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| Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:42am |
Hello Everyone,
Do you mind if I join you? I have been lurking for a few days but you seem like a nice bunch and I'd like to do more than lurk. I could use a few new friends.
My name is Amy and I'm 31. My divorce will be final in a couple of weeks probably. Feb 14 marked one year that my husband left. We were married only a few years and had a few kids in that time. I've got 4 year old identical twin girls and a 2 year old son.
The divorce itself has been amicable as these things go. My X was a rotten husband but is a good X, I guess. He takes the kids when he's supposed to, pays me on time, etc. However, the whole thing has broken my heart and I'm having a hard time moving one. It isnt that I want my X anymore, but I still feel angry about what he did to us, sad, and rejected, afraid, and overwhelmed by the prospect of being alone taking care of the kids.
We live with my parents until I finish grad school this spring. I'll have my degree in speech pathology. I'm eager to work, get us our own place, and someday, to date. I realize I'm not quite ready to date yet but I'm very lonely. I'm a very committed, emotional, loving type of person. I like being in relationships. I loved being married. Only my husband didn't. To make a long story short, I married someone who turned out to be a porn addict. Didnt know what was going on for most of the marriage. I just knew that he wouldnt touch me and told me it was my fault, for various reasons. We fought so bad. Then one day he came home and told me that we would have to leave our apartment and move in with family because we had no money (I was busy with 3 babies and wasnt too involved with finances at the time.) I was upset but wanted to be understanding. We were moved out within a week. A few days before we left, we were having one of those "Why wont you have sex with me???" fights that we had all the time and all of the sudden he decided to actually tell me the truth. He told me that he would rather have computer porn than me. The "other woman" was the computer. I dont have to tell you that that was one of the most awful moments of my life and the pain of it is still reverberating in my heart. Nonetheless I wanted to stay married. I begged him to go to counseling and the doctor. HE wouldnt. Or he would say he would and then not. AFter he told me the truth about his secret porn life, he became really mean to me. He treated me like garbage from then on. A year after he told me the truth, I filed for divorce. It had been 2 years at that point since he'd had sex with me. I was starting to drink alot. It was hard for me to take care of my kids. I cried all day long. One of my daughters, who had once been so happy, started constantly having stomach aches and crying. Finally I told my husband, "look at me. I'm dying. I cant live like this. The kids cant live like this. You have to either change this or I need to get a divorce." He told me to get the divorce and for the first time admitted that he would never have sex with me again.
I had so much to say and now that I just read that last line, I feel suddenly speechless. Anyway, its nice to meet all of you.
Amy

I am glad you have joined us, but sorry to hear all you have been through. How are your children holding up now? You sound like you have come through this strong. Sex was a problem in my marriage, but to the extent there was *no* sex. My ex chose to play video games rather than pay me any attention. We had many other problems, including some that I created, and when I decided I could stay with him any more, he begged me to stay and promised he would have sex every day if I just wouldn't force him to be alone and be responsible for his own finances, his own problems, etc. I told him it just doesn't work that way. I used to beg him for sex. I finally found the thing that would get him to agree to it (threatening to leave), and I then realized I didn't want sex if I had to force him into it. I am young, smart, attractive, fun, cuddly... I want someone who *wants* to be with me because they enjoy being with me and love me, not because they are terrified of being alone and have no other options.
I have one dd, and I can't imagine doing this with 3 little one's. You must be very strong to be doing this and finishing your graduate degree. This is a great group and you'll enjoy being here. Welcome.
First of all WELCOME, Amy!!!!!!! We welcome you with open arms and would love to have you join us - we are getting so many nice new faces and it would be great to have yours, too!!
You have been through so so so much pain - I don't know how you managed to keep yourself together after all you were dealt PLUS having to raise three kids. I send big hugs and warm wishes for many better tomorrows and I know the other moms on here will do the same for you.
I applaud you for being able to move back home and finish school. That was the right thing to do for you and your kids. You are a good mom. I can assure you that what happened with the porn addiction is far more common than you think. It totally was NOT your fault.
For now I think you should take time for you - allow all of this dust to settle and focus on you and the kids. Every day will get a little better.
If you are lonely maybe you can try to meet more friends from school to have a night out to yourself? You need the time alone now to get strong so you will be up for dating when the time is right. You want to be able to make good decisions and not let your loneliness force you to lower your standards.
You will survive quite well on your own - especially after all you have been through. Stay with us!!
Welcome to the board!
I am hearbroken reading your story. Your ex really put you through hell. I am glad you were strong enough to get out of the marriage for you and your kids. Many other women would have succumb to the depression and the drinking and never escaped.
I hope he is getting mental help now. I can't even imagine the level of problems someone has to have to be at the point where they'd prefer porn to sex never mind, for good. He obviously has issues, nothing to do with you. It was so wrong of him to ever say it was your fault.
You have great goals for yourself and I think you will reach all of them! Hang in there. I think each day you will get stronger and stronger and better and better.
Keep posting here, it is a great source of support and friendship.
Hugs
Tara
Welcome, welcome, welcome AMY!!!!
I welcome you with a big hug!
What you have been through is most extroardinary pain. I can very well feel for you. You are though a very strong strong individual!
I just wanted to welcome you. I am in Germany, so it's late here and I don't have time (with the kids and all), to answer thoroughly at the moment, but I will. I just want you to know...
First of all you are not alone. What you have gone through is not abnormal, just horrible.
Secondly, we have quite a few single moms, who have twins on this board. If your feeling overwhelmed, I am sure they can give you fantastic advice.
As for the rest of us, we have all had our share of some really big whoppers. We understand and here for you whenever you just want to just lay it all out. We have all done it several times.
As I said, I will answer a little more to your post, but I gotta go and get the girls dinner and tuck them into bed.
Take care and glad you joined us!
- Catherine
(((((Amy)))))
I am so so sorry to read what you had to go through. Thank you for sharing such an intimate story with us. I feel so broken hearted for you. No wife and mother deserves to be treated like trash on the side of the road. Horrible.
But you sound so incredibly positive! Amazing. That you can even say your ex is a good ex is amazing. And you must be so proud to be so close to finishing school.
You ARE going to make it girl! Good for you. Glad you joined us and I hope you stay.