newbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
newbie
11
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 9:29am

Hi all, I'm a newbie to this board. I am a mother of 1 beautiful little 21 month old girl. She is my world. I've been lurking around and recently have bumped into problems dating and thought I could use some support and advise. My story is simple...My daughters father is not in the pic, never even laid eyes on her and wants no part in her life. It took me a while to get back out and date again after she was born. This past Feb to be exact. He was someone I'd dated in the past so that made it easier. I told him ahead of time that I'd had a baby and he was fine with that. After dating 2 months he suddenly decides he can't handle the fact I have a child, so it's over. Is this what I have to look forward to with all men. He hadn't even met her because I wasn't ready for that step and neither was he, but why knowing all that time that I had her would he just change up like that. He and I have been friends since we were in high school so I've lost him as a friend as well as my SO. It just makes me sad. So please give me some good news and tell me there are good men out there that want to date women with kids.


Kristi

Lilypie 2nd Birthday Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
In reply to: kristikat1231
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 9:53am

Hi Kristi, and welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1998
In reply to: kristikat1231
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 10:42am
Hi Kristi :o)
I'm new to this so I really have no idea! Although I think it's probably a good thing he told you now rather than a year down the track ........

 



Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
In reply to: kristikat1231
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 11:59am

I guess I forgot to mention age, it is a big factor. We are both 31


Kristi

Lilypie 2nd Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: kristikat1231
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 12:19pm

I honestly think that if you're looking in your 30's you are much more likely to find a family-oriented man - if you look in the right places.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: kristikat1231
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 12:57pm

Welcome, Kristi!


I'm sorry things didn't' work out with him, and you feel you have lost a friend. He does not sound like too much of a good friend anyway if he won't even be a friend because you have a baby. Dating wise- I imagine that he went in thinking he was ready but then got real with himself- he's not ready to handle it- and so at least it is better to know this now instead of later when you and your DD were more attached to him. He may be young and selfish but at least it's done before you could get really hurt and really involved, like years down the road.


No, not all guys are like that! There are men out there who who will love you for who you are and the stage of life you are in and will lovingly accept your DD. Men with kids themselves are more likely to relate. Higher risk guys are the younger types who really do not know what they want yet-

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
In reply to: kristikat1231
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 1:59pm

((((HUGS))))

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
In reply to: kristikat1231
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 10:21pm

hi and welcome,


granted i am older, just turned 45, and have been divorced and dating since I was 38, and i can honestly say that I have not encountered one guy who chose not to date me due to the kids.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
In reply to: kristikat1231
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 12:21am

Although it didn't end well, the fact that you put off introducing your child to him speaks very well of you.

For me, I dated a man without kids shortly after my divorce and it didn't work very well. He was fun to be with, but just didn't understand the constraints of having kids.

Now I'm dating a man who is older than I am, but we both have 5 yr olds. The kids get along well and we have a lot to discuss/complain/celebrate with each other in terms of kid issues. My Best Friend is dating and now moving in with a man who has no kids. He doesn't want to have any, and treats her children as he would his own. Works for them.

Really its all about finding someone who accepts you and yours as they are. Those guys are definitely out there, they just might be harder to find at first. You may want to adjust your perception of what you find attractive, because someone who "can't handle kids" sounds like a kid themselves. Good luck :) You'll do fine out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
In reply to: kristikat1231
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 8:29pm

Thanks for all the advice. It has been a few days since we split and I've had time to think about things and he was a big kid when I really thought about it. In the beginning he mentioned wanting kids often but later I started to see little signs that he was having second thoughts. I was in denial I guess. I just wish he had told me as soon as he began to feel that way instead of dragging it out because he was trying not to hurt my feelings again.

Lilypie 2nd Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: kristikat1231
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 8:36pm

"recently have bumped into problems dating and thought I could use some support and advise."

Welcome - you have come to the right place!! Sorry to hear of your troubles. I think you just have to wait for the right guy - who wants a family and a settled life. Sounds like this one would have jumped ship eventually even if you didn't have a kid. And really there is nothing wrong with his preference it is his preference.

Maybe if you dated before he wanted the same person - someone carefree with no responsibilities and can only dote on him - and now you have grown and have much more in your life.

Hang in there - take good care of you and your new little one - and everything else will fall into place when the time is right. As long as you think about what makes you happy then the right one will find you and appreciate you.

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