New..feeling confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
New..feeling confused...
9
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:17am
Ok..my H had an affair(2 yrs)He asked for a separation...left 3 weeks ago to be with her. I had to go find a new job. Thankfully a friend(6 yrs) gave me one. He is very good to me. He treats me with respect, values my opinion and he's good looking. I haven't had "it" for a while. My h refused b/c his OW told him too...anyway. My boss & I have flirted before..nothing serious especially me being married. Well, we ended up together. It was fabulous. I know I'm married still as does he. I don't know if b/c he makes me feel valued, desired, and important it makes me feel like something I haven't felt in a LONG time. We have fun, great conversation and frankly I really MISS "it". I want to continue seeing him...but.....is it to soon for me to be doing this? I miss the physical affection, adult conversation. I'm 40 and was in my marriage 23 yrs. I am lonely sometimes..I go out with my kids and friends but this..is different. Any ideas???


Edited 12/27/2006 10:21 am ET by notjust_mom

~Karen
˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡&#1244
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:39am
notjust mom,
I would be careful now that you are still married and all. But if it makes you happy just do what you been doing. I know it's hard when you have not had it in a long time. You need that intimacy in life to keep it going. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:33pm

Goodness gracious - you poor thing. I am glad you found us. You must feel like you have been through the wringer - your husband of so long has an affair and then chooses the OW and now you have to face divorce and work.

Somehow I know you will find an inner strength to surprise yourself and will be okay. But I also want to encourage you to use this board and the divorce support board on iVillage for the tough times ahead. HUGS to you for sure.

There are pros and cons to what you are doing. And I do undertand how you would feel this way - to be loved and cherished - that is so rich and nurturing and especially after all you have been through.

But I do want to give you things to think about.

The PROS to what you are doing: he makes you feel so good and helps you through the pain of what you are having now.

The CONS to what you are doing: you have no idea of what you want in someone new or what he is really after (is it just the sex or really you?) so you are rolling the dice. IF this ends, and especially if he ends it, you are going to feel lower than before because you are going to have your divorce to deal with and the loss of this fling. Plus it is work - and you do risk losing your job or not wanting it and having to find something new.

The best decisions are never made under stress. And the best relationships do not need to hurry.

I hope this gives you some things to think about so you can make the best decisions for yourself.

If I was in your shoes, I would put all the cards on getting my life okay without the dodo husband - meaning get all you can from the divorce and child support and visitation, get a good job so you can support you and the kids, and get all the love and support from family and friends you can so you can do okay after the divorce - because that is basically for the rest of your life.

No matter what you decide we are always here for you. And the others will chime in as well. All opinions count and can help - even if they differ from mine! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:33pm

Hi there, and welcome to our board! I'm sorry to hear about your divorce and being forced to enter the work-world.
Here's my opinion: the other guy is your boss. That could get sticky, since I think this guy is a rebound guy for you. Not that that's a bad thing, and you have known him for a while, but we all want to be treated with kindness and respect. If you haven't been treated well by your husband, it's fairly common to project emotions onto the first guy after him that does treat you well. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but since he's your boss, what happens if in a couple of months you realize he isn't what you thought of him, or vice versa?
I'm not trying to tell you not to do it, just to be aware, especially since right now you're incredibly vulnerable.
Also, since your divorce isn't finalized, you may want to be careful about dating in general, as I know that can complicate things financially sometimes. Even though he cheated and left you for another woman, he could still use that against you.
As far as whether or not it's too soon, I think only you know the answer to that. I wouldn't immediately assume I was falling in love with the guy, but sometimes we all need a break from "real life", and sex and companionship can do that. If you can handle it, great, but only you know if you can, or if you'll get attached too easily and be broken hearted again if it doesn't work out.
If it were me, I'd probably enjoy it while it lasted, especially if I felt that working there wouldn't be a problem after it ended if it ended. But I wouldn't place too much emphasis on it, and I would certainly try to find lots of other things to do to keep me busy. Sometimes people come into our lives for a very short time just when we need them the most, other times, they're there to stay. Right now it's hard to tell which this is, but if you don't count on it being a major relationship and enjoy it for what it is, you can always see if you want it to continue and grow in the future.
Whatever you decide to do, please stick around!

Moody, a firm believer sex being a powerful force, one way or another


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:34pm

"Moody, a firm believer sex being a powerful force, one way or another"

LOL!! So true, Moody!! I was talking to one of my long-time cycling buddies the other day about my exh. He made the crack, "well, you did marry that guy." And to that I replied - "that is what sex does!!"

My point being that all we did in the beginning of our dating was have sex and that really blinded me to a lot of things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 7:38pm
I agree. Most people don't have sex without it meaning something, even if they don't know it at the time. In addition, it confuses things or makes them overlook things they wouldn't normally simply because it's a complicated thing all on its own.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:31pm
Thanks for the input. We(boss & me)have discussed my job. It is no way in jeopardy..we've been friends for a long time. We both know better than to "get serious" about anything especially at this point. We are consenting adults. Both want mutual satisfaction. ::blush::someone to talk to and mutual respect in our working relationship. I am going into this with my eyes completely open....if at all. It's happened 1 1/2 times....we aren't sure...either of us.......life is so complicated sometimes...My boss called me earlier too see how my day went since I was off. It was nice.....so I think I need to put things in the right perspective....I have A LOT to think about....


Edited 12/28/2006 1:10 am ET by notjust_mom

~Karen
˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡&#1244
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:56am
I say go for it!!! I'm divorced & 40 as well. You deserve to be happy. No need to rush anyhting, take it slow & see where it goes. Happy for you & hope it turns into something wonderful. You are intitled to be happy, as we all are. Just knowing your ex( soon to be) will see you happy & hopefully envy that is reasons to smile! Go girl!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:01pm
THANKS....I do want to be happy.......I want be and feel like a woman!

~Karen
˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡&#1244
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:28pm

I would not have sex with a boss. Maybe I'm not understanding what you posted. I thought I read that your friends with benefits is also your boss.

If your ex just left recently and you were married for a long time, it will take a couple of years for the dust to settle. Divorce proceedings, property distribution, etc... If it were me, I would keep myself busy with hobbies and platonic friendships. I'd buy a vibrator or something like that if I really felt like I needed something to get me through.