scaring him away. Is it too soon to have the talk? He's not real open about sharing his inner feelings with me, I just assume his affection for me is the same as mine for him. He just doesnt say much. I feel like a school kid again, im so happy but a little confused too. Havent dated anyone in 20 years! Is this guy my boyfriend? LOL Help.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:00pm
The only way to know for sure is to talk about it. Maybe after a bit you can bring it up in casual conversation. Congrats for finding someone special - he sounds nice and it is great that you could be friends and now be more. You are certainly both in a safe zone as far as time after the divorce - so that is good. Keep us posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:47am
Just got back from a week and a half vacation. My friend called me every day that I was away, 2 and 3 times a day. He told me he missed me and my company which felt so great to hear. I toldh im Id call him when I got home so he knew I was safe. Upon my return I did call him and he said he would stop over after work (he works sat nites) he stopped by my house and when I opened the front door we greeted each other with a huge smile and a long tight hug. He said I was a sight for sore eyes! I nearly melted. We only visited for about an hour because he had to pick up his son but the time spent together was so great. He told me all he thought about was me while I was away, and how much he missed me. This is big, he normally doesnt share feelings like that. We were going to get together the next day but I was so busy getting settled and he had things to do. I was kinda bummed about that, I really wanted to see him but it didnt happen. I'll probably see him this Friday as I normally do, some times its tough just seeing him once a week, especially after being away for a week and a half. Im hoping we will be able to spend more time together as things progress because things are really good between us. That's the update since my last post. I do have a concern, his daughter is having a birthday party this weekend (Saturday) and he will be attending where is Xwife and her new boyfriend will be in attendance. He's apprehensive about it, I told him to just go, smile, put on a happy face and be there for his daughter. He hasnt asked me to go with him which is OK, but the fact that he's bothered by the Xwife's bf being there makes me wonder. Why should he care? She divorced him, she's moved on and so has he. Maybe Im thinking too much about it. Any thoughts on this???
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 11:15am

I can give some insight into this.

I am beyond the "ex-wife jealous of ex-husband's girlfriend" drama - and my ex-husband's girlfriend is my MARRIED ex best friend! (That's a long story best left for another time).

We have moved to the point (after being divorced 6 years) of congenial friendship. We discuss the kids, converse about each other's jobs, and even tell each other jokes. When my ex's cousin came to visit on Sunday (someone I hadn't seen SINCE the divorce), he wanted my son to visit them - since it was MY weekend, he invited me too. It's all very civil.

I am beyond it - I have moved on - and so has he. But the sight of his girlfriend, in HIS kitchen cooking HIS dinner (something that was MY job), discussing with MY ex mother in law her health, and treating my ex-husband's family (of which I was a part for 20 years) like HER family still gets me.

Every so often, I'll rant about it for about 30 seconds. Then I'm done.

So don't worry - it's a natural feeling for your friend to be apprehensive about spending time with his ex and her boyfriend - it's uncomfortable and awkward - but it will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:34pm
For right now I would not worry too much - maybe you can get him to talk about why or give more details after the fact? But I think that is an awkward situation for anyone. Hopefully it gets easier in time and especially since he has you! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:41pm
Thank you so much, very nice of you to say. We talk about everything so Im sure Ill hear all about it. Just tough seeing him get all upset and preoccupied. Maybe cause Im so over my X, he doesnt have any control over my thoughts or emotions any more but we all heal in different times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:46pm

I am really over my exh and the dust has settled. We pretty much know how to get along and focus on our DS. But I would not like to have to go to a place with him and his girlfriend or even me and my boyfriend. For some reason I just like to do my own thing.

I can see where a guy would sort of feel rejected or nervous about seeing his xw with someone else. I mean, that really isn't the way it was supposed to be.

But at any rate, if I was you, I would stay positive and be there for him. And just observe over time. Hopefully it is just a case of nerves. Sometimes what we imagine in our heads is much worse than the way it really is.