newly divorced, is it ok to start dating
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newly divorced, is it ok to start dating
| Mon, 02-06-2006 - 9:37pm |
Hello, I'm new here and it's my first time on. I hope I'm in the right place. I read that most single mom's think you should wait 6months-1yr after divorce to start dating again. My marriage has really been bad and "over" for a couple of years, before our divorce. My ex was verbally and mentally abusive, I've been dreaming of meeting someone "nice" for years. Now that I finally got out, I feel that I'm READY to date. I'm not "mourning" my lost marriage, and getting out did the healing I needed. I've never been happier. My ex was only home about 2-3 days a month (truck driver), so the kids were already used to him not being here, that's nothing new. We get along fine now, and he's been good to the kids. Is it wrong of me to start dating right away? My kids WANT me to meet someone nice. There is a divorced man at church that I am interested in, he is super, and we really connect. What do you think?

While it is a good idea to wait a while before you start dating, only you know what's best for you. If you feel that you are ready, then go for it, but take it slow and one day at a time. I didn't wait that long before I started dating, and it ended up biting me in the butt, so to speak. I personally hadn't really dealt with all of the things that I went through in my marriage. I too was married to a verbally and physically abusive man. So, when I did meet someone that was really nice to me, I latched on, and got burned fast.
But, like I said, you know what you're ready for and what you're not. Just take things easy and have fun with the whole dating thing.
Good Luck,
Kait
If you feel you're ready, then go for it.
Hi there and welcome to our board!!
You are smart to come here and seek this information. So far you have 2 really great answers and I agree with them.
If you are divorced then there is nothing really wrong with dating. But there are a few things to consider as the others have mentioned. You have to realize that you are in a really vulnerable place in your life. Having a bad marriage, and especially an abusive one, coupled with the pain of a divorce tends to put a big hole in your heart and you will long for attention and someone to love you and fill this. However, this longing and neediness can tend to work against you.
It can set you up to get hurt really easy if you meet someone who is not that into you or who is into you just for the sex. It can also cause you to overlook some big red flags.
So just keep those things in mind and try to go slow. Wait and see if this guy asks you out and what his intentions are. It is great that he seems nice and is involved in your church!!
Also try to set some goals for yourself now that you are single. Are you where you want to be with your career? Are there things you might want to go with a house or to get a house?
Here is a checklist I posted a while back that helps get the dust settled and make you strong for dating and a new relationship:
- enough time has passed that custody/visitation is not an issue anymore - it is much like getting gas put in the car
- you have all of your financial ducks in order - not sweating the bills
- you feel happy and in control of your life - on all fronts - how you look, what you are doing, what your house looks like, your career, your kids - no drama
- you have found yourself again as a single individual
- you have developed new friends and new interests
- you know why your marriage failed - and what the 50% contribution from you was - it could be that you made a poor decision with your spousal choice or that you failed to set boundaries or whatever - but you can totally know WHY and how you will do it different
- enough time has passed that you see your divorce as a blessing
Whatever you decide - keep us posted - we are always here for you and we always enjoy DETAILS!!
Just wanted to say Thank you to those of you who responded to my question. In response to getting a career set: my ex is paying me enough weekly that it covers the bills and I don't have to go back to work, and I am staying in the house. I know many say "it'll never continue". He is being VERY mature and responsible about this - for the first time in his life. He's actually standing up to his parents (who were a big factor in our relationship failing- their control over him), His first daughter gets so much per month, and he says it's only fair that our two kids get equal amts each, plus some for me to take care of them. It was always agreed that I'd stay home since his income allowed it, that it was best for the kids. It would cost me to return to work. There is NO pain in divorcing for me. Like I said, My healing was GETTING OUT, MAKING THAT DECISION TO RESPECT MYSELF AND MY KIDS ON HOW WE SHOULD BE TREATED, I think standing up to him helped him to see what was going on - and that he needed to really look INTO himself and see where he stood - with himself, his kids, and God. He hasn't been one for church, or respecting God (I know everyone has different views and I respect everyone's choice, so please don't take offense - none intended), but I think he is realizing what is important.
The man from Church is wonderful. He is HIGHLY RESPECTED all over our town, and church. He comes with GREAT references! He has been divorced for 1 yr. She, left him and the kids, for a different life, he's a great Dad. We've been corresponding by e-mail (aside from being friends at church) and discussing our inner-most feelings. It's actually gotten very deep at times. We were both basically missing the same things in our marriages. He is at the point where he's decided he's looking at dating. (I don't know if he's interested in me that way, but I'm leaving it open). We havn't gone out, or even talked about US dating. I'm just seeing what will come of being friends. I'm really getting to know HIM, from the INSIDE out. I'm really falling for WHO he is and what he believes, and stands for. The attraction has grown from that. We are friends, and I'm HOPING for more, but I'm glad to be his friend, even if nothing more happens. He's a great person. I don't want to push him, or look like I'm chasing him. I want him to make the first move, on building more than friendship. He's definately worth waiting for, to see if there can be more. Right now I just feel like it's the path I'm to follow, and see where it leads me to. I'll move on if it doesn't work, at least I'd know I have a GREAT friend for life. I do believe that I'm NOT JUMPING into something, taking my time, and annalizing the situation.
I hope this doesn't sound too 'fairy tale', but I think it's important to have a dream to hold onto, while still being connected to what is happening.
My opinion is its fine to date...just go slow on the getting serious and definitley wait before introducing any dates to the kids until you KNOW its someone serious!
The finalization of my divorce took 2 and half YEARS from filing to the end trial and we had been separated for 3 -- so I understand your situation.
You already have great advice - and remember the not dating for 1 year after divorce is a guideline.